Am I Transgender?

[sbelle]

Hi everyone,

As the title suggests, I've been questioning this as of late. I'd say that I've seriously been considering the fact that I could have gender dysphoria for about 2 months now. First, a little background:

I am a biological male, heterosexual, 23 years old, and in the military. I've been with the same woman for 5 years, been married for about 2. When I was younger, I grew up in a nice house and had supporting parents who never abused me in any way. I left home when I was 18, like most 18 year olds do (or at least want to). Overall, my life has been safe and sound, but I've never been truly happy. Recently, I've noticed that I act a certain way when I'm at work, but behave entirely different at home. I tend to be more energetic and amicable when I am away from home, but I know it is all a facade. When I get home, my attitude and outlook on life changes completely. I've been miserable, without feeling as though I've a legitimate reason, for so long that I am finally ready to zero-in on the major issues causing me to be depressed. And yes, my feeling do negatively affect my marriage. Finding answers so that I can alleviate the stress in myself, and my marriage, is why I am here today.

It seems like a big jump to consider that I'm transgender just from the information that I've provided. Honestly, If I was reading it for the first time, and knew nothing else about the person in question, being transgender would be on the bottom of the list of possible reasons. However, I think that there is a level of tension within me that does pertain to gender.

Most of my friends are indeed male, but I have very few who I talk to and socialize with outside of work. I've always kept very few male friends because, frankly, the things that most men do and how most men behave bothers me. A typical conversation among a large group of guys usually consists of a few things: cars, sports, sex & women. The first 2 things listed are not my interests, the third is an area where I've lost interest in it. I've always felt different about the last two things on my list, sex and women. I don't like to openly talk about them, or brag about anything related to those topics, but that seems to be what men want to talk about when other men are around. It's degrading for me to hear women being talked about in the way that has just become common practice.I also don't like the aggressive behavior. Now for the personal bit:

When I was in my early teenage years, probably 13 or 14, I began to experiment with crossdressing. I wasn't sure why I started, but it was something that I wanted to experience. I did not wear women's clothing out in public, but instead would do it at home when my parents were away. In those days, I would wear women's underwear during my alone time. I didn't do it entirely for sexual pleasure, but I did feel as if the underwear was more comfortable and looked better. When I was 16 or so, I got back into doing the same thing. I would wear women's underwear underneath my clothes at home. At this point, it was more sexually stimulating than at 13 or 14, but I didn't always masturbate when wearing the underwear. Again, it just felt and looked better to me. I also "knew" that something was wrong with me. I "knew" this contradicted what men do, that it wasn't naturally for a man to wear women's underwear. Keeping these things hidden caused a lot of inner turmoil and mental frustration / disappointment. Fast forward a few years, to probably 21, and my wants to wear women's underwear grew even more. I talked to my wife about it, and she was fine with me wearing women's panties. What I thought was great was her saying they looked better on me than the "burlap sacks for underwear" that I wore. So feeling extreme relief from that, and now having permission to do so without hiding it, I began to wear women's panties 24 / 7.

I joined the military not too long ago, and when my time for boot camp came, me wearing women's underwear had to stop. After basic training, and once I settled into a house, I began to wear women's panties again (and was quite relieved again). But then a new stress developed. I was constantly worried about other men seeing me wear women's underwear. No matter how I felt, it would be considered wrong, gay, unmanly to do so. So not wanting to risk it, I stopped wearing panties during the week and now do it once or twice a week on the weekends. Seemingly unrelated to all of this, I started feeling extreme depression about 2 months ago.

Something that I forgot to mention: I've never....NEVER been satisfied with the way I look. By today's standards, I look like a normal male. I don't have the broadest shoulders or the strongest legs, but I'm not deformed in any way. My wife tells me that I look fine and she thinks that the way I am is great. Unfortunately, I can't accept that. I also remember growing up how I would think about and even have dreams of becoming a woman. I never thought much about them, but I believe they were happening for a reason.

Currently, I don't dress as a woman at any time, I just live my life as a male. I've changed a few things about myself, such as beginning to shave my legs and paying attention to my eye brows now. I know many men do these things for their own reasons, but my reasons are because it feels right and it helps soften my image.

I have end it here for now, but as a closing note, I'd like to add that given the opportunity today, I would much rather be a woman; I feel that I relate more to women than men. I want to begin the changes and experience life as a woman now, but I know that I can't at this time. If anyone has any questions, advice for me, or insight, I'd really appreciate hearing it. And I apologize if things are not in a coherent flow, I just have so many thoughts going through my mind now that it is difficult sometimes to narrow down what I want to say/type. Thanks.

[sam79]

Hi Sbelle!

A couple of quick notes... I think you're approaching this the right way, trying to logically work out where you fit in the larger gender related scheme of things. It's never easy for any of us, but there is an answer . Also, try to find some comfort in the fact that you're dealing with this now ( 23 is still fairly young  ), and not years down the track like so many others including myself.

Otherwise, the description of your upbringing with respects to cross-dressing is fairly common in many of the stories I've read. We each try to "feed the beast" in our own way before coming to terms with what that beast actually is, or the person we actually are. In my case, I didn't consciously realise or understand why I felt the need to CD or be femme until the age of 25, and I'd been doing it on and off for 20 years at that point. Now finally at 33 I'm doing something about it, and regret not dealing with it earlier.

