My story from start to finish, mtf age 28

[Chloe421x]

I want to have just one post that I will update periodically, to hopefully help future trans people have another point of reference. I'm still at the very early stages of this entire process but wanted to keep a diary or log of such of the entire process from start to finish ( though we never truly finish in life, just go on one day at a time ).

My name is Nick and I believe I will allow those dearest and closest to me whom have known me the longest and been there for me the most continue to call me Nick if they choose. I am choosing the name Chloe because it has meaning to me and I think the name is just adorable I'm 28 years 5 months old right now ( the whole do this before you turn 30 stigma has me keeping track of the months hehe ) and I just made my first therapy appointment! When I hung up the phone with my soon to be therapist it was like I was being bathed in warm water all over my body.....I felt so good that I have finally taken the first significant step toward true happiness with myself! She sounds wonderful, has 7 years experience and in here bio she lists that one of her specialties is trans issues. Speaking to her on the phone she said that she has helped previous clients attain HRT and that she has access to many resources to help me toward that goal! Wow did that make my heart melt even more. I start next tuesday at 1pm! ( reminding myself )

I have been thinking about transitioning for at least 4+ years though i've only been seriously thinking about it for the last 7 months or so. Last Halloween ( over a year ago ) I dressed as the sexy hogwarts girl costume ( really short cute tight grey full body mini skirt ) and it felt so amazing all night. I shaved my legs completly ( not the first time ive done this, but the first time i had gone in public showing that i had done this ) and had on a cute pair of panties on underneath that i'm sure were showing from time to time all night. Before this, i had worn panties under my regular cloths on and off for the better part of 4 years ( however the first time i started wearing panties on and off was 18/19 ) which was always about as far as my self esteem would let me go.

however since that fateful halloween, my bravery increased ten fold and I confessed to my girlfriend ( at the time gf of 3 years, currently weve been together for nearly 4 years ) that I really enjoyed it. She felt it was just kinky and turned her on a bit but didnt give it much more thought. Within our first year of being together i confessed to her that i enjoyed wearing panties ( as well as little girl diapers, but thats for another thread    ) but this time she knew that I enjoyed dressing up as a girl.

well, I started wearing panties full time.....shaving my legs on and off ( i still get razor burn on my thighs area so its hard to be smooth full time sadly ) and from time to time I would dress up female for making love. Well, one fateful evening we decide to have a heart to heart and she attempts to discuss how deeply this goes with me to which i confessed that I had always considered transitioning into a woman but never felt happy enough in life to do so. Because of her , i had known happiness I hadnt experienced in over a decade which allowed me to genuinely explore my inner most feelings and desires.....when in the past i had suppressed everything and never cared for or about myself. When I told her i wanted to become a woman some day , not just cross dress or keep my feminine feelings to myself, she burst into tears. She was confused and scared ( shes a homebody mostly terrified of change, and not much experience in life, lived at home up until today even at age 24 ). We talked about it a little further and I assured her i've never been attracted to men and that the only thing that would change is my physical appearance....i would still be me on the inside. Shes a little bit overweight but I've always loved her for who she is and I told her that if she would love me even if i got fat or she would love me even if i was deformed or got some hideous scarring or strange disease.....why couldnt she love me if I was a woman on the outside. She slept on it and the following day she was supportive of it. She now talks to me about it from time to time and can make jokes about how im gonna have to have the babies then Its been getting slowly better and better and shes very supportive of me!

Since then, my confidence has grown even further, I recently had my ears pierced. I started shaving my legs more frequently and shaving my arms chest and arm pits as well. When I wear my jogging shorts outdoors, I wear them super super high to feel more femine. I have class 4 days a week and from time to time ( ive done this 3 times so far ) I walk from home to class ( about 2 miles ) wearing my favorit tight female looking pink t shirt with a purple skirt on. Once at night time I also went for a walk of about 3 miles in my old halloween full body mini skirt ( whats the name for that exactly, a 1 piece that goes from mini skirt at bottem to up over my whole body short sleeves on top? ) and got to walk by many people. I was nervous but im an extremly self confident person so its been going well and getting more and more easy for me. I believe I will goto my first therapist meeting in my pink t shirt and purple skirt outfit so excited to do that5 my heart skips a beat just typing this.

