Susan's Place Logo

News:

According to Google Analytics 25,259,719 users made visits accounting for 140,758,117 Pageviews since December 2006

Main Menu

Not sure if this is the appropriate place..

Started by Sebass, November 19, 2012, 09:40:51 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Sebass

Hi, I'm not sure if I'm in the right place, so I'll just jump right in.

My girlfriend, and soon to be fiancee, is a  MtF transsexual. She has not started any hormones or therapy or anything, yet. She lives full time as a woman, and will shortly be moving to Georgia to live with me.

My questions are...well, just about everything. Legality, paperwork, insurance, medical concerns, insurance, etc, etc, etc. We're both pretty ignorant about the whole thing, me obviously more than her. I've done a bunch of research, but there doesn't really seem to be a place to find all the information I might want, all consolidated into one convenient location. I'm starting to think this is an unrealistic goal.

Is this a good place to start?
  •  

Ms. OBrien CVT

Well we can help where we can.  Tell us more about you both.  For example: we know that you GF is MtF, but what about you?  Male? Female? Trans?

  
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me
  •  

Sebass

I'm sorry. I'm male, I'm currently serving in the Army. While I realize that the ways I can help her through her transition, or even just enjoy life together, are...hindered, I suppose would be the right word...by my service, it does not at all mean that she's completely on her own, by any means.

I'm 25, she's 20, and relocating to Georgia soon, where I'm currently stationed. We are planning on remaining engaged until she can legally change her gender. She's passable, but has not started any medical treatment to assist in her transition. I'm not sure what steps she needs to take, as far as psychologists or physicians, tests, medication, etc...what resources are available locally in any sense, the costs of such, what is covered by most insurance plans, legal issues, etc. in addition to any input on any possible way to have her able to take advantage of my military benefits, although I realize that's an extreme long shot without being married in the eyes of the DOD.

I'm just rather overwhelmed by the immensity of the amount of information I need to take in and digest.
  •  

Ms. OBrien CVT

As for as she is concern, first finding a gender therapist.  From that she can find a doctor to get HRT started.  Some doctors will start by informed consent.

As far as your relationship, with the repeal of DADT, her trans status should not come into play.

  
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me
  •  

Sebass

As far as professional repercussions, yes, that is true, I was more referring to the fact that spousal benefits will be nonexistent, even were we to be wed before her legal gender change, as the DOD does not recognize same sex marriages. This means no medical coverage, no death benefits aside from me putting her down as a beneficiary in my SGLI, no education benefits, etc.

Mostly with regards to the no medical coverage, so any treatment will have to be covered by us out of our own pocket, or through private insurance, or insurance provided by her employer. There's also the inability to do simple things like get emergency leave for any issues that might arise with her or her family, no red cross service, inability to get a dependent ID card for her, etc.

I think I will write a letter to my congressmen regarding the hypocrisy of repealing DADT, but having no corresponding change in treatment of trans or homosexual partners or spouses, though, now that I think of it.
  •  

Brooke777

It's DOMA that is causing you all the trouble with getting her benefits. However, the red cross can still be called if there is an emergency with her family. They consider fiances to be family. The only issues you may come across is your command. I was lucky when I was in as I had a very nice command, but there are some that will not be so kind. Don't rule the emergency leave out just yet.

Transition without benefits can be very expensive. I would encourage you to get private insurance, or hopefully she can find a job with good benefits. But, neither of the areas surrounding the army bases in GA are very accepting. I saw KKK flags flying around in the towns around Ft. Benning and Ft. Gordon. I wish you the best of luck, and thank you for your service.
  •  

Sebass

Thanks for the tips. As far as physical safety, I'm not too worried. She's an incredibly beautiful woman, and besides, I'm a quicker draw and a better shot than anyone who might want to do us harm, and I will quickly be teaching her to be the same, and getting her carry permit.
  •  

spacial

Good luck Sebass. Think you've both got a positve edge.

Really hope to see more of you here, especially any news you may have of how things are going. Often, all we can do is listen. But some here have nuggets of information which can be just what you need.
  •  

Sebass

Thanks. It helps to talk about it, even as little as I did here. I understand i'm sort of on the outside of the complications and issues that the majority of members of this website have, I just don't know where to go. She's understandably very anxious and hesitant to really, really start on her transition. She knows she wants to do it, but I think it's just the crossing-the-point-of-no-return aspect of it, and even then...She's not really *scared*, per se, just...It's easy for her to talk herself into doing it tomorrow, or next week, or whatever.

And this is in her home state. She's moving within the next month or two here, and I imagine there's going to be even less resources available locally - maybe in Atlanta, or in Tampa, Orlando, Miami, or somewhere in SC or NC...But I doubt there's anything truly available locally, as far as any therapists or counselors or psychologists, suitable endocrinologists(?), or even surgeons. And god forbid if she has any medical complications, or legal issues while changing her residency, registering to vote, getting a DL or a carry permit, changing her name or gender in Georgia, etc, etc, etc...

I want to be the knight in shining armor, who has every answer and every solution, and I don't and I'm not sure if I ever will, but it's nice to know that there's resources available for me to find out necessary information, as needed. I just have to ask and dig, more than a simple Google.

