Talking to my mom about gender issues

[Metroland]

I am going through a tough situation with my mother and it has caused me some grief.

I was facing a very homophobic boss at work and it was troubling for a while. Where I live there are no laws that can protect me from homophobic comments so it has been causing me some issues with this boss.

My mom was extremely understanding and she was very supportive.  I was really pleasantly surprised by her reaction and support.  I am fed up with the homophobia so today I took a decision to be removed from the project.  This might affect me a little however I am fed up with this behaviour and I have pushed myself so many times in the past to tolerate this behaviour but for me now I want to deal with it.

Anyways, what's important is that today as I was discussing it with my mom, she tells me that maybe my boss was homophobic because of the things I wear.  I wear masculine clothes (I am a biological male with no transitioning) but it seems that she finds that it could cause him to think that I am gay!  This has been really difficult for me to hear because I also know now that fashion expression doesn't have to do with sexual orientation.

But what if I didn't know it before and my mom would accuse me of causing the homophobic comments by what I wear?

I know now also that this has to do with my mom's transphobia.  My mom in the past has told me that she is not ready to talk to me at all about my gender issues. That was back in 2007.  I have come a long way since then to know myself.

I am worried that if I try to talk to my mom about being non-binary it will trigger something in her and she will carry on being transphobic (or androgynousphobic in our case).

My question is that could it be that my mom has latent gender identity issues?  If so how dangerous could be it to try to talk to her about my issues if that is the case?

This is what is happening with me with my dad.  I am almost certain that my dad is gay and in my mind he won't be able to accept me unless he accepts himself.  So I don't approach the subject with him at all.

The support from my mom is really important for me, I have already given up on my dad.  How do I deal with this situation if my mom is transphobic and it has to do with gender identity issues of her own.  Could this be the case?

[suzifrommd]

My question is that could it be that my mom has latent gender identity issues?  If so how dangerous could be it to try to talk to her about my issues if that is the case?

Dangerous? I shouldn't think so. What would she do to you?

I can only say what I would do. I would continue telling the truth about myself. If your mom is transphobic nothing you say will be guaranteed to fix that or make it worse, but you can wear yourself down trying to figure out what you should or shouldn't stay.

If you say what you need to say, your mom's a big girl. She can handle it. You're allowed to say and do what's best for you. You're not required to take care of other people.

[justmeinoz]

As a parent I can see things from both sides.

If you are not living at home or financially dependent on her then there is really nothing she can do other than show her disapproval by cutting off contact.

  Which begs the question, if love is conditional is it really love or just an attempt to control another.  If that is the case then she was never there in the first place.  Sounds harsh, but as a parent I find the idea of not supporting my children when they need it to be appalling.  She is an adult, so should face up to reality.

Karen.

[Metroland]

Karen,

Thanks.  I kind of see things from my mom's point of view as well that is why I said what if she suffers from latent gender identity issues?  I don't know?  I am not fully comfortable with my body either so I can't really explain things to my mom.

But if my mom has gender identity issues she has a problem loving herself before she loves me and this is the question.  How do I know if that is the case?  I am pretty sure that my mom doesn't mind being a little more masculine and it is difficult to do that.  But what if she also has issues with her body such has her genitalia or something?  Is is so difficult to deal with these things and if she hasn't already done so and I bring up the topic she will get upset and things won't be great.

Can I be frank with my mom and say that I have issues with my body?  I also live in a very misogynist community.  I am sure that she has suffered so much from it growing up.  Since I am male I have not inherited this phobia.  What will happen if I express my feminine side?  Will I automatically, overnight, inherit all the misogyny? How do I deal with that?

[justmeinoz]

Really the only way to find out is to ask her I guess.  Just a matter of phrasing it right, obliquely like a comment about a newspaper article you are reading or similar might be a start.   Misogyny exists worldwide, so it is something we all have to deal with, even as a male ally.  You are in a better position than most to combat it, so no reason to be discouraged.

The world needs more feminists, and I don't know any transwomen who are not strongly feminist.  Are there any strong female figures in your culture you can use as a role model?  Expressing support for your mother as a woman in any dispute with men could help get her on-side too.

Karen.

[Kaelin]

I suspect your mom is probably the sort of person who isn't going to tell others what you tell her.  By avoiding the issue in the past, she has shown she's more interested in "damage control" rather than making the issue into something bigger (getting more people involved) to shut you down.  Of course, she's probably not going to like what you have to tell her, but I think it'll help explain where you're coming from, and she can construct a more coherent narrative for who you are.

I think it's good to get into the roles of men and women and their status and their presentation and whatnot, and it's okay to get into what your mom thinks about them.  Still, whatever you think about your parents' identities, you'll have to stay clear of those topics, particularly while you're discussing you own identity -- those issues go deep, and your own identity and each of your parents' identities deserve separate discussions (as they are separate matters) if they are to be broached at all.

[Metroland]

Thanks for your input.

