Severe body issues

[mowdan6]

I know i might get alot of crap about this, but i am going to put it out there anyway.  I do have the college degrees etc., to get a good job, but being a true transsexual male, yea, this body holds me back.  I was able to save the money for top surgery, but trying to fund bottom surgery continues to elude me.  And anytime I use a male bathroom, is just a reminder for myself of the freak I am.  And i am tired of having therapists saying they don't understand or people in the trans community saying they don't understand, why I am having such a hard time.  I can't help but believe there is another guy out there in the same position.  Having a way to make a life, but has this body that stops you in your tracks.  Is there any guy out there that gets this at all?

[Edge]

Me too except I'm pre-everything. I don't quite understand why, but I feel like my body holds me back.

[tvc15]

I have the same problem. I'm really disgusted by my body and I do feel like it is holding me back. Bottom surgery is a necessity, I don't know when it'll ever be financially viable, but I feel as if I won't be able to live the life I really want until my body is "right."

Top surgery helped. It's changed the way I interact with friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Before, I would try my hardest to blend in and not call attention to myself... I had this underlying fear that someone would try to touch me, whether playfully or not, and get freaked out by my chest. Binding didn't make me feel safe enough even if I "looked" flat. Now, I feel free to roughhouse with friends, touch/hug people more, and I don't have to be quiet and obedient around anyone... it's incredible and wasn't even a conscious decision until I sat down and wondered why I was acting different.

But it's still not enough. I still have a pear shaped body and I really despise it. It hurts to know that I am so intolerant of my own body, but it's just not what it should be. I'm trying my hardest to make it one I want to inhabit. Even without bottom surgery, if I had an undoubtedly male shape I think my life would be so different even if the other circumstances remained the same.

[Arch]

I feel miles better about myself than I did pre-transition, but I still have persistent bottom dysphoria. Whenever I use the bathroom, take a shower, or jack off, I am reminded. Whenever I change my underwear and whenever my packer shifts, I am reminded. My physical shortcomings are on my mind even when these things don't happen, and the dysphoria does affect my ability to function.

I am actually doing pretty well, but I know that I spend a lot of my energy on just coping with the dysphoria--and on some days, I grind to a halt because of it. I hate that and haven't been able to get past it.

I envy guys who don't get (pun) hung up about their bottom parts, but at the same time, I don't understand why they don't. I keep telling myself that it's just my own mind holding me back, but I don't really believe that. If that were true, wouldn't I have been able to keep living as a girl? I feel that I am a transsexual because of my dysphoria (I know that not everyone has this experience)--if I hadn't been bitterly unhappy about the wrongness of my body and my assigned gender, I never would have transitioned in the first place. So it really isn't in my mind, at least, not in that way.

So I don't have full control over my dysphoria, much as I would like to. That definitely holds me back. But it doesn't keep me from making progress; it merely keeps me from making as much progress as I could make if things were different.

[insideontheoutside]

I've struggled with dysphoria my whole life. At one point in time it kind of dawned on me that part of the reason I struggled so bad with it was because parts of my body were different than how they were in my head. Perhaps it's like what an amputee feels after their limb is taking away. They know it SHOULD be there, but it isn't and it never will be there like it should be. When I was a very small child (maybe age 3?) I had this notion that the missing parts would just magically appear one day. I held on to that for quite some time and in the meantime I was compensating. I was stuffing socks down my pants when I was that young. I distinctly remember one day my father catching me doing it and asking what I was doing and I told him I was making up for missing parts. The real slap in the face is that I was born with a fairly sizable junk but it still doesn't hold a candle to a regular, functioning penis. The other thing is that even if I didn't have a personal objection to surgery, bottom surgery would still seem like a bandaid solution in my mind. Sure maybe after $30k or so and a lot of risks and pain I may be able to piss out of my dick but for me that would still be only a fraction of functionality (and size ... even though I'm not a size queen). So I have pretty much given up on ever having anything that's remotely close to what I should have in my mind. What I've been trying to do is find some way to be okay with what I do have. But this has been been like trying to find the holy grail or the fountain of youth. I'm actually looking into some alternative "therapy" type stuff. I used EFT on some phobias I've had and it was pretty amazing. I was about to write it off as total b.s. until I actually went through it with someone trained in using it. After 16 years of not being able to fly on a plane because of a massive phobia, I have no problem with it now. It supposedly works on just about anything, but especially stuff that causes emotions. Dysphoria most definitely causes emotions for me. Right now I'm just trying to get over the fear of actually talking about this with the lady I do the EFT with. It's one of the hardest things for me to talk about with another human being. But if this stuff worked on a massive phobia, I don't see why it wouldn't work on the dysphoria. When I finally get up the nerve to do it, I'll post if it works out.

And note, I'm in no way trying to discourage anyone else from surgery. I'm just looking for anything that will help me come to terms with the body I'm stuck with in this life.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi mowdan,

........ And i am tired of having therapists saying they don't understand or people in the trans community saying they don't understand, why I am having such a hard time.

I might suggest you give these people the widest berth possible. Clearly they have absolutely no idea of what they are talking about. After all, it's not rocket science we are talking about, it's Gender Identity Disorder. It affects people differently, but the bottom line is, it creates varying degrees of discomfort from mild to severe, to all sufferers. If it doesn't, I suggest they are in denial.

Find yourself a new therapist who can help you cope.

Be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Dante]

I understand what you mean completely. I'm pre-everything unfortunately, and I feel like I can't move forward with anything until I fix this. No matter what the topic is, I'm being held back by it.

