Angry, depressed and full of rage (Just a rant)

[Dominick_81]

I'm so angry! I feel like I've wasted my money on T since it has not done what it was suppoed to do. All it has done was ruin my skin, made me lose my hair and gain weight. I still don't pass as male and my voice is nowhere near where it should be.  I'm angry now that I am reverting back to female. I'm not sure exactly how often my doctor needs me to get blood tests done to get the correct dosage so I don't revert back to female, but I'm obviously on the wrong dosage since I'm reverting back. I've been on the wrong dosage since August and when I had my last check up with the doctor she said the andro gel wasn't working so we upped my dosage again b/c it wasn't working still. About a month or so later, the andro gel still wasn't working so she upped my dosage again... Now it's obvious that its still not working since I'm reverting back to female. I see my face getting softer everyday, the fat reverting back to female. I wish I was just being paronoid, but I know I'm reverting back, I can see a change everytime I look in the mirror.

I see the doctor Nov. 30th and this way she can check to see if the fat has redistributed back to female if she checks me. The face however, I know she's gonna tell me I don't look any less masculine then when I saw her before, but really I do.  But she'll be able to tell me if the fat has redistributed back to female or not in the stomach.

I'm just so angry watching myself revert back to female and losing whatever little confidence I did have fade away. I'm even afraid to go in the men's room now. 

I feel like I'm killing myself. Like this is way I'm going to die. My life has no meaning so I don't care if I die ( just as long as I don't go to hell) to be dead would be a relief.  I can't take much more of doing absolutely nothing and just existing every miserable day. Put me in the wrong body and its worse. Oh wait, I already am in the wrong body. I just need to die, I need this to go away, I don't want to just exist, and that what I'm doing... just existing, just waiting for my time to die. Every day I wait to die and as long as I'm on T my time will be coming. I don't know how I'm gonna have a hysto if I won't go to a gyno...? And that will probably cause my death, not getting a hysto while on T.

Sorry for this long rant. I wish my mother had an abortion so I wouldn't be here. It would have been for the best. B/c my mom had me everyone suffers, even me. I'm a burden to everyone.  My mom made the worst decision of her life by having me.

[big kim]

Hang in there it will get better,at least talk to someone

[Dominick_81]

Thanks. I'm at the end now though.

[geek]

Dom i can't pretend to understand what you're going through, each persons journey is different, but you seem to have been struggling for a very long time, for as long as i've been on the boards at least - which is a while now i think? bit over a year? and likely longer - i think you need to talk to someone mate, maybe not a psychiatrist, but maybe just a councellor, you dont want to take your life, if you die you lose everything, and think about your family and friends, its not just one person that gets hurt, it ripples out, and its very sad.

if you need to talk, i'm more than happy to, send me a PM.

But don't do anything stupid. and killing yourself IS stupid, youre better than that.

- Harry

[Adam (birkin)]

I can't say I can relate exactly to how you are feeling - though I do understand the frustration of T not seeming to help. I haven't been on as long as you, only 7 months for me, but I still never/barely pass and sometimes I get really scared too. A few times, I have wondered how I would live the rest of my life if I could never integrate as a man. It can be really hard and scary to be patient when it seems like nothing is happening, and when it seems to be going backwards...I'd be afraid, depressed, and angry too.

And I have had, and sometimes do have, the feeling that my life doesn't have any purpose or that it won't go where I want it to. I don't actually have any concrete advice because it's something that haunts me now and again. But when you say there is no point in you being alive, and when the bad part of my mind tells me I don't deserve to be alive, there's this stubborn little part of me that just refuses to believe that. I don't know what the answers are for either of us. But I refuse to believe there isn't an answer for you or for me. I believe there are solutions to almost any and every problem even if they are not in plain sight.

I know that's extremely unhelpful but I guess I am just trying to say, I know, somewhat, where you are coming from, and I hope that you won't give up either. Maybe we can talk sometime. My PM box is always open.

[Dominick_81]

@Geek: Thanks.  I see a counselor. I've seen a counselor since I was, 15, 16 years old. I have a new counselor now. I've been seeing her for a few months now. I still see no progress though, my thoughts haven't changed since I was 15, I still want to die. I'm not sure why God is waiting so long for me to get a life...?

@Casey: Thanks. Have you got'n any changes in the past 7 months? Are you happy with your voice so far? Yeah, it totally sucks to be in the "in between" stage where people can't tell if your male or female.