About my past, I ( like many others im sure ) had a bit of a lousy childhood. I learned eventually ( im very intelligent ) how to play the game of being social and fitting in. To this day I can easily modify my behavior and personality to fit into any crowd and get along with any people. My mother was intensly emotionally absent my entire childhood up until about 7 or 8 years ago really. My dad never knew me at all but at least tried to make me happy. He never really got me or "real talked" with me......he enrolled me into baseball......i was bored out of my mind and didnt care for it......he enrolled me into basketball......i didnt shoot the ball ocne for a whole season....I wish i could have done rock climbing or gymnastics or ballet or dancing......my parents got divorced when I was about 5 years old.

I was addicted to video games from about when it happened....it was how i coped with my emotionally absent mother ( whom i lived with full time, but my brother chose to live with my father full time ). I would see my dad on most weekends but not always and the first thing we would do is goto the rental place and rent me a video game and i wouldnt see much of my dad the whole weekend while i played video games.

in school i was a classic trouble maker, though still really smart i simply hated school. I got straight D's and C's because i turned in zero homework but got A's and B's on all the tests. I never learned to be myself, always just was a somewhat popular and liked kid based on the fact i could be what people enjoyed me as....never myself.

i hung out with my older cousin, whom was one of my only friends really from age 6 until about age 14 ( hes about 9 years older then i was ). He too was a classic trouble maker.....i first drank alcohol, with him, when i was 12. I drank on and off 4-20 times a month for the next 7 years of my life.....by age 19 i was a full blown alcoholic.....drinking at work.....on the road on the way to work....first thing when i got home. Suffice to say my cousin was a terrible influance on me but i depended on him....and he depended on me. I gave alot to him and helped him through his life.....but he put me down constantly and belittled me a ton. This did bad things to my self confidence and self esteem.

Well, now to the good......one day I decide ( as i am, at heart even through the worst years of my life, a very strong person ) I'm gonna quit drinking. my life is going nowhere. I do, and i save up some money and move about 3 hours away from anyone and everyone id ever known......just went and started life fresh. Lived right on the beach for a while. Eventually got a really ncie job......but decided i wasnt doing enough with my life so i quit that and moved again. I loved to just start over in life and mvoed several times getting very adapt at living of nothing and surviving with very little. I eventualy found my spirituality....staretd taking better care of my body and feeling much haappyer in life!

eventually, I enlist into the united states marine corps. A year and a half later, medically discharged for sever shin splints, I made my way to my current home ( where i had briefly met my soon to be fiance ) and have been here the last 4 years. I got together with my fiance....we hit it off.....weve had our ups and downs but lifes been great. We've been engaged for .....gosh how long has it been lol.

anyways, im going to update this thread from time to time, mods if its in the wrong place please move it for me. I want to document my transistion from start to finish and i feel like making my appointment was my first big , genuine step in that process!

I will wright more soon, anyone who has any questions please feel free to ask me anything. Advice and general anythings is welcomed I'm going to start a blog as well which i will link once i create it

So happy right now! Love susans!

Chloe

[Chloe421x]

inspired from my first post, I just went out and bought my first bra  I Had so much fun wearing it home, I had to try on all of my female outfits with it on....... so happy right now

[Devlyn]

Hi Chloe, welcome to Susan's Place! Thank you for your service, and sorry about the legs. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

[justmeinoz]

Hello and welcome.

It's good to hear you girl is able to at least start to come to terms with things, and has stayed.  Your story is typical of many of us I would say, so many have been in the armed forces or emergency services, either in an attempt to "Man-up" or hide.  I chose the Police myself.

It sounds like things are progressing at a nice pace for you.  I look forward to reading further posts.

Karen.

[Chloe421x]

Karen, My fiance has been wonderfully supportive and she recently confessed she loves androgyny And hello hugs and thank you

Devlyn, The legs are better now, at the time for whatever god awful reason, "boots and uts" runs ( combat boots and a decent load ) were all we did......6 days a week.....on concrete for between 2-6 miles at a time. I enlisted a little late, got out of boot camp at age 24, the boots and uts runs just destroyed my shins, i could hardly walk. But i've mostly recovered now, hugs to you too and thank you so much! I love it here so much


Made my blog finally! and made a new post on it as well, and a picture of me

http://chloeyourbeautiful.blog.com/

[spx_1112]

