I know what I am, but not who I am.

[Thefreezingvoid]

Hello, I am new to the site, and am not really sure where to post this.

Sorry I am going to ramble a bit. I just need to get As well I am sure I will repeat certain things.

I am having a really hard time, lately.
I have known for several years I was transgendered and I wanted to try transitioning, but due to several reasons, I decided to leave the issue alone, and see if I could come to terms with being a male. I did not, instead it was constantly on my mind, and it left me emotionally numb.

Several months ago I realized I cant deny it any longer, with the help of one of my friends. Presenting, and being refered to as male is taking a psychological toll. I have tried moving forward some, but not as much as I wish I had.
I still live with my parents, though at times it almost like living with a pair of roomates who never talk.

I realized I had a deep longing to be a female back in highschool, but I had never heard of trans people. Or if I had, in my naivety I belieived that they were perverted. So instead I thought I was gay, but still found myself attracted to women, so I identified as bi, after all to me, both genders were about as attractive. (I now identify sexually as asexual)
Looking back I realize how ignorant I was.
But this was still a scary thing, as my father did not really speak fondly of non-heterosexuals.
I chose to remain closeted, as I didnt want to disappoint him or risk losing the people I depend on.
This led me to become very anorexic and very numb, causing me to hurt myself just to feel something. And eventually trying to kill myself. Luckily I came to my senses while I was downing the pills, and called an ambulance. I spent the next few months, in a youth psych ward. Over the next few months I got better, and eventually was released.

I made a promise to myself, no matter how bad it got, no matter how now I got again, I would not hurt myself, and I would try to take my own life. (And over the years, being an atheist I have added "A horrid life, is still better than nothing."

But out the experience I remained closeted to my father. My mother was told, but we both agreed, telling my father would be a mistake... but sometimes I wonder.

Then a few years ago, I began learning about trans issues. It made me reevaluate what I was.
I realized where my deep longing to be a girl, and my disappointment when I was shunned from girl exclusive events.
It explained my dissatisfaction with my anatomy, especially with what lies between my legs. Just to name a few things.

I tried seeing the psychiatrist who dealt with my prior issues. But she was not very helpful, as her expertise were with adolescents. So when it came how to deal with it, she was not very helpful. She suggested I should wait and see if it goes away. Which I suppose was not bad advice, but was defeating.
I considered trying to find another psychiatrist, but decided not to, as I was unemployed at the time, and still living with my parents. I realized how futile it was.

Now several years later, I want to try to begin my transition, at the same time I am scared.

I am still living with my parents sadly. And I suppose this should be the first thing I rectify, but I suppose I am scared. I have never lived on my own before, which is scary. As well, I currently dont make enough to afford a place on my own, which means I would have to find a room mate, which sounds terrifying to begin with, add to that, the idea of finding a transgender friendly room mate.
But really, I think the biggest, thing for me is, it would be the first step in my transition, which as much as I want to start it, it also scares me.

I also need to find a psychiatrist who has some experience with dealing with trans issues, but I am unsure of how to go about that.

I know I will have to move out soon, as having to perform in a male role day after day is starting cause me to have a panic attacks. I can sort of keep it together, while at work, but outside of work I am an emotional wreck.
I dont know who I am anymore. And am sure I have the strength to do what I need to do.

Sorry if that sounds a little depressing...

[RedFox]

Well, let me be the first to say, "welcome to the site".

Your experiences are much like what others have experienced it seems - so don't feel like others can never understand you.  There are many who understand what you've gone through and what you're feeling right now.

It sounds like you've got a good idea of what you need and want to do, but only need a few nudges in the right direction.  First, yes, get your own place.  Moving away from your parents for the first time sounds much scarier than it really is.  I would suggest trying to rent a room somewhere - it's often cheaper than trying to arrange an apartment and getting a roommate.  But be up front about what you're going through and that you plan to transition.  You may be turned away from the first few places (or not), but when you do find somewhere supportive (or apathetic) then you know it won't be a problem with them and that will alleviate that one fear.

As for therapy - Google is a great resource to find a qualified gender therapist in your area.  If not, a local GLBT group should know of someone.  But someone here may know as well.  It's really disappointing that your old psychiatrist was so ignorant and unhelpful on this problem - sounds like she set you back a few years (not to mention the continued stress).

