New here, need a little advice please.

[lapetitmort]

I'm not exactly a SO and yet i am. It's a very long complicated story but i will shorten it down as i'm not sure myself sometimes how i feel about it.
My best friend is also my ex boyfriend of two years who last year came out to me as being transexual.
I was brought up to have an open and understanding mind by my parents and even tho we had recently broken up i was there for her (i'll be using female references now as it is what i'm used too).
I have no problem with who she is in anyway shape or form and i know i will always help her and support her if i am capable of it.
But i get confused and find i'm distancing myself from her at times. It's because she wishes to resume our relationship(which was always on the rocks) and i know i dont want to get into that again for my own mental health aswell as hers. But it's putting a tension on the friendship and i am in most ways her only support.
It can go to extremes as she is fighting to get rid of all the male habits that she has grown so used to, but at the same time gropes me and asks for sex.
These actions confuse me and i am at a loss as to why it is happening and if i can actually handle it.
If someone could help in anyway at all i would greatly appreciate it.

Cat

[Lucy]

Cat, it seems to me that your ex is still fond of you, he wishes to rekindle a relationship that you both once had, thats not difficult to understand, she still loves you. Your choice here as I can see it is be compleatly honest with your ex and tell her exactly what is or is not excepable. Weather you do or not want to get back together.

Its a very simple choice, Do you have feeling for this person, even though they may be going through a large change in there life and can you been there in what copasity.

Cat the choice is yours.

Luv Lucy

[Peggiann]

Hi Cat and welcome.

Yes you are an S.O. It applies because you care about this person. Maybe not as a life partner but S.O. Forum is for family, friends, spouse and so on, Anyone whhom as any connection with andother TG indiviual. You obviously do.

Cat, you had two interesting statements."i'm not sure myself sometimes how i feel about it."
and "i know i dont want to get into that again for my own mental health aswell as hers. "

First off untill you are sure of how and what you feel and want out of your relationship entering into touchy feely steps and on into sexual would not be fair to, or wise for either, of you. That very statement should be made for your friend to get what you really need is time and space to figure it out for yourself. It's ok to say "Stop wait a minute I'm not ready for this and I can't say I will ever be ready for this with you again." Your history has so much influence still to close in the forefront of you mind and heart. That point needs to be made clear.

Another statement you made may have more to it from your friends actions. she is fighting to get rid of all the male habits that she has grown so used to, but at the same time gropes me and asks for sex.
  I think it's possible that your friend has not made it clear for you that although there is the desire to be female does not neseccarily mean the attraction for a male attention toward her is what she will prefer. On the contrary, she is letting you know that is not the case at all through her actions. It may also be that she is seeing how far your support will go. Or another take maybe, Your friend has not or is not(maybe) finding another woman to have a relationship with that meets her sexual needs or desires and could even be a bit afraid to go there because of rejection possibilities...which she might have taken that possibility for granted when it came to you. She may not be able strong enough to tell other females she has interests in she is TG.

Now yet another possiblity to consider. When you were in a deeper personal relationship with your friend...had you been told this TG part? I think from how you wrote it in your post you did not know. That very thing could have been the cause of the rockiness you mention in your relationship. Your friend could not be her true self with you then and put strain to her side of your relationship. Now you know and your friend probably feels free-er. She can now be more able to give of herself without holding back because the male role would not be expected to be played out. Yet because SRS has not been done yet still raging hormones cause needs and desires that have to be met too for balance. Your friend probably now feels she can act on her attractions to you because she has shared a very deep secret and created a deeper bond by doing so.

"But i get confused and find i'm distancing myself from her at times." I would venture to say this is because you are through your friends advances being forced to deside whether you can or want to have this type relationship and not give up hopes of the usual typical girls dream of husband and children. You know the one where you get to be walked down the isle on your father's arm and live in your dream house where your neighbors and family and friends come to your house for dinners and get to- gathers. Then maybe the children start coming and your husband, their father accompanies you to their school programs and they introduce you both to their friends "This is my mom and Dad". Now picture this with your friend you find yourself distancing yourself from. Is that the picture you can live with. 2 white gowns at the cerimony. You in yours walking down the isle alone to the... the other person in the white gown at the other end of the isle waiting to join your lives together. Because your father had a different idea of whom he would give your hand away to be joined in marriaged. Having isolated dinners because family may not be accepting of this relationship. Not having children you conceive because your friend might not have saved the sperm in a sperm bank before SRS. So you have the road to struggle to adopt and are still waiting. Or maybe you had children first then the SRS happened. So the introduction might be, this is my mom Cat and my...my  nan (your friends female name). Probably not they may not even introduce you at all when they get to be teens and don't want to have to explain the parent situation.

