Need someone to talk to

[withershins]

My name is Hope..i would call myself transgender but at the same time I wouldn't because I'm in no phase of transition or anything. I just know I don't feel right as the person I am now.

Little background..
Everyone knows me as Hope(Hopey and Hopity by family). I've been the silly, one of a kind person in the lives' of the people closest to me. My issue is, 5 years ago my only sister was murdered at 19. Most innocent person in the world, Brittany McGlone. My parents got divorced when I was 6 in 1996. Brittany and I have the same dad, half-sister in my opinion is sister. She was a tomboy herself but still had her girly moments. She was straight. I've always identified as a lesbian and I'm glad I got to tell her that before she died. My father and I's relationship has always been pretty nonexistent. He would never really spend time with us when we younger and I was never too close to him. Needless to say as he got older, and especially after my sister was murdered, he changed. He regrets everything he every did. I never straight forward told him I was gay, I think my mom talked to him about, but a couple of years ago (since he lives 8 hours away) we went down for my brother's graduation. I had cut my hair pretty short sometime before that and I brought my girlfriend along. My dad ended up just ignoring me, acted like I wasn't there which hurt. Its been 3 years since I've seen him but we have a great texting relationship. I've talked about the way I look and he says he just wished I looked like the pretty little girl he had. He doesn't realize that I've grown(I'm 22 now) and I also think his not being present for a lot of my life, leads him to think that I'm that little girl I was. He's never know what I'm really like. People change as they age and he hasn't been there to see that. The next day he text me and said "you know what, life's too short too worry about what you look like, i should just concentrate on building a relationship with you. you have a cowboy for a dad and I bet its not what you would've picked lol". So that made me feel better. The problem is while growing up I've realized a lot about myself. I would love nothing more to fit the person I am inside with the outside. I hate being this person, its not me. But what I feel is I am my dad's only daughter left. All of the things he would've got to experience with her, wedding and walking her down the isle, having grand kids, having a daughter, are gone. I can't do any of that for him. I'm not the ideal daughter that I wish he could have now if she were alive. All those chances for him were taken away. For the love of me I cannot get rid of his last daughter. My girlfriend tells me that I also need to do what makes me happy, but I can't bring myself to do that for the sake of my father. He's 45 now and if I was to complete myself and make me, me, that's a lot of time he would be without a daughter. I can't do that to him. Hell I already feel bad that I have short hair and wear what I like. Its just image, but that is a big part in this because I don't see him often. This tears me up. At some moments I think ok, I'm going to do this, I'm going to be me, but then the guilt sets in of if I was to do that, he'd be devastated. His happiness holds more importance in my heart than mine because of what we have gone through and continue to go through (her murder is unsolved). My mothers side of the family is a lot more excepting of me being gay and having short hair or whatever. They see me all the time so they see that I am still the same person.  I really have to one to talk to about this besides my girlfriend, but it would be nice to get advice, or just some talk with people that are like me. I understand that not everyone has been through my situation. I'm lost. I'm so lost.

[RedFox]

Hope, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.  I hope they solve her murder and provide some closure for you and your family.

I'll give you my advice and thoughts if you'll have them.

First you can call yourself transgender - you don't have to be in a state of transition to make this true.  It's how you see yourself that matters IMO.

I can't speak for your father, but I can speak as A FATHER.  I have four children, two daughters 18 & 16, and two sons, 2 & 4.  My oldest daughter is bisexual and my youngest daughter is just confused about a great many things.  As a parent, what I want most for my children is for them to be happy and to find their place in the world.  Do I look forward to walking my daughter(s) down the aisle at some point?  Sure.  But the moments we spend together when I see them truly happy, smiling and laughing, are the moments I treasure the most.

It sounds like your father is trying to tell you that he loves you and accepts you - and wants you to recognize that he's not perfect either.  He obviously regrets not being there for you and is trying to fix that now as much as he can and as you'll allow.  While he may miss the little girl that you used to be, you will never be that little girl again, whatever choices you make in life.  I fondly remember when my daughters were "little girls", but I continue to make new memories with them and try to be a part of their lives.  To do that I have to accept that they are making their own choices and learning who they are and what they want.  I accept all of that - as they have to learn to accept me (they don't know I'm a transwoman yet).