[aleon515]

Well glad you are getting to the doctor. You need to really be assertive and insist that you are reverting. There is a factor of taking the wrong dose and T turning to E. Sometimes doctors like to play god, and not take your thoughts into consideration. Sounds like you have for quite a while been tested, dose increased or whatever, and nothing happens. This is way way too long. You deserve more serious treatment than this, imo. (BTW, you are the customer. I don't know if there are other options in terms of endos??)

I'm sorry you are in this very bad place, and I don't pretend to totally understand it though I have felt suicidal and so on, just not the same reasons. Still it is possible to get thru this.

--Jay J

[insideontheoutside]

At least you have the option of taking T.

As sucky as all this is for you, you need to look closely at how you're making yourself more miserable by basically refusing to do anything. You've posted numerous times about how you don't have a life or you don't "do" anything ... you're just sitting around waiting to die. Well ... it's really hard to help or encourage someone who's in that mindset. We're not all going to change your mind by telling you things get better and life is worth living. You have to want it. You have to dig down into yourself and find things you want to live for. You need inspiration and motivation. Do you have any hobbies? Do you have anything you love to do? Music you love to listen to? Anything like that. And if you're seriously that depressed, maybe you should be on an anti-depressant?

I think if you were able to find some confidence through other means not only your own mind would change about yourself, but other people's perception of you would change too. If you're convinced you're "reverting to female" then that's what you're projecting out into the world and it may actually be showing in your demeanor, the way you present yourself, your actions, how you interact with people, etc. That might be the only thing still getting you read as female because when you post pictures here everyone comments that you look male. Yeah, you're short, but there's a ton of short guys out there. It's the way you carry yourself. If people misgender you, correct them. Be assertive.

I know you just meant this post as a rant, but unless you pick yourself up and find something to live for you're going to be stuck in an endless spiral and all you'll be doing is ranting. Ask me, I know how that can be. Be thankful you at least have the option of T without screwed up side effects. You're already on a path I can't even walk on. But I got over the, "I want to die" thing, because it didn't do a damn thing for me but hold me in that state of doing nothing for myself. I'm depressed lately, but it doesn't mean I want to die. There a lot of things I found about life that trump wanting to give it all up, regardless of my problems with my body, or how people see me. But I had to find that motivation and inspiration and even imagination to keep going. It does help.

[Dominick_81]

@aleon515: Thanks. Hopefully something changes soon. I can't take much more of this.

@insideontheoutside: Sorry your not on T right now. Will you be able to take T in the future? 

I've tried anti-depressants, none of them worked.

I have no inspiration, motivation, hobbies, or anything I love to do to keep me alive, and besides, the stuff I love to do cost money and I have none.

[Adam (birkin)]

@Casey: Thanks. Have you got'n any changes in the past 7 months? Are you happy with your voice so far? Yeah, it totally sucks to be in the "in between" stage where people can't tell if your male or female.

I've gotten changes in hair, muscles, and body shape...people have commented that my face and voice have changed slightly, but I am still misgendered almost 100% of the time, and I'm not too happy with my voice.

[aleon515]

How many anti-depressants have you tried? Basically there are two or even three groups of them, and you may do better with an older type or may do better on a different med. Also there are otehr groups of meds that can be helpful like lithium or tegretol (the later is an anti-seizure drug). Also you sound like you could use some serious structure in your day and help with like goal setting and so on. Actually was VERY similar to this in my 20s. (not the T issues of course) I got into a program connected to a hospital and it was wonderful. I got help with setting goals and that sort of thing and it was a half day 5 days a week.


--Jay J

[AdamMLP]

God isn't waiting for you to get a life, you're waiting for God to give you one and it doesn't work like that.

Life doesn't suddenly click into place and then everything has a purpose again.  You need to do something about it.  It's hard when you're depressed and have no motivation or energy, but would you rather sit and vegetate in your room feeling miserable or get out and make something of your life?  No one asks to be depressed, but how you get yourself out of it is down to you.  You either take the quick way out and kill yourself, or you fight back and do something.  A little over a year ago I tried the quick method, and now I'm so glad that I didn't.  It was the wake up call that I needed, I never wanted to end it, but my own mind was working against me and all I could see were different methods everywhere I looked.  Sitting in the car on the way to hospital that night I realised that I had to do something.  I cut off ties with people who were dragging me down because of their own mental health issues, I bit the bullet and got myself a wonderful girlfriend, started trying in my school work, and went back to exercising because I knew it would help me.  Exercise does wonderful things to the brain, not just the body.

