Hello everyone. I'm new to this, but I don't think my story is too unique. I'm a guy, and I can remember wishing I was a girl since pre-school. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way because I am healthy, in shape, and not unattractive, which is a lot more than some people have. It's just not me though. I can't express myself for who I am in this way.
I usually try to appease myself by playing video games where I can be a female character, and try to get lost in that world, but it's a temporary fix and I don't know if it's psychologically healthy to rely on that. I even threw away a lucrative engineering career (I HATED the job) to pursue photography, largely because I get to work with female models and I have an excuse to be involved in make-up, hair styling, and fashion. I know that's not what being a girl is all about, but it's a small slice of my fantasy life. I like to help these girls enjoy being what I can't be. It's somewhat fulfilling, but it also makes me sad.
I can distract myself until I try to go to bed, but when I lie down and there's nothing to take my mind off how I feel, I feel overwhelmed and can't do anything but cry until I tire myself out and fall asleep. Even when I dream I am a female. Then I wake up...
I know this is pathetic but this is what I am right now. On the positive side, I feel less afraid of dying because I like to imagine that whenever I do die, I'll come back as a girl.
I don't know much about transitioning gender but I am interested to learn more. I've tried vocal training on my own but I have yet to make any progress.
I have read about HRT a little too. I would like to try it, but I don't know how it will turn out. I am 22 years old. I know it's better to start younger, but will my age make a difference too much? I'm just afraid of going through all the treatment only to be unsatisfied with the results. I have seen amazing and inspiring transitions, and I have seen transitions that are not as convincing.
I just want to look and sound like a girl. I don't want to look and sound like a man who is trying to look and sound like a girl.
Thank you for listening. I'm sorry if I put a downer on your mood. I just needed to share with anyone who can understand...
