Some questions for all you gals who transitioned while married

[Carlita]

Monica, you're welcome, hon!

Kathy, you are SO right and ...

Liz Marie ...

As for those who rejected me, I cannot live their lives for them and despite having devoted 35+ years of my own life to their needs, their expectations, and their desires, they turned on me as soon as I sought to live for myself. So, to be quite blunt, until they change their attitudes, they can all take a long walk off a short pier.

I totally sympathise. I have always told my children that I would always love them, no matter what, and want them to lead their lives in their own way, whatever that might be ..

... as parents, for all the responsibilities and duties that we have towards our kids, don't we at least have some right to be allowed to lead our lives as we see fit, too?

[Beverly]

What have my costs been thus far? Complete rejection by my spouse which will end in divorce sometime next year, complete rejection by my youngest son and his spouse, major rejection from my eldest son with complete rejection from his spouse and her family, and totally being cut off from my eldest son's children.

That is so, so harsh. Have they no empathy at all? Are they deeply religious or something?

[monica.soto]

That is so, so harsh. Have they no empathy at all? Are they deeply religious or something?

You know what Bev, when something becomes a matter of Principles/morals/religious belief all hope of understanding or reaching a solution is null and void.

I really wish people could have more empathy. 

[LizMarie]

You know what Bev, when something becomes a matter of Principles/morals/religious belief all hope of understanding or reaching a solution is null and void.

I really wish people could have more empathy. 

My spouse came from a very fundamentalist family but seemed to want to break away from that herself. We raised our children to be religious but not fundamentalists. However both sons married into very fundamentalist Southern Baptist families and those families have dictated the direction of their religious development for several years. In college, my eldest questioned things, understood evolution, and was actually a level headed debater open to factual arguments. Now he believes the earth is 6000 years old, tells me that transgenders are a "deception" and a "threat to society", and sounds like a Rush Limbaugh instant replay. If I counter with facts, I'm told my sources are "biased" unless those sources agree with his preconceived notions.

My youngest son's reaction was sadly amusing when I came out to my three children. He sat there through the entire explanation, then suddenly stood and began screaming at me about how "selfish" I was and how I was going to hell. Every third word was "God" and every other third word was the "f" word. It was completely unhinged, then he sat down and seethed til the gathering was over, left, and has spoken to me twice since then, only because his mother was also present.

My spouse has run back into the fundamentalist arms of her parents and siblings. Early on she thought about trying to be accepting but one trip back home and that was all over. Her sister calls me and repeats how much a freak I'll be and repeats claims from Christian anti-transgender websites that are completely false in an attempt to frighten me. Her brothers don't even speak to me.

On the plus side, my daughter and her husband have been wonderfully accepting and we've grown closer. I have four very dear friends who have become my anchor during this process. My own siblings, though we live far apart, have all been accepting, even my youngest brother, a 6'1" 220 pound big city cop, who quipped "It don't matter what's between your legs, you've always been there for me and we're family. I've got your back."

So I've got supporters who I cherish. But it hurts a lot when those to whom you gave the best years of your life become judgmental bigots, not just of other people, but of you personally.

[Cindy]

I've been married for 31 years. No children (no sex drive). She knew before we got married and I lived at home as me but promised not to transition. She is now in a nursing home and I phone every day and bring her home on the weekends. I'm now FT and now ger awkward questions like: I think your hair is better Auburn with blonde streaks rather than blonde with Auburn streaks. You need you nails doing again and can you do mine in the same colour. That's a nice skirt.

We love each other, whoops let a secret out.

Cindy

[Carlita]

My spouse came from a very fundamentalist family but seemed to want to break away from that herself. We raised our children to be religious but not fundamentalists. However both sons married into very fundamentalist Southern Baptist families and those families have dictated the direction of their religious development for several years. In college, my eldest questioned things, understood evolution, and was actually a level headed debater open to factual arguments. Now he believes the earth is 6000 years old, tells me that transgenders are a "deception" and a "threat to society", and sounds like a Rush Limbaugh instant replay. If I counter with facts, I'm told my sources are "biased" unless those sources agree with his preconceived notions.

My youngest son's reaction was sadly amusing when I came out to my three children. He sat there through the entire explanation, then suddenly stood and began screaming at me about how "selfish" I was and how I was going to hell. Every third word was "God" and every other third word was the "f" word. It was completely unhinged, then he sat down and seethed til the gathering was over, left, and has spoken to me twice since then, only because his mother was also present.

My spouse has run back into the fundamentalist arms of her parents and siblings. Early on she thought about trying to be accepting but one trip back home and that was all over. Her sister calls me and repeats how much a freak I'll be and repeats claims from Christian anti-transgender websites that are completely false in an attempt to frighten me. Her brothers don't even speak to me.

