Today, I had my appointment with the endo. I was expecting my estradiol dose to go way up, because I wasn't getting much if any effect from it. That's not what happened.
In June, I had an appointment. He heard that I wasn't getting much if any effect, so he was going to increase my Estrace dose from x to 1.5x, x being a relatively low dose. But I asked him if I could try Estrogel, because it had a 24-hour gradual, constant release, which would eliminate the "downs" I used to get just before taking my evening pill.
He gave me dose x of Estrogel. Dose x, according to my psychiatrist, is more or less the equivalent of what I used to take with Estrace. It also corresponds to what they generally prescribe to older women to cure their menopause symptoms. Mind you, with such women, according to the endo, they generally aim for 200-300-pmol/L blood levels of estradiol, however low they can make it to cure the symptoms and prevent eventual complications (thrombosis mainly).
So. In August, I went to do some blood tests before my appointment, which was supposed to be in September. The appointment was postponed to November 26th. I went there today.
Well, my August blood tests show estradiol at over 1000 pmol/L, towards the high end of the acceptable spectrum in women. How the heck did this happen? I'm not exactly large, but I'm far from a dwarf either. The dose that gives 200-300 pmol/L to old ladies gives me 1000? Why?
He prescribed me some other blood tests to confirm those results. If they say that indeed my estradiol rate is very high, he'll lower my dose by half (and 0.5x is a very, very low dose, mind you!). And that will mean that while my blood absorbs estradiol remarkably well, I am exceptionally not receptive to it. He says that if the next blood test agrees with the last one, there's literally no hope for me. That there'll be nothing else to do than wait and pray. That I just don't have enough receptors on my cells.
The only thing he found to reassure me was that "later in my process, I will be eligible to a breast augmentation". Like I can afford it! Like I'm fond of the idea! Like I don't have electrolysis, tracheal shave, a wardrobe, and eventually FFS to pay for, that I don't even have the money for!
Anyway, uhm, apart from an accidental x10 to the value, or some other lab error, which I very much wish for, what can explain the current situation? If I often put my Estrogel on my arms, and that's also where the blood is drawn, can it be that there's a huge concentration of the product in my arms? I have a little bit of anemia. Could it literally block all development?
Right now, I'm terribly despaired. I don't have "disappointing" development. I don't have "slow" development. I could deal with that. I have "nonexistent" development. I've never had any illusions regarding the effects of HRT. Yet I was expecting something, at least. Not large ones, but something I could call breasts, for instance. But nothing, that's hard to take. And I'm 21, for heaven's sake. It would even have been somewhat realistic to hope to look 100 % female after a while of HRT.
Normally, at 9 months where I am, you're supposed to be seriously starting to think of getting a bra.
My nipples started to be sensitive and painful upon pressure/hit around one month of HRT. Nothing changed since.
Well, if you're naturally skinny to begin with, it's sort of normal not to have much in terms of breasts. But I'm relatively heavily built for my height, and my mother and sister have above average breasts, just like all of my father's sisters. And even those skinny people, they might get very small breasts, but they're breasts, right? There has been absolutely no change to mine. My chest is still very much the chest I had a while ago, minus a little muscle maybe. And perhaps slightly larger areolas and more flat, more flabby nipples. But still, this is very much a man's chest. No doubt.
Putting aside anti-androgen effects(body hair, hairline, muscle mass, acne, libido, etc.), the only effect I've had so far is slightly enlarged hips, which is probably the bones, since I've been losing weight the whole time (so fat redistribution sounds a bit unlikely). This is an effect I'm not even supposed to get, yet I didn't get any of the common effects at all. Oh, and some say my face changed, but I can hardly say this is anything but a lot of weight loss.
That's all. My chest didn't change short of the fact that we can now see my ribs a little around the sternum, due to fat and muscle loss.
I don't really know what I'm asking for. Some hope? An explanation? Anything to bring me out of my misery, even if just a little?
PS: I'm not anorexic or anything. I just went from overweight~obese to a healthy weight. I even have a good amount of flab at the waist and belly. 165 cm = 5'5" and 133 lbs. The endo looked at all of my blood work (and my general practitioner had a lot of that done, checking my anemia), and saw only a few "slightly below average" values. Not even anything to worry about. I take a multivitamin and even though I'm not succeeding very much, I'm trying to eat well. So I don't think my body is trying to develop but it's lacking the food required to do so.
