On Etiquette

[Shana A]

On Etiquette

Posted by Oliver Leon in That Transsexual Guy on November 14, 2012

http://thelinknewspaper.ca/blogs/entry/3637

I want to dissect a remark that I often get from people: "I didn't realize that you were trans" or "I couldn't tell!"

This is not a compliment—it's an insult. It's tantamount to saying, "I couldn't tell you were disabled!" You are not expected to be able to immediately realize, merely by looking, that someone is trans or disabled, unless that person wants you to or can't hide it (i.e., being in a wheelchair). That's merely a part of the person's everyday life. The commenter here is attempting and failing to compliment the person on "passing" as cisgender (non-trans) or able-bodied (not-disabled).

Now to my knowledge, in circles that aren't queer, passing is constructed as, for example, female-identified person trying to be read as female. So a male-to-female transsexual who successfully passes as female... gets an A+? Nah, it means that she can navigate bathrooms safely and without anyone yelling, "There's a man in a dress in the woman's bathroom!" However, calling someone a man in a dress is assuming a lot about a person's gender, don't you think?

[Michelle-G]

Wow, life must be going really well for Oliver to allow him the luxury of obsessing over the most arcane points of what is generally regarded as a compliment.

Truly Oliver doesn't bear the burden of outright ostracism for having, um, shall we say ... a less than polished presentation that makes people wonder not only who but what he is?  That he does not have a presentation that brings with it scorn and ridicule and perhaps even physical assault?  Poor Oliver!  He has to struggle with the egregious insults of people whose surprise that he is in transition is expressed by the disbelief that he was wrapped in a pink blanket at birth instead of a blue one.

How DOES he ever manage?

I get the issue with the words "pass" and "passing".  I really do.  To me the term connotes deception, or at least an illusion.  It's a common word used by magicians to cover up the reality of what is actually happening right before the audience's eyes so the illusory effect of the trick can occur.  I never use that word myself.  I prefer the term "blend", to connote that I am achieving my goal of being able to live freely and publicly in my true gender without others having to deal with the distraction of wondering who or what I am or what I once was, and then foisting their anxieties on me in what are generally unpleasant ways.

At the core of the issue is the self-identification of my own transition.  Is my goal to transition from male to female?  If, as I assert, my true gender is not the one I was assigned at birth than the notion that I am transitioning from male to female is inherently false.  I never actually was male to begin with.  If my goal is to transition from being gendered male to being gendered female then such compliments are not misguided insults but societal validation that my efforts to ease my own gender dissonance and my intent to be perceived as female are in tune with each other and are effectively helping me to live as I was meant to live.