I guess I will give a long inro about me

[miya5]

First I am Miya and I will tell you some background about me and then just then thoughts in general.
I believe that I am a Transgendered woman in a man's body who can do nothing. When a was a teenager all I wanted was to feel right about who I was. Now I know that is a typical teen, but I was unhappy about the way my body felt and looked. I used to fantasize about finding a ring that would change my body into a girl's body for as long as I wanted. I wanted to be able to change back for my family. I always felt it was better to be a girl. Boy's cloths are sooo boring and girls seem to be able to get what they want. Females will always have the power. I had more female friends the male friends. I just don't understand males. I also don't understand females much either. Girls just did not want to go out with me. I thought maybe that I might be gay, but I am just too into girls. Hell males do absolutely nothing for me. So I have a double whammy by being a male to female Trans that is also a lesbian. At that time I looked into sex changes and found it to be WAY out of my reach. That just left me with having to make it work as a boy. After time the feelings seemed to disappear. I went on a family trip, and found myself looking for girl's tights and panties to buy when I was able to shop by myself. I loved the way tights and stockings felt on my body. When we got back it subsided again. I was so convinced that I was to live and die alone. I plotted out a plan to kill myself. I just didn't have what it takes to go through with it. About a few months later a friend set me up on a date and found that girls did like me and want to have sex with me. It only took till I was 19. For years after that and relationship issues with some growth I would rarely revisit my female side. It never really went away. I even got married and had a family. I married someone who I felt loved me. Don't get me wrong I love her very much. I was always looking to spice things up with her. Which ended up making her feel like, she was just not enough sexually. All that did was reduce the frequency we had sex over the years a lot. Now I am in my forties and we make love maybe monthly. She says that she has a sex drive and desires me, but I don't feel it. I spend time looking for solutions but just end up lost. Then one day I see a show about transgendered people. I could really sympathize with how they felt about themselves. I started to think about how I felt. There is not much about being male that I like. I have a lot of trouble referring to myself as a man. I am uncomfortable around males.  I just don't get the whole macho thing. Hell every time a see a girl in a dress I get jealous. I even got some books about other transgendered people to see what it is like for them. I found out that I could fairly easily start transitioning to a female body. I do not hate me genitals just feel nothing towards it. I want a vagina. So after a lot of soul searching a told my wife and she freaked. I told her I will always love her and want her. I said that on the inside I feel like a female. All she could say was she is not attracted to females. I was crushed. After so many years of marriage I thought she loved who I was and not the visual of a male body. So in a panic I did all I could do to convince her I would not do anything to change my body.
So now I am trapped in a body I do not want.
I have faith in a God. I just feel that God has a unique way of things. Life is very hard for most people, let alone a transgendered person.
I have been wearing women's panties for a year or so, and my wife says nothing. I started shaving my armpits about a month after telling her. I decided I was going to do what feels right that is not permanent. If she decides she does like something I will stop. I also shave my legs and arms for about 3 months. She has yet to respond.  At this point I am just trying to find a point that brings a little balance to me. Oh and I when I need new clothing I get what I can in the women's department. So far socks, panties, and pants. I don't know what other items I can get that will be seen that do not present as women's clothing only. I know that I will never be a hot t-girl. I am not some fat guy that is looking for change. I am only a little over weight 5'7" 180. My thoughts seem to go all over the place. I even went to a therapist who dealt with sexuality issues, and took my wife. We each had separate sessions. Money got tight so I ended mine so she can talk to the therapist. After a few months I got laid-off so we had to end her sessions.
I am very open to comments and suggestions as well as advice.
Sorry this is long, came from my blog I just started.
Miya

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Miya,

Welcome to our little family. Over 9051 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Janet 

[miya5]

Thanks for the warm greeting. I hope to get some direct comments about my post. I am some what lost and alone in my endevors.

Luv,
Miya

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Miya,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

As you have experienced some aspects of ->-bleeped-<- and have had the opportunity to start discussing your needs/desires, I feel the next most effective move for you would be somehow return to therapy. This way you will be dealing with a professional on a one-to-one basis,in the privacy of his rooms.

Although we are here for you, as you are now a member of our family, by choice, we lack that privacy in which so much personal and necessary private detail must be transacted in order for you to move forward in a balanced and mature way.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Devlyn]

Hi Miya, welcome from Boston! Glad you found the site. You'll find a lot of people here with similar experiences. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

[Jamie D]

Hello Miya.  Hope you get back on your feet soon with a job that provides some benefits.

The therapy, especially that which addresses gender issues that nvolve a relationship, could be very beneficial.

Welcome from southern California.

[Epoch]

I want to say the following. First, welcome.

I understand that being a male sucks because there is not much out there great in fashion. Or so it seems. After much searching, I have found there is some good fashion for men, but it is hard to find in comparison to the more eccentric and interesting outfits that exist for woman. Out front, there is only T shirts and jeans. But I don't feel disliking men's clothes is reason to not want to be a man, but that was your youthful thought, so perhaps it is irrelevant.

I also feel that you seem more strongly to not want to be a man, rather than your desire to be a female. I firmly believe, while being male, you can be something else, but you don't have to be female. People are often taken aback by the idea of trans anything-ism. But, at least in my experience, people seem comfortable with the notion that I don't associate with male, but I don't closely associate with female either. If you really do feel that you want to be a female, that is fine, but if you only wish to be a female given only two definite options of male or female, knowing you do not want to be male, than I feel you should also consider other options. You can be whatever you want to be, and you should not limit what you are to the words of the time.

Good luck.
~Epoe

[miya5]

Update:
I am back to work now. At 3 months on the job I asked HR about the worrisome question; do you have a transgender policy? They called me in to discuss it. Long story short they are completely new to this and want me to lead the way.
I just had my HRT apt and they asked my what I would like to take and the speed I wanted to progress.
So in all things are going okay.
Marriage is still in limbo. I am letting her know what is going on in letters to prevent fights.


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[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's.

You took a big step when you discussed it with HR, congratulations.