Perhaps none of what I layed out will happen and maybe none of what I said was a possible explanation for what you are feeling or she is feeling is real at all. Because your parents brought up to have an open and understanding mind. But maybe some of it might be. You owe it to yourself alone to figure it out before you proceed at any level of relationship going further. Your friend if she is a true friend she will allow you the time to search your soul and find the answers to this situation.

I hope conclussions you were not wanting to look at yet are not something you can not face as a friend or a as a life's potential partner. Your friend needs your support...but know where your support begins and ends and make sure your friend does too. She will just have to accept that on your terms or as you accept her as who she is.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[Robyn]

I'm not exactly a SO and yet i am. It's a very long complicated story but i will shorten it down as i'm not sure myself sometimes how i feel about it.
My best friend is also my ex boyfriend ...

but at the same time gropes me and asks for sex.

Cat

It does sound confusing, Cat.  What I found was that sex drive plummeted as soon as I began estrogen and antiandrogen regimen.  Sounds as if you friend may also be confused.  She may do much better once on hormone therapy.  Does she have a gender therapist?

Robyn

[Maebh]

Your friend needs your support...but know where your support begins and ends and make sure your friend does too. She will just have to accept that on your terms or as you accept her as who she is.

Smiles,
Peggiann

Hi Cat.  Welcome.

Yes you are an S.O. Yes you might be confused and that is understandable.
But as Peggiann say a proper reltionship is based on mutual respect for each other. As a friend you respect and accept her nature as a TS. In return she has to accept and respect your boundaries. Here you can explore your feelings about the relationship and the way you want it to be. She needs to respect that. She should be grateful of the support you give her and in return be supportive of you and your need for space without pressure.
How would you feel if she joined this site too? Here she might be able to break her own isolation and clarify her own confusions. Or would that put limits on what you could share here?  If it would then you have to think about yourself and your sanity as you put it.
Any relationship based on coercion or emotional blackmail can only breed resentment and eventually be doomed to failure. So when you know the type of relationship you really want, her choice will be to either gratefully and gracefully accept it or loose it altogether.

Hope, Light, Love & Respect.

Maebh

PS. In French, do you know what "la petite mort" (the little death) refers or aludes to?      >   

[cindianna_jones]

lapetitmort,

You need to be firm with her. Tell her that you'd like to be only friends and that if she can't deal with that then you'll not be able to see her any more.  I've had this happen to me a few times in my life.  I had to be firm.  I did manage to maintain friendships with two of them.  And we still talk to each other today.  The fact that she is TS may not have anything to do with this.

Cindi

[lapetitmort]

Thank you all so much for the help and advice you have given.

Lucy:
i think i need to think about that and get it sorted out how i feel and what i want. Your right i have to be honest.

Peggiann:
My friend has only recently understood what she is going through herself so i'm learning as she learns, because of where we are from the only help we can find is on the net.
In our relationship originally we went out 3 times, so i can see your  point with me kinda being the safety net.
Yes this wouldn't exactly be what i had planned for my future, i also need to try and figure out what i want or around that mark.

Robyn:
I'm actually very angry at the moment as she is on the NHS and has been for nearly a year and they have done next to nothing to provide a counciler or help, and the counciler she did have briefly she only got to see once every few weeks. The counciler left and she hasn't seen anyone since.

Maebh:
I understand what you mean but at times she is so depressed and dont want to add to her problems.
Again you are right tho i'll end up as bad myself if i don't atleast try to communicate better emotionally wise with her.
And yes i do, it would be one of my favourite "references" lol

Cindi:
I will try to be more firm.
And i'm glad you've made it through something similar and had friendships survive. You sound like a strong woman.

You are all wonderful people.
Blessed Be

[Peggiann]

Cat,

I want to encourage you both to go to a Therapist that specializes in TG Issues. I think you both would benefit greatly.

Cat If you can share this site with your friend. There is a way to be able to visit and get your amswers with out having to post something that will cause rifts between you and your friend.

Keep us informed as to how we can best serve your needs here at Susan's.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[Lucy]

Cat, if your Friend in registered with the NHS then I strongly advice that she goes back and discusses the Gender issue with her doctor at the same time she can get that depression sorted out. I know that the NHS are slow but they do get there eventually. If she is seing a counsiler then she can be asked to be refered to a phycologist, she may not get a gender expert but once she's got the the next step is a local GIC.

Hope it all works out well.

LUCY

[Maebh]

Thank you all so much for the help and advice you have given.

And yes i do, it would be one of my favourite "references" lol

You are all wonderful people.
Blessed Be

Good for you Gal! The best cure I ever came across for depression 
"La petite mort" on prescription from the NHS?     Imagine!   

Go n-éirí do bhóthar leat Good luck to both of you on that voyage of discovery. You are not alone. Enjoy the journey.

Hope, Laughter, Light, Love & Respect.

Maebh