Just remember that life is what you make it.  We shape our world with our intentions, dreams, and desires - and lots of hard work (and anything worth having is worth working for).  Don't quit on what you want and your life will be better than you ever thought it could be.

Looking forward to seeing you around the forums.

- Sage

[FTMDiaries]

... and let me be the second to welcome you.

Like Sage said, there are many of us who share your experiences. Yes, it does seem really scary when you first start out, but my advice to you would be to take tiny little steps, one at a time, towards doing what you need to do.

Changing your life sounds like a huge, overwhelming task when you consider it as a whole... but changing each small thing individually is very achievable, and nowhere near as daunting. I know first-hand how incredibly anxious I felt about taking the first few steps, but I found that once I started I soon picked up the pace until I felt like sprinting towards the finish line. Each step can make the next one easier to handle.

So yes, as Sage says, find a Gender Therapist to help you figure out how & when you want to proceed. Ordinary psychiatrists & psychologists don't tend to know much about GID so I'm not surprised you were given the advice you were - that's why you need a specialist who is au fait with gender identity disorder.

Hang in there. Many of us have contemplated or attempted suicide but as a fellow atheist I firmly believe that there has to be a better way than sacrificing the only life we have. And there is: we have a medically recognised condition that makes our lives a nightmare, but we can get treatment that will help alleviate our discomfort. So take it slowly, starting with a Gender Therapist, and take comfort in the fact that with each tiny little step towards your goal, it will get better.

[spacial]

Hi Thefreezingvoid. As Sage Fox says, your experiences are not uncommon.

Just do it.

You've made that decision. You know it's right. It doesn't matter if anyone approves, they will treat to basically the same regardless. You get one stab at life.

Just do it.

[Mosaic dude]

Hi Thefreezingvoid, good to meet you.

You've waited and it didn't go away, so now it's time to do something about it.  I'm also in the atheist camp so I would say you only get the one life and you must live it in the way that makes you happiest.  Living with panic attacks is no life; it's your brain telling you something is wrong and asking you to fix it.  All these things are scary at first, but you just need that first bit of momentum to get you started.  Once you're on your way, it won't be so scary after all.

[Thefreezingvoid]

I am not really sure what to say in response.

For the past little bit I have been feeling depressed. Today not so much.
Yesterday I felt caged, trapped and claustrophobic, unsure I had the strength to move forward.
Today after reading your responses, I am feeling slightly more optimistic.

I think I just needed to get my doubts and fustrations off my chest, and get affirmation of what I thought was correct.

To say I completely cured of my fears, would be a huge lie. I am an historic worrier.
But maybe just maybe, this is another case of, the actuality is way less painless than I think it is.

I need to focus on the goal, and not so much the obstacles.

Thank you for the responses.
It is good to know I am not alone.

[DeeperThanSwords]

Welcome, thank you for sharing your story.

Many of us have been through the same trials, you're in good company.

[Keira]

Hello, I am new to the site, and am not really sure where to post this.

Sorry I am going to ramble a bit. I just need to get As well I am sure I will repeat certain things.

I am having a really hard time, lately.
I have known for several years I was transgendered and I wanted to try transitioning, but due to several reasons, I decided to leave the issue alone, and see if I could come to terms with being a male. I did not, instead it was constantly on my mind, and it left me emotionally numb.

Several months ago I realized I cant deny it any longer, with the help of one of my friends. Presenting, and being refered to as male is taking a psychological toll. I have tried moving forward some, but not as much as I wish I had.
I still live with my parents, though at times it almost like living with a pair of roomates who never talk.

I realized I had a deep longing to be a female back in highschool, but I had never heard of trans people. Or if I had, in my naivety I belieived that they were perverted. So instead I thought I was gay, but still found myself attracted to women, so I identified as bi, after all to me, both genders were about as attractive. (I now identify sexually as asexual)
Looking back I realize how ignorant I was.
But this was still a scary thing, as my father did not really speak fondly of non-heterosexuals.
I chose to remain closeted, as I didnt want to disappoint him or risk losing the people I depend on.
This led me to become very anorexic and very numb, causing me to hurt myself just to feel something. And eventually trying to kill myself. Luckily I came to my senses while I was downing the pills, and called an ambulance. I spent the next few months, in a youth psych ward. Over the next few months I got better, and eventually was released.