Seen from this side of the Atlantic the pain caused by the crude, ignorant fundamentalism of so many people in America who call themselves Christian - while choosing to turn their backs on all the tolerance, forgiveness and compassion that was absolutely central to Christ's teaching - seems like a tragedy and an outrage. I'm only sorry that you, like so many other women who post on this forum have suffered at the hands of these vile bigots.

[Beverly]

Seen from this side of the Atlantic the pain caused by the crude, ignorant fundamentalism of so many people in America who call themselves Christian ... seems like a tragedy and an outrage.

I agree. It is completely incomprehensible to me how they can react with such bile and anger toward another person. There are lots of people whose lifestyle I find incomprehensible but I would never dream of vilifying them for it.

I'm only sorry that you, like so many other women who post on this forum have suffered at the hands of these vile bigots.

Indeed. US taliban.....

[kathy bottoms]

I agree. It is completely incomprehensible to me how they can react with such bile and anger toward another person. There are lots of people whose lifestyle I find incomprehensible but I would never dream of vilifying them for it.

Indeed. US taliban.....

Seen from this side of the Atlantic the pain caused by the crude, ignorant fundamentalism of so many people in America who call themselves Christian - while choosing to turn their backs on all the tolerance, forgiveness and compassion that was absolutely central to Christ's teaching - seems like a tragedy and an outrage. I'm only sorry that you, like so many other women who post on this forum have suffered at the hands of these vile bigots.

In the US it's a sad fact that  people in the religious right can't find the love and respect that Jesus Christ preached to his followers.  They rely on the Old Testament to support their bigotry, and they're conflicted by the compassionate teaching of Christ in the New.  Luckily these truly religious bigots are so rarely violent that they can almost always be ignored, even if they sadly harass and openly discriminate against anyone who can't cower in their "WISDOM".   But I have always feared the marginally educated and resentful males who drink heavily to heal the wounds of life, as they further damage their meager minds.  Then they roam freely like packs of dogs to attack and eliminate anything that threatens their mental incompetence. 

Don't misunderstand me, I dislike both groups.  But I truly fear the ruthless dogs far more than the religious bigots.   

I was raised by very religious but free thinking parents who insisted on studying our Catechism, and being Confirmed in the church.  Then as far as our religion went, they kind of set us loose in life at a young age.  None of my seven brothers and sisters have ever questioned my becoming an atheist, or the two brothers who are clearly agnostic.  I hope they react  to my transition in the same open and loving fashion. 

Kathy

[monica.soto]

Oh wow, this topic got a little heated on the religious front.

I like to think I practice respect, though some religious postures and attitudes of so called religious people are frankly off-putting.

I have never understood the necessity or desire that some people have to submit people who are or think different to them to their way of life or why certain people go out of their way to make others uncomfortable.

In the end, we are all just transient beings in a transient world, we should be nice to each other.

[LizMarie]

Oh I agree, Monica!

I'm religious myself but what probably would be called a "liberal" Christian, as if that's somehow a bad thing. I no longer discuss religion with my sons, mostly because they don't discuss it with me and hardly speak to me anyway, but at one point before coming out they did get annoyed at me pointing out their inconsistencies and hypocrisies. Likewise with my spouse since we're currently living together. Some topics are best left alone. However, I do know that their rejection of me is religiously based as they've said so ("You're going to hell!") and I've been told by others that they discuss me in demeaning and spiteful terms, much of which centers on their embarrassment of being associated with me. Yeah, it's not really about me or my soul, it's about what the neighbors think about them.

What I do though is focus on my daughter, who has been beautiful and amazing throughout all this and on my friends who have been so very accepting of me.

But I can say, in every single personal case where I have been rejected, it has been due to religious fundamentalism, so please excuse me if I have a low tolerance for fundamentalists and their narrow world view.

[monica.soto]

Hey Liz!

I identify as a very liberal Catholic (most of what I think would still get me excommunicated and/or got me tortured by the inquisition in earlier times), and although I don't see eye to eye with most of my fellow catholics, i think the only way to change the world is from the inside out, not from the outside in.

Don't think for a second I was advocating tolerance for bigots! The thing is, fundamentalists usually hide their ignorance and their hate behind the shroud of religion... this is not right, never has, never will be.

I would advocate to call these people out on their BS but seeing as how fundamentalist think, this would be a waste of time and energy.

What I meant by respect is you can do your own weird fundamentalist thing as long as you're not trying to impose your self diluted and horrid world view upon those who don't wish to live by your misguided views on life based on a misguided understanding of the bible.

[Carlita]

And even if you sort out the bigots, there's still the wife to worry about ...