You've clearly got some pent up anger and emotion because of these posts here, why not turn it to something productive?  Get on to your doctor and sort out your T problems (although if I can remember correctly I actually thought you looked male in the last photos you posted) because that is clearly getting you down.  Can you ask someone to give their honest opinion on whether or not it's your mannerisms that are making you not pass, because from your photos I suspect there's something more than your physical features throwing them off?

And if I'm thinking of the right person, you were previously on an injectable form of T but switched to androgel because you don't like shots?  If it's since going on androgel that you feel this is happening then maybe it would be worth to overcome your problems with needles and go back/on to shots.  I would personally consider my constant mental health to be more of a priority than fear/discomfort every week or so.  Living inside a depressed brain is something I honestly would do almost anything to avoid again.

[Dominick_81]

@Casey: Sorry about that Casey. I know it sucks when changes come slow. I hope you get more changes soon and that your voice gets deeper too.

@aleon515: I can't remember how many. I wanna say around maybe 5...? But I know anti depressants won't help me. They won't make me skinny, they won't get me money, won't get me a girlfriend, won't get me friends, won't get me my dream job, won't get me out of the house, etc...  Those I have to do on my own. I need a personal trainer to help me and get a routine going. I wanna exercise, but I have no energy or motivation to move. I'm too depressed to do anything.

My first goal is to get skinny, my 2nd goal is to get a job, my 3rd goal is to get top surgery, (although top surgery is my main goal, but I need a job in order to get the money to pay for it) 4th and 5th goal, get my own place and get a girlfriend, 6th goal, get my dream job. I have my goals, I just can't get to them. I just need a miracle.

@Alex000000: I'm sorry things had got'n so bad for you that you tried to kill yourself. I'm glad you didn't die though.

I try to get out. I walk my dog, but I hate to walk, but I do it to get out of the house. But I am not happy walking. I feel miserable b/c I'm not going anywhere to do anything but walking the dog. Walking the dog is not productive to me. Though, it makes my dog happy b/c he loves to walk but I'm not a person that likes to walk.  Depending on the situation for walking, like walking on the beach, I wouldn't mind that, but it would have to be like on vacation. I can't relax and enjoy anything b/c I have no money to move on with my life. I'm stuck. I feel so stuck in life and until I get a job and get some money coming in I can't relax. I'm just stuck. I've been trying to get a job, I had a couple interviews but didn't get jobs. And there was a job I really wanted but I didn't get that one either. In Dec. it will  be 2 years since I had a job. And the job I had before this was a temp job but the work wasn't steady.

I've asked my cousins about my mannerisms (and they would tell me the truth) and they said I don't have any feminine mannerisms. I once wore the "Auryn" necklace  from the never-ending story" (I love necklaces-es ) but my cousins said that that's kinda girlie and people won't take you seriously as a guy if you wear that, and I'll probably be looked at as a gay guy too if I wore that. In my mind I wasn't even thinking about that, I was just thinking, "this necklaces is awesome and I wanna wear it", not thinking about how others would see me as. So yeah, they would tell me the truth.

Yeah, I was on the shots before. There's 2 things about getting the shots: 1: I can't take the anxiety every other week, 2: when I get a job it will make it harder to go to the doctors  to get my shot b/c depending on the hours I work and who at the doctors office is able to give me my shot, our work schedules might not work out and I can't be dependent on someone at the doctors office to give me my shots forever, I need to find a way to be independent, ya know what I mean? I could never see myself on shots for very long. I did the shots as long as I could until insurance started covering my T and then I was able to change over to the andro gel.

[Mercury]

I'm so angry! I feel like I've wasted my money on T since it has not done what it was suppoed to do. All it has done was ruin my skin, made me lose my hair and gain weight.

T doesn't follow any sort of set path. How it effects your body is different for everyone, cis or trans.
Skin changes, hair loss, and weight gain are normal side effects of T, that is what T is supposed to do.

I still don't pass as male and my voice is nowhere near where it should be.

Puberty takes years. This is your second one.

I'm angry now that I am reverting back to female. I'm not sure exactly how often my doctor needs me to get blood tests done to get the correct dosage so I don't revert back to female, but I'm obviously on the wrong dosage since I'm reverting back. I've been on the wrong dosage since August and when I had my last check up with the doctor she said the andro gel wasn't working so we upped my dosage again b/c it wasn't working still. About a month or so later, the andro gel still wasn't working so she upped my dosage again... Now it's obvious that its still not working since I'm reverting back to female. I see my face getting softer everyday, the fat reverting back to female. I wish I was just being paronoid, but I know I'm reverting back, I can see a change everytime I look in the mirror.