Again, thanks...It eases my own anxiety just being able to talk about it, and I apologize if I'm on the wrong board, again - I saw the Significant Others board, but that seemed geared towards SO's of individuals discovering or coming out as transgender after already entering into the relationship, rather than knowingly entering into a relationship with a trans person.
  •  

aleon515

I don't have much to add, just to say it doesn't matter where you post really. This is fine. This is a supportive group and we are happy to have you here. I'm always happy to find SOFFAs (Significant others friends family and allies!!).

--Jay J
  •  

spacial

I get the impression that the reason there isn't a lot said is because there isn't a lot known.

It just has to be one of those cases where you take it as it comes and frankly, if anyone is going to make it, you are. You're quite a catch if you don't mind me saying so. A nice guy, with manners and guts.

Anyhoo, it's a case of dealing with each problem as it arises. Yes, you want to get things laid out, but the reality is you're on new ground. So, tenacity is the skill you gonna need. I also think you can mange that to be frank.

Some of us here talk about how things were in days past. The value of that is to remember that we have all come a long way.

Not so very long ago, America was a colony, but someone decided to take a stand.

There was slavery, then someone stood up.

There was beating up of gays, then someone said enough.

We will get there. You will get there. The world will get there, kicking, screeming, finding excuses and just one more point. But it will get there. And when it does, your kids, mine and everyone else's, will benefit. Personally, I'd prefer them not to be trangender because I don't want to see them hurt, but I do want them to know that others kids who are, are just as much fun as kids who aren't.

That's where you and I are going.
  •  

Sebass

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on November 19, 2012, 10:54:07 PM
Some doctors will start by informed consent.

Sorry, I started this thread on my phone the other night when I was on patrol, and I missed this piece. What do you mean by this?
  •  

Ms. OBrien CVT

Informed Consent is where the patient understands the complications, side effects, benefits and risks of using a certain medication.

As long as the doctor feels the patient understands these and is in agreement, they can issue a script.

And be safe out there, no matter where you are stationed now.

  
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me
  •  

eshaver

First, let me say thank you for you're brave service ! Now as to the marrage , HRT, medical dilemmas, uh Janet covered them pretty well. If it were me , I would get a pass to be legally married in say Massachusetts. Then you could go through the "official name change , uh try legal zoo.com . As far as the H R T therapy goes , well, that is simply a case of finding a com pentent endocrinologist that's O K with Gender therapy  .
See ya on the road folks !!!
  •  

peky

So, as far as the physical part the transition you may want her to see http://www.intownprimarycare.com/glbt-health/transgender-health.html to get started with the counseling and hormone replacement therapy. BTW this clinic is not to far from FtB
  •  

Sebass

Quote from: eshaver on November 21, 2012, 01:27:32 PM
First, let me say thank you for you're brave service ! Now as to the marrage , HRT, medical dilemmas, uh Janet covered them pretty well. If it were me , I would get a pass to be legally married in say Massachusetts. Then you could go through the "official name change , uh try legal zoo.com . As far as the H R T therapy goes , well, that is simply a case of finding a com pentent endocrinologist that's O K with Gender therapy  .

The marriage dilemma isn't something that can easily be solved. We're not wanting to go to a state that allows same-sex marriages to be wed, because neither of us likes that capitulation - just because she was born with male genitalia doesn't mean she's male. We shouldn't have to go through a same-sex marriage, because that's not what it is. We've both decided to wait until she can legally change her gender on her birth documents, and then be wed. Regardless, such a marriage would, to the best of my knowledge, have no real practical benefit, unless you were to reside in that state, or one of the few others that legally recognizes same-sex marriages. It certainly won't be recognized by the federal government or the Department of Defense.

As for the exchanging of vows, we are planning to do that at some point prior to a legal marriage. Thank you for the information and advice, however.

Quote from: spacial on November 21, 2012, 05:51:14 AM
I get the impression that the reason there isn't a lot said is because there isn't a lot known.

It just has to be one of those cases where you take it as it comes and frankly, if anyone is going to make it, you are. You're quite a catch if you don't mind me saying so. A nice guy, with manners and guts.

That's about the conclusion I'm coming to. Moreover, it's probably not the best decision to try to tackle everything at once - aside from the impossibility of it, it only serves to make the task seem more insurmountable. I need to step back, chill out, and work with her and be there for her step-by-step.

As far as me being a good catch, she sure seems to think so, but I have my doubts...
Quote from: peky on November 21, 2012, 01:28:47 PM
BTW this clinic is not to far from FtB

Thanks. I'm not actually at Fort Benning, but Atlanta is suitably close to every base in Georgia as to not be much of a difference. I'll definitely look into this place.

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on November 21, 2012, 01:11:41 PM
As long as the doctor feels the patient understands these and is in agreement, they can issue a script.

And be safe out there, no matter where you are stationed now.

As in, they may prescribe HRT treatments without an 'official' diagnosis of gender identity disorder or gender dysphoria, but rather just after making sure the patient fully understands just what the drugs will do?

As for being safe, I've made it through two wars, and she's made it through the hell of growing up in a southern small town in a Catholic family while presenting herself as gay, then trans...I'll be damned if either of us gets hurt when we're at the point in our lives where we should be just coasting.
  •  

Ms. OBrien CVT

Many doctors do prescribe HRT this way, especially if they have other trans patients.

  
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me
  •