Being a Divorce(e)

[Schuyler]

I'm in the process of getting a divorce from my husband. It is one of the most difficult experiences I have encountered, especially because I still love him very much and, every step he takes to move on, like a new GF, it cuts me deeply. It's even harder because until the end of December, I'm still sharing a bed with him. We see each other every day, every night and it makes me think back on a happier time.

I guess I'm having a hard time separating myself from my once-marriage, and it's hurting me more than helping me. I'm just wondering if there is any advice from someone who has been in these shoes. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

[michelle]

Been there, I know its not easy when a marriage ends.  Take care of yourself.   Keep your happy memories.

[Schuyler]

Thank you, Michelle, for those kind words. I hope to remember them when I need to.

[Penny Gurl]

I know EXACTLY what you're going though.  I had to deal with a very similar situation with my wife.  We had to live together even though we had decided to divorce.  Even though every night I had her next to me in "our" bed I had to remind myself that she had long been checked out of the marriage.  Finally everything was too much and I knew for my own mental well being I had to go out on my own and make things work.  I spent several months living out of my camping trailer and then another two months sleeping in my vehicle.  I was unemployed and saw little hope a landing another steady job in my field.  But even though things were hard it gave my hart time to begin to heal.  Now I can't say that I don't love her but the fact is a marriage can not be healthy when only one person is truly dedicated to it.  So from trailer to truck, now currently residing in extended stay hotels and beginning a new day job I look back and realize only one regret... my divorce, much like my transition is something I should have started earlier so I could truly be free to live my life.  Life moves on and so must we, the struggles we go though add to our story and help us realize our true self.  Best wishes.. *hugs* to you.

[Schuyler]

Thanks, Penny Gurl. I understand it's not healthy to dwell in marriage that no longer is worth holding onto, and it's something I have to constantly remind myself. It can be especially difficult when I'm in a similar position as you've been through, no job yet and will be couch surfing till I can get back on my feet. I know I'm looking for an easy answer to end my marriage with some happiness (?) and I know I won't find one.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I have been through three of them and it does not get any easier.  The only thing that helped me was to make a clean break of it.  It isn't easy but it must be done.

Time to think of you, especially if you don't have children.  If you have children, then you need to think of them.  They will know that something is up.

[Schuyler]

Thank you, and no, no children, thankfully. But it's been a long time since I had the opportunity to think about me. I'm not even sure if I know how to place myself first, at least not really. Honestly, I'm feeling kind of lost in all this. From letting him go, connecting with my inner self, and being independent again.

[MadelineB]

I'm sorry you are going through that Schu.

I can tell you that couches can be surprisingly comfortable if you aren't too tall for your couch. I am too emotionally sensitive to sleep next to someone and block out the feelings between us. I sleep much better on a sofa (or even on a pad on the floor).

Sometimes a healthy emotional distance starts with a little distance.

[Adrian_Michael]

I'm sorry you are going through that Schu.

I can tell you that couches can be surprisingly comfortable if you aren't too tall for your couch. I am too emotionally sensitive to sleep next to someone and block out the feelings between us. I sleep much better on a sofa (or even on a pad on the floor).

Sometimes a healthy emotional distance starts with a little distance.

^^^^^^
This!

I am separating/divorcing my husband because he cannot handle my trans* status. I almost immediately moved into the guest room/baby room. Notice the term "almost"...

We have a small toddler. It is much more complicated with that.

But it gotten easier now that we are not in the same room.

Even the baby is adjusting.

[Jenny07]

I was married for a while, but things never worked that well and she got pregnant so I left her. Yes it hurt alot at the time and it took a while to get over it. She turned out to be white trash that I was glad to be rid of and lucky to escape when I did.
She tried to set me up one night but I didn't fall for it so she ended up lying about almost everything she did to cover up her actions.
Yes, she got herself pregnant to another man and tried to pin it on me. Nasty piece of work.

I still feel pain over it now, but glad to be out of it, so while it might hurt now it will get better and allow you to move on for better things.

Love J

[justmeinoz]

My wife and I separated a few years before I started Transition, but it took going Full-Time to nudge me into actually getting a divorce.  Before then I went through denial, anger, fear of the future, and all the other stages of grief as if I was mourning someone's death.   
You will go through them too, but it does pass, and you will be able to love again.  Letting your friends know how you feel and just having them close will help.  It's tough but you will get through it.  Feel free to have a rant here too.

Karen.

[FTMDiaries]

I'm in the same situation, but with two High School kids and a 15-year marriage going down the drain. It sucks, no question.

Hang in there - we'll get through this.

[Schuyler]

MadelineB, thank you. I'm quite short (5'2") so couches shouldn't be an issue, and as for emotionally sensitive, I can relate...it's just, well, I feel like if I sleep upstairs (if I make a big deal), that'll it will be a big deal or perhaps I'll be judged as being immature to handle the issue at hand. I keep reminding myself distance is coming, just a little bit longer. At the end of Decemeber, I'll have my peace. Whether that's true or not, I'm not entirely sure. I'll think on the couch thing. Maybe I would be better with the seperation.

Adrian_Michael, I'm sorry that he couldn't accept you for you. My husband is the same way; he doesn't understand. And I'm not sure what I'd do if we had kids. I have step-children, but it's not the same exactly; they're a little older and never been biologically mine.

I'm glad things are working out for you. It gives me hope.

Jenny, wow. That's horrible how far things went, but I'm happy you're in a better place. And thank you. Guess I should try and work on those better things, uh?

Karen, I'm stuck in stage one, denial. My head, my source of all my logic, reminds me that I've lost someone I once knew, or felt I knew, but my heart -- no matter how difficult he is or sees he's moved on -- I still love him. Unrequited love never works out, though, does it? I think anger might be a little easier to deal with, but I'm not...it just ended so casually that there really wasn't any closure, and I'm not sure how to get that back. Thank you for your words and the invitation to rant. I might, one day, take you up on the offer.

FTMDairies, I have six years on my tally. I can only imagine how much difficult it must be with kids. Thank you for the encouraging words. I have no doubt it'll make us stronger in the end.

Thanks again, everyone, for the wonderful support. I still feel unsure of what's next, but I'm now a little warmer thanks to your replies.

[Brooke777]

I am still legally married to my son's mother. Luckily, we no longer share a bed because that was so uncomfortable. We will get divorced once she can support herself. In other words, I can feel your pain. Being stuck in a marriage that has ended stinks. It is very difficult to see your former spouse every day. I look forward to when that will no longer be the case.