If the dosage is too high it can convert to estrogen. Is she doing blood work? How are your levels? Can you find another doctor?

I see the doctor Nov. 30th and this way she can check to see if the fat has redistributed back to female if she checks me. The face however, I know she's gonna tell me I don't look any less masculine then when I saw her before, but really I do.  But she'll be able to tell me if the fat has redistributed back to female or not in the stomach.

Fat redistribution can  take a long time and there a cis guys who hold weight more like a the average woman and cis woman who hold weight more like the average man. This is a really weird way to determine if the dose is correct.

I feel like I'm killing myself. Like this is way I'm going to die. My life has no meaning so I don't care if I die ( just as long as I don't go to hell) to be dead would be a relief.

Have you shared these feelings with your counselor?
The only way to have a life of meaning is to give your life meaning. No one can do this for you.

I can't take much more of doing absolutely nothing and just existing every miserable day.

Then stop doing absolutely nothing every day. Try to do something conductive to your goals everyday.

Every day I wait to die and as long as I'm on T my time will be coming. I don't know how I'm gonna have a hysto if I won't go to a gyno...? And that will probably cause my death, not getting a hysto while on T.

Everyone's day is coming. Everyone will die.
Why do you have to get a hysto in the first place? Plenty of trans guys don't get one, probably most don't.

Sorry for this long rant. I wish my mother had an abortion so I wouldn't be here. It would have been for the best. B/c my mom had me everyone suffers, even me. I'm a burden to everyone.  My mom made the worst decision of her life by having me.

Cut out the negative self talk it does't get your anywhere. No one choses to be born. How do you think your mom and everyone will feel if you wasted the life they gave you? She didn't get an abortion because you are wanted. Make the changed in your life that you have to so you stop suffering.

Antidepressants never worked for me either. They work best when you are just chemically depressed. Not when you have legit reasons for being so.

Happiness is a choice, you have to actively make choices that led to your happiness.

[Dominick_81]

@Mercury: My friends and cousins have told me my voice has only changed a a little bit, nothing major. My voice is still recognizable to everyone I know. I just asked my friend today, "does my voice sound male or female?" He said something like, " it can go either way."  I really hope my voice gets deeper. I wonder if it's not deep b/c I haven't been on a correct dosage long enough...?

"If the dosage is too high it can convert to estrogen. Is she doing blood work? How are your levels? Can you find another doctor?"

I don't know if the dosage I'm on right now is working or not so I gotta get some blood work done hopefully this week (if the doctors lets me) before I change the type of T I'm taking  to see it this dosage of andro gel is working or not.

"Fat redistribution can  take a long time and there a cis guys who hold weight more like a the average woman and cis woman who hold weight more like the average man. This is a really weird way to determine if the dose is correct."

I heard it takes anywhere from 6 months to a year for fat to redistribute back... ? And the andro gel hasn't been working since Aug. so I feel like the reversal part is or has already started reverting back to female. It hasn't been 6 months yet but it's been a while now.

"Have you shared these feelings with your counselor?""

Yep, my counselor knows.

"Then stop doing absolutely nothing every day. Try to do something conductive to your goals everyday."

I'm not sure what to do.

"Why do you have to get a hysto in the first place? Plenty of trans guys don't get one, probably most don't."

They don't know the long term effects of T on the ovaries and stuff and it's recommended to get a hysto 5-10 years on T.


"Make the changed in your life that you have to so you stop suffering."

I don't know what changes to make. I first have to get a job and get some money coming in that way I can buy some exercise equipment and try to loose weight. I find it hard to loose weight without a exercise machine or a bike to ride or someone that will go swimming with me or some kind of activity with me. Since it's winter it's harder to do outside activities. And I can't afford to go to the gym... I have no income at all.


"Antidepressants never worked for me either. They work best when you are just chemically depressed. Not when you have legit reasons for being so. "

True.

"Happiness is a choice, you have to actively make choices that led to your happiness."

I don't believe happiness is a choice.  Example: Take a good looking guy, Ashton Kutcher... make him short, fat and ugly, give him no income, no girlfriend, no friends, put him into a female body and then ask him if he's happy. I guarantee you he's gonna say no. I guarantee you he will be miserable.