I made a promise to myself, no matter how bad it got, no matter how now I got again, I would not hurt myself, and I would try to take my own life. (And over the years, being an atheist I have added "A horrid life, is still better than nothing."

But out the experience I remained closeted to my father. My mother was told, but we both agreed, telling my father would be a mistake... but sometimes I wonder.

Then a few years ago, I began learning about trans issues. It made me reevaluate what I was.
I realized where my deep longing to be a girl, and my disappointment when I was shunned from girl exclusive events.
It explained my dissatisfaction with my anatomy, especially with what lies between my legs. Just to name a few things.

I tried seeing the psychiatrist who dealt with my prior issues. But she was not very helpful, as her expertise were with adolescents. So when it came how to deal with it, she was not very helpful. She suggested I should wait and see if it goes away. Which I suppose was not bad advice, but was defeating.
I considered trying to find another psychiatrist, but decided not to, as I was unemployed at the time, and still living with my parents. I realized how futile it was.

Now several years later, I want to try to begin my transition, at the same time I am scared.

I am still living with my parents sadly. And I suppose this should be the first thing I rectify, but I suppose I am scared. I have never lived on my own before, which is scary. As well, I currently dont make enough to afford a place on my own, which means I would have to find a room mate, which sounds terrifying to begin with, add to that, the idea of finding a transgender friendly room mate.
But really, I think the biggest, thing for me is, it would be the first step in my transition, which as much as I want to start it, it also scares me.

I also need to find a psychiatrist who has some experience with dealing with trans issues, but I am unsure of how to go about that.

I know I will have to move out soon, as having to perform in a male role day after day is starting cause me to have a panic attacks. I can sort of keep it together, while at work, but outside of work I am an emotional wreck.
I dont know who I am anymore. And am sure I have the strength to do what I need to do.

Sorry if that sounds a little depressing...

I understand what you mean about not knowing who you are. Since I was a kid I never really felt like I had a place to fit in; nor did I really have a gender. Looking back, most of the kids I knew actually had a group of friends and a full sense of being a guy or girl.

At many points in understanding who I am I have identified as many different things (bisexual, Pansexual, bigender, gay, straight, autistic, otherkin etc.). Yeah, I may SOUND crazy; but my motivation was simply to find terms that would explain how I felt or thought. I don't really care what other people think, even if they think I am deceiving myself or lying.

Right now, I feel like I am primarily female, but more of a genderqueer female. Previous to realizing this I pretended to be male, and I even suppressed many of the things that would make me seem female. I got to the point that I felt depressed and numb all the time. For me, transition is not a life or death thing; it's just what I would strongly prefer to do. My dysphoria isn't too bad, sometimes it's terrible; but most of the time I can cope. I'm also sort of lucky because I have androgynous facial features; but the part that is the worst is my body hair and body shape (not to mention the T fueled sex drive...).

Just like you I am having trouble finding a gender therapist. I know the feeling of hopelessness; it's difficult when you don't have the option to go forward.

Also, your internal gender identity (what you are) will always be limited or set free by how you choose to express yourself (male or female).

It's weird for me to post about myself so in depth; but if someone else can relate then its worth it.

[justmeinoz]

You have taken the hardest step, coming out to yourself.  Now it is a matter of working out what to do next.  Local GLBTIQ groups should be able to assist with a decent gender therapist, who is not going to say that it "might go away."

There is a lot you can do even if you have to live at home in a less than supportive environment, especially gathering information.  There is a wealth of info here and on the Internet generally, just be careful of anyone who insists there is a "right way" to transition.  We are all different and our paths are all unique too.

Remember to remove the Browser History if you think others may look at your computer.  It saves awkward questions.

Karen.

[spacial]

I need to focus on the goal, and not so much the obstacles.

You know, if you do nothing else, coming up with that as a Maxim should make you feel very satisfied.

[Seana]

By all means get your own place. You may need to take care of employment first. An environment like most folks have with their parents isnt always supportive of who YOU feel you are. It's much easier when you are single.
The Gender therapist suggestion has already be made. Do that. There are some lists on the web giving GID therapists by area, look for those.
You are never too old .

Seana