... she said, getting back on topic!

[monica.soto]

Well said Carlita!

Family,wife, work, society, funds for FFS, B&BA, and a new wardrobe, etc. etc.!

[kathy bottoms]

... she said, getting back on topic!

You're right.  And I'll take some blame for getting off on a tangent. 

K

[Ms Bev]

We've been married 33 years, and have 2 grown children, and 3 grandchildren.  It's been so long since I transitioned, my 2 youngest grandchildren only remember me as "Nana", and Marcy as "Grammy".
When I first came out to her, she could see that I was suddenly horrified that I had revealed that secret, and was worried sick.  The first thing she said in response was, "I want you to know first, that I love you , and I'm not going anywhere.  She was so understanding.....until I needed to go purse shopping.  That was a hurdle for her.  The next hurdle came when I went FT, and it hurt her to see me come home from work, often in tears.  the last hurdle was agreeing that I could wear a dress.  Many hurdles are simply symbolic, and the spouse in this situation just sees her line in the sand move, further and further from where she started.
Our then very young grand children took the news in stride, and adopted "Nana"  immediately.  Our daughter was, and is, wonderfully understanding, and accepting right away.  My son took longer to come to a sense of understanding, though his love for me never diminished, and he would lay down his life for me.
The workplace was totally opposite of my treatment by my family.  At work, I was mocked, and widely considered a non-person, and was eventually fired.  I fought back, offering to sue, and was placed back in my position I was fired from, and given back pay.  Over the years there, I regained a couple old quasi-friendships, and a few new ones.  Others saw me as brave, powerful, and someone to steer clear of.
Our church shunned us, and we ended up in a different church.
In all, it's a crazy roller coaster ride that ends in a better place than where I started.  For my wife,it was a gradual deep understanding of gender dysphoria, and the understanding that once started, I was not going to be a "little bit female", and that transition is an all or nothing proposition.  We are now happier than we have ever been in our new relationship, and life is wonderful for us now, but it was a rugged ride getting here.  As a final thing, I can say in all honesty, if your dysphoria isn't making you suicidal, or unbearably unhappy, then  Don't do it.  Don't transition unless you are willing to see everything in your life go to hell.  There are so many people who have lost everything, though that wasn't the case for us, I'm happy to say.  Where are we now?  We are just 2 days from our hospital stay for genital repurposing surgery with Christine McGinn, something I never dreamed of saying! (Yea!)

[Reagan]

Monica I came out to my wife in January. I started my transition in April. We have been married almost 13 years. I would say that at the beginning of transition it was very difficult for her to understand and at a time we were planning on separating, but we ended up staying together. We decided that things would be much worse if we separated and got divorce. We both love each other very much and love our family. We both made a commitment to one another and we have no intention of breaking that.  We both enjoy our rolls in the family and love the fact that we are two moms and share the roll without any complications. I'm a full-time stay at home mom and she is the working mom. We decided that during my transition I shouldn't have to deal with outside issues that could arise from trying to maintain a full-time job and transition.

I would say in the beginning that she felt that I betrayed her by not telling her. I had to explain that I wasn't able to admit to myself that I was transgender. It took me half my life to understand then to admit it. It was never about trying to deceive her. Then of course there is the mourning period of her losing her husband. Then some anger and more sadness. We both went trough plenty of counseling and a few months later she decided that the changes in me were so positive that she couldn't see herself living without me and I without her. We were able to reset out relationship and move forward. She has become my biggest advocate and there is nothing she wouldn't do  to help me through my journey.

It's the best hing I have ever done!

[monica.soto]

Hey Bev,

Thanks for sharing, It seems one must be willing to lose it all, and there are no guaranteed happy endings, I'm glad it all worked out in the end for you.

Makes me wonder if it would for me. I have this feeling it would complete me so, but still it tugs at my indecision.

[monica.soto]

Hey Reagan,

That part about not being truthful to the wife is one of my biggest hang ups, it is part truth that I haven't been able to admit to myself that I would love to transition, but the whole truth is that I've known this all along, I mean one of if not  my earliest memories is about wanting to be girl.

All of this will be emotionally drining, I need to rest up and thnik long and hard about where I want to be in life.

Thank you.

[Beverly]

I need to rest up and thnik long and hard about where I want to be in life.

From what I understand you may want to be somewhere other South America. It does not  seem to be a very trans-friendly continent.

[monica.soto]

From what I understand you may want to be somewhere other South America. It does not  seem to be a very trans-friendly continent.

yes, this would mean potentially never seeing my family again (regfularly at least)...I guess my options are Canada or Australia (with their open policy towards skilled workers) and the EU (me being Italian and all, but not really an option with the ->-bleeped-<- economy that's going on there).