A little venting about not getting to be me

[Josie M]

Just need to get this out somewhere.  Haven't been able to express myself as Josie in a while and it's wearing me down.  To far along in life and too many depend on my being a husband and father....to many decisions made....have to be the male persona I've created.

It's not that I mind being male, I really don't......it's just that it doesn't quite fit me...for lack of a better way to say it.  I have a lot of regret over suppressing this for so long (then re-suppressing when I started a family).  Wish it hadn't taken me so long to accept myself as I am....tough to be someone your not.  Would have been simpler if I'd just been born female.

...sorry for the maudlin post....like I said, needed a place to vent.  Eventually, I need to be able to express and female and have a circle of friends that understands and accepts that part of me....

[Devlyn]

Venting is good! We have a supply of foam rubber bricks to throw so no one gets hurt, help yourself! Many people are in the same situation. Waiting until the kids grow up seems commonplace. Find some time for yourself, and make the most of it. Hugs, Devlyn

[sashaburn]

I know EXACTLY how you feel, 100 per cent, TOTALLY!.  I'm in precisely the same position myself with a few added wrinkles (both life and face :-)  I am rapidly coming to the inevitable conclusion that there is no answer for me, no decision I will make can be the right one.  Depression multiplied by despair is overwhelming me.

I'm very sorry to hear that you are experiencing the same situation.  You absolutely have my sympathy and best wishes because I don't think that anything or anyone can really help, sad to say.

[monica.soto]

Just need to get this out somewhere.  Haven't been able to express myself as Josie in a while and it's wearing me down.  To far along in life and too many depend on my being a husband and father....to many decisions made....have to be the male persona I've created.

It's not that I mind being male, I really don't......it's just that it doesn't quite fit me...for lack of a better way to say it.  I have a lot of regret over suppressing this for so long (then re-suppressing when I started a family).  Wish it hadn't taken me so long to accept myself as I am....tough to be someone your not.  Would have been simpler if I'd just been born female.

...sorry for the maudlin post....like I said, needed a place to vent.  Eventually, I need to be able to express and female and have a circle of friends that understands and accepts that part of me....

Wow, It's like reading something I wrote myself, seeing that I'm almost in your exact situation (married, father, female identified)  I just only dressed myself for the first time in 4 years yesterday. Anyhow if you want to chat or vent some more, PM me, I'll gladly talk your ears off.

[JoanneB]

Just need to get this out somewhere.  Haven't been able to express myself as Josie in a while and it's wearing me down.  To far along in life and too many depend on my being a husband and father....to many decisions made....have to be the male persona I've created.

It's not that I mind being male, I really don't......it's just that it doesn't quite fit me...for lack of a better way to say it.  I have a lot of regret over suppressing this for so long (then re-suppressing when I started a family).  Wish it hadn't taken me so long to accept myself as I am....tough to be someone your not.  Would have been simpler if I'd just been born female.

...sorry for the maudlin post....like I said, needed a place to vent.  Eventually, I need to be able to express and female and have a circle of friends that understands and accepts that part of me....

I've been fightin many of these same feelings this past year or so. I had tried seriously experimenting with transition twice in my 20's. Both times ending it for the elusive prize of being "normal" Afterall being a guy wasn't THAT bad for me.

I had learned a lot of tricks to get by. Honed and refined them over 3 decades. But when the excrememnt hit the air handler a few years back being trans and not seriously addressing or resolving it was a maor cause as to why things go bad.

For every good logical reason I can name for going forward, I have at least another one or two as why I shouldn't. I have all these responsibilities I agreed to take on. I have a wife I adore. I have a carreer that provided much of my identity and helped me have at least some small feelings of self-worth.

Yet, all those reasons have to compared against fuzzy things like happiness and joy. For now being part-time helps. It is difficult for me not to project into the future and where even that will lead. I go through cycles of starting and stopping. Stopping mainly to punish myself for being an idiot. Though I can go full-time, there is no point. Why torture myself playing a game I cannot finish?

It sucks 

[luna nyan]

I can totally understand your feelings.  I label this onethe regrets on not taking that right turn at Alburquerque.

I went through 6 months of therapy in my mid 20s, trying to make a decision.  For me, at the time, neither road looked fully satisfactory to me, so I ended up trying to live the conventional life, and to those around me, from the outside looking in, it looks like a pretty good life.  To this day, I get periods of frustration, because the female side of me cannot express fully but once again, there are quite a few people depending on me as I am, and the benefit to cost of transition just isn't there for me.

It sucks, but it is good to know that there are others out there in the same situation.  I'm hopeful for the next generations to come, that the path through transition becomes easier and easier, so that they don't have to go through what we deal with.

[eshaver]

Josie , I bet you speak for most if not all on this forum. Hey, I drove cab too long , talk to me , I promise whats said won't get spread to anyone ............. ellen