Quote from: aipwi on October 30, 2012, 04:59:43 PM
Perhaps an odd question, but here goes...
I'm in my late 30s, and I have known that I am female since I was a very young boy; 8 or so, perhaps before. Fast forward to now, and I'm married with children. Don't even ask - I'm not sure how I ended up here either!
I have no doubt, none whatsoever, that being male is not who I am. Not gay either. Female, in a man's body. I've lived with her for three decades now. She knows me better than I do.
There is nothing I would love more than to transition, to take advantage of what modern medicine can do for us all. But I have a family, I have children, and I have responsibilities. And that takes priority over me.
That's as much background as I'm comfortable giving out at this point. My question is fairly simple. Is it OK to just be me, the female, in private, on my own, without telling anyone, without destroying my family? Is it OK to just be female in my head? Is that weird? Does that even work, or does it lead to depression (which I struggle with), substance abuse (again, struggling with - alcohol mainly), mental health issues, and suicide? (Yes, thoughts of that too, regularly for about a decade, but the fact that I've got the family to support stops me every time, and will continue to stop me. This isn't a cry for that kind of help.)
It's miserable, to be honest, being a female trapped in a male's body, but there's more to think about than just me, and I can't suddenly start wearing female clothes, taking hormones, ripping apart relationships, etc. That, to me, would be indulgent. I made this mess, I have to deal with it. But how?
Are there any others out there who know they are female, but for whatever reason can't come out, can't be who they truly are? And if so, are you happy with your decision? Are you OK with the fact that you will never, ever be who you are supposed to be?
And how do you make sure that you don't strangle the female inside? How do you find the time to let her come out, safely and privately?
I'm so lost here, people. I really don't know how to proceed, but it's getting to a breaking point where I need some advice from somebody.
Apologies and thanks in advance.
You ask if it's ok to not transition, and to that question I'd answer: ABSOLUTELY That said, however, I'd ask: Is not transitioning the right choice for YOU? Nobody can answer that question except for you, and I'd sincerely encourage you to speak with a gender therapist to discuss your particular situation.
I didn't begin transition until I was in my mid 30's because, like you, I feared for the welfare of my marriage and kids. Depriving myself of being true to me and following my heart destroyed me, and I lived a largely miserable existence. The negative repercussions of that resonated in everything around me, and adversely affected the very people I sought to shelter. At 35 my oldest son graduated from high school, with my second was not far behind. My marriage was pretty solid, but still prone to occasional stressful incidents. I finally sat down and looked at the life I was leading, and wondered what else I could do to improve things. It was then that I realized that I had to find love and happiness before I could spread that positive energy to those in my life. I saw a therapist, and soon began my transition. Kids are resilient creatures, and they adjusted pretty easily. My spouse was torn, but promised that she'd stay by my side. Despite statistics that literally doomed the odds of our marriage enduring, the changes in my happiness changed our relationship, and brought us closer together. All it takes is a first step in the right direction, so again, PLEASE seek the confidence of a professional therapist.