Chloe. Thanks for sharing your story and blog.  Hugs Shannon

[Chloe421x]

Chloe. Thanks for sharing your story and blog.  Hugs Shannon

your so welcome and hugs back at you shannon : ) Hope all is going well for you!


new update to my blog, and i guess ill post here as well;

http://chloeyourbeautiful.blog.com/




college campus is about 2 miles away and to move myself along with being comfortable in very obviously female clothing out in public, on tuesday thursday ive been walking to and from campus in my favorit outfit, my pink t shirt and purple skirt

weather wasn't too great, but i love being outside in my outfit regardless. To continue to sort of push things ( a bit too forceful maybe? ) forward, I take a very public route to campus, going along a very busy street ( i live in a rather large city, over 1 million population ) where i have to walk with and through many people in full view. It feels wonderful! I'm normally not much of a social person, so even if i was in male clothing, i would be the same person.....just quiet keep to myself mostly ignore other people, so even though im in a skirt and pink girls shirt with shaved legs / arms , earings showing.....its really not much different for me. I do get nervous when walking right at people sometimes, but in the end.....if they're rude i wouldnt care to know that person regardles of circumstance.....most people are either polite or ignore you anyway, so have to get used to just not having it be a big deal really.

I did run into one retard today, and i could tell by the look of him, he was gonna have something dumb to say, so i kept my eyes forward and simply ignored him. As i passed by ( he had to double take and wait till i was very close ..... i think i pass from afar   ) says " why are you wearing a pink t shirt and a skirt? " in a deragatory tone.

/ignore

kept on walking unphased before i get to campus, i switch my skirt out for a pair of tight feminine pants......funny how most rude people who would comment at you for wearing a skirt....could care less if your wearing girls pants lol. Anyway, pants on ( im not ready to be full girl mode in class yet, on campus sure, but not stuck in a room with people who may have dumb comments ....not yet at least   ) i went to class.

on my way back home after class, same thing. slip ff my pants and have a big smile on my face all the way home

Chloe

[Chloe421x]

after reading this thread here;

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126884.0.html

and many on here commenting on all of the little things that go into "passing" as a female, it really got me thinking. It was wonderful to read that thread and see everyones input, and i believe i am going to start a new thread to continue to learn to be female, all of the little things i can work on.

lately at work ( im a sign spinner person, yes i stand on a corner and hold a big sign and move it around lol ) i've been working on my feminine walk. I forget where i read it, also on here, but someone said something to the extent of if you watch women in a beauty pagent, they always tend to have there shoulders more back, and but out a bit. So, where i waive my sign, i actualy tend to pace about 50 ft forward and 50ft back to my starting point....so i've been useing my pacing as a cahnce to work on my feminine walk I feel like im a model on a runway lol. But its been good practice. This job also affords me the wonderful oppertunity to sort of force myself to be very much out in the open while presenting feminine. I wear exclusivly, obviously female pants and a small tight sweater, and i prance back and forth practiceing my walk while looking all of the drivers in the eye.....get used to feeling feminine and being in public and being used to people staring at me. I also have slightly longer then shoulder length hair, which for work i wear in a pony tail and am 100 % super clean shaven face arms legs. When the 3weather is warm enough i do this same deal but with my super hi shorts on

this job, though only paying a little bit higher then min wage, i think will be a good in the process of transitioning job.....as A. theres no uniform and B. no one checks on me or cares what i do ..... i just get paid to wave the sign, everything else is ireelevent. One of these weekends im gonna spend all day waving the sign in a skirt and form fitting tight pink t shirt Should be fun ~

Chloe

p.s. how many posts do i need before i can be a "real" member here, like see other peoples profiles and what not.

[Chloe421x]

So i went to my first therapy session recently. I am waiting to wright about my second session, as the first was mostly just me telling my whole story of life.....not much therapy

Shes a wonderful lady though, and fun to talk to and I cant wait to see how the next few sessions go. As per what we will actually talk about..... I really don't know. I dont really feel I need therapy to be honest, I've always been very intelligent and introverted, I talk with / to myself all day long and know myself inside and out..... I've targeted and worked on alot of issues of my own and have read some books. So it will be interesting I think. At least with the fact I went and plan to go again, has been making me think about transition mroe and more and from different angles.

