well....... god... were to frakkin start. ill let you know this is gonna be a long, bi-polar splurge with the main emotion driving it being hoplessness, so its probaly gonna sound scaterbrained, cause i dont even know how it got to this point anymore.
long possibly boring rant incoming.
ive been hiding from myself since i was ten. and this has left me quite handicapped, to the point were i LITERALLY, DONT know HOW to function in basic day to day life.
i hated myself, detested myself, believed i was a freak, a broken shell of a person. i HATED having to be around people knowing i was broken, knowing i could never be honest with anyone. knowing that despite everything, if they knew the real me i would be labeled for what i was, a freak.
so, i simply DIDN'T hang around people, i barley said a word at school everyday, i had maybe, MAYBE one friend if you could call him that.
i never went out, and when i did i never talked to anyone unless i absolutely had to, i retreated so far from reality i CANT remember most things from the time i was nine, to when i was sixteen, it was just a blur of computer screens and the pages of books.
and i actually ran so far, i manged to forget what i was running from. not before a suicide attempt that left me in the hospital for a week and the psych ward for three. and i can barley remember that.
but, in a sense it did help. i had been running so long i forgot what i was running from. so i tried, i gave everything i could muster to try and work, in school and life in general. but when all you remember is running away, its hard not to.
i ended up dropping out of high-school and enrolling at a job corps training center, and even when i was basically being babysat as i learned how to weld, i couldn't do it. i tried, and failed oh so miserably at being social, for i had no idea how to interact with people in this pathetic disgusting day and age. i said what i honestly thought, and i acted how i was feeling, guess being honest is something to be shunned by people now-adays.
by now i was sixteen, and i had been able to remember more then a fog for about nine months, trying to reintegrate with life. it really didint work, i dropped out of the program after another suicide attempt, after which i started hdiing again, this time because i hated life, because everyone i ever tried to get close to in any sort of way, stabed me in the back eventualy.
it wasint untill two weeks after i turned 18 when it all came back, when i was flipping through the channels and chanced upon a document about transexual people. it hit me like a ton of bricks in the face when i remembered what i was running from. not only that, but it gave me hope. the last and thing i have left.
and yet, that turned into dispair. when i realized how much of a life change it was to undergo and how long it took among other things, i felt my heart being ripped out again. for how can somebody change there life when they dont have one in the first place?
skipping two years filled once more with self hatred, for knowing what to do but not being able to.
when the clock ticked past twelve and i was officaly twenty years old and i had absolutly nothing to show for my life, i quit. i barley said a word to my parents, who despite being there all my life, really weren't there. im sorry for them, but as much as i love them, i HATE them to. reality check, im not a chia pet, you dont feed me and watch me grow. thanks for not noticing anything about me unless it directly interfeared with your lives.
anyway, after loosing yet anouther job because i couldnt stand being around people, i was homeless, and very nearly jumped off a bridge. in the end, i went into a treatment center were i told, well tired to tell them everything, kinnda hard to do when they barley give you time every day.
the groups were good though.. i actualy came out to seven totaly random strangers. and you know what, it felt good! and to my shock, the guy, GUY! sitting right next to me holds out his hand and lets me know hes ftm! needles to say i was in a joyous shock.
and now that im out, reality once more bitch slaps me and kicks me to the ground. when salvation is FINALY in sight, the gates close just before i get there. and it hurts damnit!
if you havent noticed, i cannot work. literaly. and if you cant work, you cant exactly have a good insurance policy, and if your insurance doesint cover jack. ya mise well take a dirt nap.
i cant force myself to work around other people no matter how hard i try. and theres no way in hell i could ever pay to see a therapist to even start the frakking process.
i have cursed god many times today to say the least. i dont know what to do anymore.
