Hello there! So this is my first post even though I've lurked for quite some time. A little bit about me, (sorry for the lengthiness):
I'm 24 years old, female gendered but at this moment still male bodied (though I am going to start HRT within the next few months
)
Some of my earliest memories are of my gender incongruence. I remember when I was in elementary school and I started to grow leg hair I instinctually started to shave it, because that's what my mom and other girls did and I was convinced despite what was between my legs that I was going to grow up and at some point become a girl. At this super young age (seven or eight) I used to push my penis up into my abdomen and then pull my underwear up really tight so it would stay there, in the hopes that if I did it long enough it would disappear permanently.
When I was a little older I dressed up as a native American chief for Halloween. I really wanted to dress up as Pocahontas, but by that point male socialization had set in and I knew that would be considered weird or wrong. I still insisted on buying and wearing a long wig because 'chief's had long hair too.' I remember staring at myself in the mirror and wishing that my hair were long like that.
Fast forward about two years. I was a late bloomer, and all of my other male friends were beginning to well... Become men. I was still short, high voiced, and relatively hairless. I saw a documentary around this time about a woman who was born male but always felt like she was a girl. Then it turned out she had an undiagnosed intersex disorder and when she hit puberty she actually began to develop as female. As all the boys around me were starting puberty and becoming men, and I wasn't, I was absolutely convinced and hopeful that this would be the case for me. Of course I wasn't so lucky. I eventually entered male puberty which was awful to say the least as I'm sure most of you know quite well.
It was also around this time I noticed I was developing romantic and sexual feelings towards men. Of course looking back I realize I had schoolyard crushes on male classmates way before it took on any sexual tone, but this was the first time I started to feel that visceral sexual attraction. The issue was (and still is) that my sexual urges developed as female. I wanted to be a woman with a man. My fantasies were always heterosexual (me as a woman with a man) rather than homosexual in nature. It was also around this time I started to cross dress. Often I masturbated while dressed, I would push my penis up into my abdomen and use a neck massager so that it felt like I didn't have one. But eventually I just needed the female clothes for comfort. I would go to sleep in them, even shower in them, to maintain the fantasy of being a girl for as long as possible. I also discovered around this time that changing your sex was possible. I began to think about doing it on and off for quite some time.
Meanwhile, while all of this was going on privately, I had come out as gay to all my friends and family. The reaction was extremely positive and I convinced myself I could just live life happily as a gay man. I tried hard to suppress my desires to be female even while dressing up in private.
Fast forward again to college, I had my first serious boyfriend. He was tall and broad and quite masculine, which I'm sure I was attracted to because it made me feel more feminine while I was with him. At first my dysphoria almost entirely went away when we started dating. Then about 4 months in it came back with a vengeance. Sex was a nightmare every time since the equipment I had didn't feel right. I longed to be able to have sex with him as a woman. I would do mental gymnastics to be able to get off. Needless to say eventually the relationship ended. I had told myself that once it did I would transition. At this point I lived alone, so I ordered a whole bunch of clothes and illegally ordered hormones and began to self-medicate. I took them until my breasts started to bud just a little bit. I was almost euphoric but quickly ran out of hormones and money. After that I once again went through a bout of fierce denial. I started working out like crazy, telling myself that if I got more secure in my body as a man it would diminish my need to transition. Obviously that didn't work.
A couple years later I finally started seeing a therapist. It was very helpful for coming to terms with this as part of my life, though I didn't love the therapist. It was during this period that I also came out to my parents and best friend, all three of whom were very supportive. My mom said she already had an idea because apparently she found my stash of women's clothes when I was a teenager. My best friend also already knew because apparently I left my computer open once with this very site up in the browser. Then my dad, the only one who didn't have an inkling, took it surprisingly well. Anyway, again I didn't really like the therapist but he was the only one I could afford. I stopped seeing him eventually feeling a bit at a loss, and wanting to start HRT ASAP. Now this brings me to my question! I discovered the informed consent thing. I'm looking to set up an appointment to do that at Callen Lorde. Has anyone been there/done informed consent with them? And if so what was your experience like?
-Devri