One more thing for you, I'm nearly 40 and I was still very nervous about coming out to my mother, something I did via email just a week ago.  Within hours of my email she sent back one of the best responses I could have hoped for - telling me that she loves me no matter what and why did I ever think that attempting to be and discover my true self would change that?

I say you should speak with your father openly and honestly about who you are and what you want out of life.  If he loves you, he'll accept you (though it may take him time to get over the shock).  I'm sure he'd much rather have a happy son than a miserable daughter.  First and foremost you're his child.

Best of luck to you!

[Cindy]

Hi Darling,

I didn't see your post and I will pass it on to people. You have had a terrible experience and coping will and is very hard.  Can you see someone for post traumatic stress disorder? I think you do need the help of people trained in the area of dealing with this. The issues will not fade and I honestly think you will benefit.

Hugs Darling and keep communicating.

Cindy

[Devlyn]

Hi Hope, glad you found us. It sounds like you're communicating and that is the key. As long as you're both talking, things should work out OK. We're always here, hugs, Devlyn

[FTMDiaries]

So sorry to hear about your sister.

However, SageFox really lives up to her name with her response: that's some mighty sage advice there!

I'm also a parent (to two daughters, both in high school) and I've always believed that my role as their parent is to provide them with a safe environment in which they can grow into being themselves. Like SageFox, I just want my kids to be happy, whatever form that may take. I can't dictate who they are, what they'll look like or who they'll love, but I can hope that I'm providing them with a good grounding for their futures and that they'll want to include me in their lives.

Pretty much every parent holds fond memories of their 'sweet little girl' or 'cheeky little boy'. We can't help it; it comes with the territory when you're handed your baby at their birth and you have to figure out what to do with the little stranger that's landed in your life. Since we don't know who they are, we tend to dress them up in our idealised image of their assigned gender and we dream that our little girl will grow up to be a ballerina or or little boy will be a footballer - but of course, those are just fantasies for most of us. It's just a fun thing for parents to do.

So you dress them in pretty dresses or smart little suits and for a little while - just a couple of years - you do have a 'sweet little girl' or 'cheeky little boy'. Until they get to the age when they start to find themselves and begin to reveal who they really are (around age 5/6) and loving parents will then adjust their views accordingly.

It could be that your father was kinda stuck with his early view of you because of your age when he got divorced. My dad had a similar problem. You were probably presenting as a girl at that age - so when he saw you for your brother's graduation he had a bit of cognitive dissonance between his internalised picture of who he originally imagined you would be, and who you actually are. He hasn't had the benefit of gradually adjusting along with you, which he would've had if he'd been around (which explains why your mother's family seems more accepting). So he was probably a bit confused and surprised at the time.

But your texting relationship shows that he cares about you and he's taking the trouble to get to know you. He's trying to make up for lost time, and he has indicated that wants you to be happy. He's going through that adjustment process that he missed out on. I'd bet that he's doing this because he loves you.

I'm in my 40s and I made the mistake of remaining female-bodied to try to please other people around me. I've known since I was 5 that I was supposed to be a boy, and I finally understood at age 19 that it was possible to transition - but I wasn't happy with the options that were available for FtMs back then. So I resigned myself to trying to make other people happy instead of myself... and you know what? In spite of everything I've achieved (career, family etc.) I just got more & more miserable as the years passed because I felt so desperately uncomfortable in my own skin. I realised that my life is the only one I'm ever going to have and I must live it for myself - because nobody else will do it for me. And as long as I'm a good person, my loved ones will be glad I'm in their lives - whatever form I take.

You are not responsible for other people's happiness. You do not need to pretend to be something you're not simply because of the unfortunate circumstances surrounding your sister. Your parents will love you and will be grateful that they have you regardless of how you present yourself. I'm willing to bet that nobody who truly loves you would want you to sacrifice your own happiness for them. Being a loving parent means wanting what's best for our children, even if it's not what we might've originally envisioned.

Good luck, and remember - you're not alone in this. But I do recommend you get some counselling to help you through what you need to do.

[V M]

Hi Hope

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister

Keep up the communication with your dad, it sounds like you need each other in your lives... Just be yourself and don't worry, eventually the time will come to 'tell all', but there is no big hurry... You will know it when the time is right

I actually have the feeling that he probably already knows or has some idea and he's probably the type that will love you regardless

[withershins]

Wow thank you for those responses. It's just gonna take some time