I will try to talk around the subject and see how my mom reacts.  I once had a really bad reaction and I was talking about how I would get pregnant.  I was really stressed and I am not sure what my mom thinks about it.  After this incident we never talked about it.

She started telling me today how her reaction to my clothes reminded her how her mother used to discourage her of wearing certain clothes.  I got really nervous when she started talking about it because I didn't want my anger to be internalized in her and I felt that that happened because she started to get self-reflective and it got me nervous.  Maybe it would have been good to try to tolerate the situation and listen what she was saying.  Maybe I will ask her about it again.

I am really nervous to tackle the situation but it was very difficult that my mom brought it up with me.  I told her that I was able to leave the project but will I be able to leave the house because of these comments?  She really didn't like the comment and said that she never wants that to happen.

[Kaelin]

Since you are a bio male, you won't be getting pregnant.  Talking about that idea really just makes the conversation more complicated.

When your mom talks about her relationship with her mom, then the extent she brings it up is fair game -- and I think you can use that to your advantage.  She knows it hurt to be told to dress differently than she wants, and she should want to be happy and not suffer like she did.  In a way, her talking about her own mom in that way may indicate she's relating to you, but if she's telling you "no," you need to explain why her showing support is the right thing to do.  And it might be good to say that if someone gives her trouble concerning your clothes or your identity, you'll stand up for her.

I'm not sure what you mean by "but will I be able to leave the house because of these comments?"  Or you talking about simply going outside with your desired expression, be allowed to "move out of the house," being forced to "move out of the house," or something else?

[Metroland]

Kaelin,

I meant that I quit the project because of my boss's comments but I can't leave the house because of my mom's comments, like just depart.  My mom's comments hurt me.  I am trying to move forward with battling homophobia and now I have to deal with this new aspect of my mom not understanding the link between sexual orientation and gender identity.

[Kaelin]

That's a problem.  But then, if she's going to keep volunteering her thoughts, you're entitled to hold your ground.  The definitions of the terms are very different (one concerns one's own identity, and the other determines an identity of people you are attracted to).  Also, sexual orientation and gender identity are covered differently under the law, so at least in the eyes of many state governments, they are not the same (see this map on state-specific housing discrimination laws for a demonstration) -- this sort of example of states treating the two differently should hopefully illustrate the two are actually not the same.  Alternatively, you can try asking her to demonstrate why she things the two are the same: Is it in The Bible?  Did she read about it in a science journal?  What there something she heard on a radio talk show?

Of course, this approach may be too confrontational.  You might have to do something absolutely incomprehensible: put your thoughts on paper, like a letter.  This method gives you the opportunity to choose words carefully and keeps your mom from just throwing the first thing that pops in her head.  It allows you to organize and include information and references you choose, and it gives her the opportunity to read at her pace and look for answers before taking in your whole spiel.  Ask her to not talk about your letter until the next day.  It may feel a little strange to communicate in this way, but I think it will give you the opportunity to lower the emotional intensity of the conversation you want to have, and hopefully a more constructive dialogue can emerge.

[Metroland]

Kaelin,

I talked to my mom about the thing she wanted to tell me about how her mother treated her regarding her clothing.

My mom used to create dresses when she was younger.  She told me that she created a really nice dress and every time someone saw her in the dress they would say that she looked like a "queen".  This is how proud my mom was of the dress.  On the other hand every time my grandma would see her in the dress she would say how much it didn't look good on her.  My mom was a little full and my grandma had a phobia from overweight and for some reason thought that the dress made my mom fuller.  I recognized that this is misogynist and I told my mom that this didn't make any sense. My mom seemed really hurt by how my grandma reacted.  She told me that that is why when my sister doesn't wear something my mom likes she doesn't comment on her a lot. She would give her opinion but she wouldn't repeat it like my grandma.  I told her if that is the case why did she feel that it was ok for to comment on my choice of clothing this way.  She didn't say anything but then I told her that I will be wearing these clothes and I will not have a problem with it.  She told me that this is what she wants me to do.

So I am happy that this is how things have gone.  I am happy that I was able to choose what I wear and my mom doesn't have a say in it.  I haven't broached the subject of my gender preferences and I am not sure I will bring it up at the moment.  It is a difficult subject to talk about   Maybe if by chance something comes up maybe I will talk about it and probe her point of view.

Thanks

[Kaelin]

That's great news!  I hope you keep making progress.  It may be slow, but things are sounding promising.

You don't have to think of your gender as a "preference."  It's simply who you are, although you are also trying to figure that part out.

I think this is also an opportunity to address misogyny by showing your respect for your mother as she makes good decisions.  Respecting and rewarding merit (and showing those impressions where appropriate) might make the people closest to you in life think more appropriately -- including helping women believe they belong as full members in all areas of society.

[Metroland]

Thanks Kaelin,

I will see how things go when I wear it next time.

Thanks for your supportive words.