Examples: I want to publish a novel, but I'm afraid to enter anything in contests or send them to publishers because I'd have to use my birth name and I feel like I would be turned away if they know I'm trans, and there's no way I'm publishing anything under my birth name. I want to learn parkour and some kind of martial art, but I have such strong body dysphoria I can't do any real type of exercise because I can see my chest when I can't position my shirt properly (as you're unable to do when exercising or moving around a lot).

It's really frustrating being held back like this; I feel like my entire life is on hold. And there's not much I can do about it in my situation.

[aleon515]

Well I don't really understand why someone who is trans or a gender therapist wouldn't understand. I mean we know that everyone's dysphoria is different don't we? I agree re: your therapist. I'd switch if they can't get this concept.

I think I have fairly mild lower dysphoria. I just feel it is incomplete and not so much that I hate what I have. Kind of a queazy missing feeling. It sounds like I am just lucky in this regard. Funny thing though, the first time I slept with a packer, I fell asleep just like a baby even though I had rather severe insomnia. In fact, I wouldn't say it too fast but sleeping with a packer has made my insomnia significantly better. So something is going on with that!


--Jay J

[FTMDiaries]

I can empathise. I'm pre-everything and I've got to the stage where I've done absolutely everything I can whilst waiting for medical assistance, but I'm too female-looking to even think of passing. So it holds me back from many things, including simple things like using the men's room (I use the disabled instead as I can't bear the ladies').

I've even had to turn down job interviews because I'd feel pressured to wear women's clothes in order to attend. I don't want to face turning up with my male clothes & binder, but a female name & appearance, and have them react negatively. So a new job will have to wait until I've been on T for some time.

I've struggled with dysphoria my whole life. ... I was stuffing socks down my pants when I was that young.

Same here! I also loved wearing jeans and corduroy pants when I was little, because they would naturally form a satisfying little bulge in the crotch area when I sat down. I still love this today.

[Arch]

I've been luckier than some in the hip department, but even with my not-too-wide hips, my hip-to-waist ratio is still atypical. So I'm constantly frustrated with pants off the rack. If I get the right waist size, I often get that weird pocket flare because my hips still stick out more than most guys' hips. If I get a larger waist size, I get bunching when I cinch in the belt--even when the belt is relatively loose.

As a result, I worry about how I look in front of the classroom. I'm a lot less self-conscious than I was, but I wonder how long it will take my students to read ALL of my reviews on Rate My Professor (some reviews call me "she") and put two and two together--the pronouns, the hips, the hands, my scruffy beard, my height (I'm not that short, but most men are taller than I am). I have to admit that I would feel more manly if I were a couple of inches taller. And my height will not change.

Again, I'm much more comfortable with myself than I was, and I hope that I will eventually just stop thinking about these things. But the bottom dysphoria probably won't go away until I have surgery. And having the wrong bottom anatomy makes me feel lesser than other men. I try not to let that hold me back. Fortunately, one school is the place where I came out (so everyone knows), and the department at the other school is basically run by women. If I'd been hired by a man at the new school, I don't think I would have come across as well because I would have been comparing myself to him and feeling like some kind of Pinocchio. Stupid, but there it is. Anyway, I've been lucky so far.

[Shang]

I'm pre-everything out of necessity; I'm financially dependent on my parents currently and I'd like to be financially stable before coming out let alone transitioning.  However, not transitioning and having no hope of passing (though I know a couple of people who say I can pass just fine as long as my mouth is shut and I'm sitting [I've a funny gait due to partial paralysis]) are having a toll on me.  I'm mentally exhausted and it's partially to blame for why I'm doing so poorly at student-teaching.

Not having the right bits downstairs is a portion of the problem when it comes to how I feel.   I know the bits I should have aren't there and it's disturbing to me.  So is the chest.  And my hips.  I have large hips and a narrow waist so it makes shopping for pants insanely hard and guy pants actually accentuate the problem more than female pants though female pants easily show off the large bum I hate.

Anyway, I've hesitated doing a lot of things because the body is female and I do plan on transitioning.  I don't want to put out stories or even get a degree because of this.  I don't want to enter a relationship, too, even though there's a guy who I like and who knows I'm trans. I just feel like a liar because nothing about me says I'm male and yet I say I'm male.

[Simon]

Ugh, my chest. It keeps me from doing 95% of the things I love.

I have been binding for over a decade now and surprisingly they haven't shrunk, went flabby, or anything else to help with the process of binding. They keep me from wearing clothing I like. I'm stuck in an undershirt with either a polo or button-down shirt over it in the Summer. Can't go swimming, too hot in layers to go running outside, or too uncomfortable to go to the gym (I am having a weight bench delivered this week, yay). The Winter isn't as bad because hoodies are way more comfy and most of the time I can get away with not wearing anything else under one except my binder.

My lower half doesn't bother me that much. I think it's because it's not visible to others. When I go to a public restroom my dysphoria  is off the chain. I don't like STP's (carrying around something that had urine in it is eww to me) so I sit there and sit there until the opportunity arises that I am the only one in there. Then I let it fly...if someone comes in I can shut the flow off quicker than a gunslinger could draw in the old west, lol. I probably look like a prairie dog perched there with my ears open waiting for any signs of a predator walking by.

I dunno...I kinda like my little weenie. I call him "little smokie" (yes, after the cocktail weenies). Then again I try to work with what God gave me and see the humor in life as much as possible.

[Sawdust]

It's been over 10 years and I haven't taken a single shower without swim trunks on. That's just one of the ways I have to cope to get through the day.