No one on this life can convenience me that happiness is a choice... it isn't. If I could I choose to be happy I would. Who in life is actually really happy? I would say the skinny, the rich and good looking people are the happy people. Give me that and put me in the right body (nice body) with a full head of hair, a good height, and give me the girl of my dreams and I'll be happy.

[AdamMLP]

You can't choose to be happy but you can search in the wrong places. Sounds to me like that's you're problem, you're looking at the more materialistic and vain things in life for contentment, when in my opinion they're the least important. When I was very bitter at my parents for my upbringing - - or lack thereof - - I repeatedly thought "I'd rather live in a slum with people who loved each other and appreciated the small things than live in a real flat with electric and food but no love."

Anyway, take a look at him and tell me he's not happy despite not being born in societies idea of "perfect" and "attractive".

http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CDMQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DH8ZuKF3dxCY&ei=of-wUN70MdTY4QSRjoHgAQ&usg=AFQjCNGKUcMnle612I_gP8iCafLj0_LXCw&sig2=o8GAR1wLvxb_WAj3290qIg

[insideontheoutside]

If you think it's the "skinny, rich and good looking people" who are happy you've got a very distorted view of reality. Some of the most miserable people I've known in this life have been: famous, rich, skinny and good looking. They go on about how awful their lives are and how they can't do this or that or how they'll never find true love or do the work they want to do or even look the way they want to just as bad as you do. Hell I knew this beautiful girl who was ready to slash her wrists because she didn't have big tits and a boyfriend who "loved her". Countless people out there are dealing with issues because of their own screwed up perspectives. And you keep claiming to be all religious (or at least afraid of going to the Catholic version of hell) ... hell vanity is one of the 7 deadly sins.

I'm not trying to be a dick here, but you have to gain a little perspective on things. None of what you list as your wants are actually out of your reach, you've just made them out of your reach over the past 2 or more years. Nothing is going to happen for you if you do nothing about it. Walmart's probably hiring ... fast food joints are probably hiring ... sure those jobs suck but they're jobs and it would be a little bit of money coming in for you. It would also get you back out into the world and socializing. You think you're going to find a girlfriend hiding in your bedroom? You don't need exercise equipment to work out. You could be doing body weight exercises and working towards your goals of weight loss or improved strength. It's possible, but you've made it impossible.

Plenty of us out here are dealing with dysphoria, or crappy living situations, or not feeling loved or not having a partner, or being out of work and many other things you've been going through. You're not really alone. But it sounds like you've placed about a dozen excuses between you and your goals and you're holding on to this notion that things have to be "just perfect" in order for anything to happen for you. Of course you're not going to be happy. At this point, you can't "choose" to be happy, but you can make some choices about your perspectives on life.

Instead of just a counselor, you might look into a psychiatrist to help you through this. Any one worth their salt would have picked out other issues well beyond your gender issues that need to be worked on for you to make some progress.

[Dominick_81]

I think I've seen a video of that guy before. I'm glad he's happy, but I wouldn't be happy. It all depends on your personality too. He's not shy. He's outgoing. I'm not like that at all. I'm extremely shy which makes thing harder for me, which is probably why I still can't get a job after almost 2 years out of of a job.

I know I have a distorted view of reality. I just hate life. I can't move forward yet b/c I still have no job and no money to move forward. I have no motivation right now to do anything. I've been looking for a job for almost 2 years and still nothing. I'm frustrated. I'm not where I want to be in my transition. I'm still having a hard time passing and that's frustrating to me at almost 2 years on T.  I hate having to get dressed everyday and be so uncomfortable with all the binding stuff I'm wearing.  I just wanna be able to slip on a t shirt. I just want to get my surgery done and over with.

[anibioman]

depressed and full of rage, story of my life. it's horrible i hate it, my life is going in the wrong direction. and i have waves of depression i happen to be in a low spot right now there is nothing to get me back up. i feel like my life is perpetually that part in 500 days of summer where he is super depressed and does nothing.

[Dominick_81]

depressed and full of rage, story of my life. it's horrible i hate it, my life is going in the wrong direction. and i have waves of depression i happen to be in a low spot right now there is nothing to get me back up. i feel like my life is perpetually that part in 500 days of summer where he is super depressed and does nothing.

Sorry you not doing well either. I wish I could give you advice but I don't know what to say as I'm feeling the same as you. Though, if you can drive and have money coming in, I suggest just taking a drive. My car still needs to be fixed and I have no income or money to burn, but I love to take drives. If I had money and money to burn, I definitely would drive as much as I could. I love being on the road, it makes me feel free.