I recently saw my family for thanksgiving and was picturing how things will go next year : )

But to be honest, I'm not very nor have I ever been very close to my family. My parents being divorced when I was 5 or so, Me living with my mother whom was very emotionally absent, me not really connecting with my dad, and the fact that I prefere to forge my own path and figure things out for myself.....I've just never been close to any of my family....so I'm of the opinion they can sort of just deal with it and I will just be doing my own thing.

Talked with my fiance again, as I recently read about a straight woman whom was dating a pre transitioned transgender man whom wanted to transition.....It was very sad when she described her feelings....I had to talk to my fiance about it, as she means the world to me. Again she told me that she wants me to be happy, and I told her how nothing would change, just my physical appearence and I would let her dictate my pace somewhat, and I would move slowly for her. I was happy after we talked, shes the only thing in life that concerns me with transitioning.

Some things I am continueing to work on.....and it would be nice if others whom are further along could give me some more stuff to work on...

1. my voice, sadly I dont get as often to work on this as i would like....i have very very little privacy. Anyone know any ways I could practice my voice when I have very little privacy?

2. I'm trying to work on my walk and presentation.....I find myself staring at woman all the time now with a scientist mindset lol..... Arch shoulders back a  little...stick butt out a little.... what are some more stuff I could work on?

3. I want to start toying around with make up, but again the lak of privacy hurts here...

4. Eventually, but it may be abit too bold right now, I want to get my eyebrows shaped : )  This would be awsome : )

Thats all I can think of for now, too cold to wright for now : )

Chloe


edit: oh and I've been loseing a little w8 in preperation for when I start HRT.....but im allready very physically fit so im not sure how far I should take this... I'm 5'10 about and 148 pnds, with very little body fat. I run 3-5 miles 4-5 days a week and I goto the gym about 4-5 days a week and I've changed my work out to almost exclusivly low w8 high rep.....like thighs and hips and squats im doing 80-120 reps at a good  w8, and with anything arms or upper frame related, im doing 10-30 pounds and 100-150 reps at a time.

I was thinking about getting down to about 145 pnds, and maybe down to 137 or so when im really close to starting hrt, then let myself gain about 3 pnds a month when I start, to let the fat goto the mroe feminine places.

[Chloe421x]

had my second therapy session tonight and it was interesting. I wonder if any other mtf's can relate....I've had trouble getting and maintaining erections most of my life. The few times ive been with a woman before my current fiance, i couldnt get erect at all for sex, and to this day when being intimate with my fiance, rarely am i fully erect and if i get close to that it doesnt last very long.

she says its quite possible i simply dont nor have i ever really felt attached(?) to my penis....which i dont really....i dont associate outright as manly and on the rare occasion i present as being macho or many, its jsut for playing social games, i dont care to be masculine or to identify as such. During sex im mostly concerned that my partner is feeling good and taken care of and for myself, i dont care about my penis during sex, so i do agree with her.

she also suggested there may be something physically wrong, which i dont think so as i get morning erections and CAN get it up.... who knows.

it was still a get to know you session, i continued to tell her about a girl i flew to see when i was younger.....told her about my living situation.

we talked about me getting married next summer and she wanted to know how i feel about it, not getting to wear the dress and present feminine. I'm content right now to take things slowly....i told her if i could snap my fingers and make it so, sure id love to wear a wedding dress.....but ive lived my life as male, so i never got to fantasize about being the woman at my wedding....i never thought i would get married really. For me, ive always been a minimalist, live within my means ect....so the wedding itself isnt a  big deal to me.... i feel like we've been married for years now, and the wedding is just ceremonious.

she also wanted to make sure my fiance is ok with everything.....were waiting until about a month or two before our wedding, maybe right around our wedding time, before i start taking hrt....i will be presenting as male for our wedding and after that we will both have moved into uior own place and i can start being more feminine full time.

she also informed me that if we want to have children from my sperm i should look into freezing some sperm before starting hrt which i allready knew

also it turns out she wont be able to wright my letter for hrt, as her lawyer informed her that legally speaking she may not have the backround to be 100% immune to lawsuited should she wright a letter and then the trans commits suicide. which is fine as i was most likly gong to pursue informed consent anyway as i want to get on hrt when im ready, not when im told im ready. so i will continue to see her for my own clarity and benefits but i guess now not with an end goal in mind of her specifically wrighting me a letter.

well see what next session brings =)