Keep your chin up ( and brows groomed ) 

Best suggestion I can make is to find yourself a psychologist or therapist who specialises in gender issues, and have a chat with them. And read through the forums... you may find thoughts or stories that can clarify your own thought.

[Kaelin]

Concerning wearing "women's clothes," that does not determine your gender, although if your definition of transgender is very broad (and we at Susan's have a pretty broad definition), then you would qualify as transgender due to your expression not neatly conforming to social norms.  This does not necessarily make you a transsexual (although that's still a possibility, but you do seem as if you were comfortable with your male bits at some point of your life).  You might simply be a man with a more blended/androgynous/feminine nature.  Or you could be a third gender or genderless.

In terms of not liking the idea of women being mistreated, that probably makes you more of either a chivalrous person or a feminist (a feminist being a person, not necessarily a woman, who feels people are entitled to the same rights regardless of gender).  You hate the rugged, macho male stereotype, and this is a healthy reaction to have, whether you are male or female (or other) deep down.  You want to run away from that ideal at full speed, and you might be wondering if that makes you a woman, and your dreams may be tied to this.  You might be one, but having these thoughts doesn't force you to be one.  It is perfectly possible for you to be a man who has some sort of moral integrity, wears women's clothes (at least when you can do so relatively safely), and tends to want to talk to women more.  Society tends to freak out when men wear things like dresses (outside of costume/drag) in violation of social norms, but clothes are still clothes -- you may simply be drawn to the clothes that offer a more attractive aesthetic and/or feel.

You don't need to rush to an answer, but perhaps the thing you want to do is expand your idea of what is possible.  There are more than two genders you can identify with, and even men can have expressions and tendencies that go outside social norms but are still perfectly healthy possibilities (and in some cases might be healthier).  Whatever rules you have heard or seen before, it's time to throw them out and rebuild from scratch -- or at least compartmentalize your life so you can separate the rules that society has from what you believe to be true about people.  If you can do this, then I think you'll find an answer for who you are in time, although it will be a hell of a journey.

Also, kudos to your wife to being cool with you wearing panties.

-Kaelin (born male; pretty sure he's male; wears dresses to church on Sundays; shaves the body; talks with men, women, and children; watches sports mostly within reason; plays video games spanning surreal first-person shooters to kind-of-girly JRPGs)

[sbelle]

Let me first say thank-you both for responding so quickly. I wasn't expecting responses so fast 

Sam79:
I have to say that there was definitely some urge or desire that I needed to appease. Of course when I was a teenager, I didn't understand it fully, all I knew was that wearing women's underwear felt more right than wrong. It's only now within the last 2 years or so of being open to my wife about wearing panties, and then being denied the opportunity to do so because of fear.

Throwing out rules seems like a place to start, but that may become very complicated. My professional life and corresponding rules have too much influence on my personal life. I'm sure you've both heard of the repeal of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy for the military. While that does allow gays and lesbians to openly serve in the military, it does not allow transgenders or anyone diagnosed with GID to openly serve. Furthermore (and according to the documents I've read), GID is considered to be a mental illness, much like how homosexuality was classified before the repeal of DADT. I considered going to a psychologist or therapist specializing in this particular field, but I seriously doubt the military provides any sort of support for it. If a soldier is diagnosed with a mental disease (which is what GID is classified in the military), the therapist has to report it to that soldier's chain of command.

And therein lies a great turmoil for me. I want to go talk to a professional about this, but I am restricted from doing so. Of course, I could go through a private therapist and pay out of pocket, and run the risk of it coming to light, where I can then be charged with an article under the UCMJ.

[sam79]

Talk about tough... I can partially understand the turmoil. I don't know how expensive it is for you, but in AUS, my sessions are ~$220 a pop ( with more than half rebated by our Medicare system ). Even without rebate ( and I wasn't expecting any ), that's a small price to pay for me. And it's kinda required if I wish to do any sort of transitioning.

I'm curious though... And please forgive me, I don't know a great deal about the US legal system. How could any legal action be brought against you for any information on private confidential therapist sessions where you pose no risk to yourself or others? You'd have the legal ability to deny everything wouldn't you? Outside of the military, I've never seen anything to suggest GID is considered an illness.

[RedFox]

sbelle, welcome from a fellow service member.

Sam79, the US military has it's own rules that are above and beyond the civilian legal system.  While we still retain rights as US citizens we have fewer overall than the average person on the street.  Sbelle is correct in that a military therapist of any sort can and probably would report a diagnosis of GID to your chain of command.  Not always, it depends on the therapist, but there is no protection there.  And yes, the regulations are currently based on the DSM-IV and state the GID is a mental illness and that transsexuals (amongst others that fall under gender/sexual disorders) are not allowed to serve in the military.  What's worse is that if your diagnosed while serving they will discharge you honorably but your paperwork would clearly state for mental illness.

But there's hope on he horizon.  the DSM-V is due to be released in May of 2013 and my understanding is that GID is no longer classified as a mental illness in that release.  What remains to be seen is if/when the US military will update their regulation to reflect this change.

I'm currently a reserve officer on an active duty deployment in the middle east.  As soon as I get home I'm transferring to the IRR with the hope that I can someday continue my service once the military recognizes that I'm not mentally ill.

Sbelle, as for you being a transgender - only you can determine that.  But the best way to get that answer is to talk to a qualified and experienced therapist that can help you find the right answer.  Since I'm in the same boat as you and went through a similar struggle just recently, i found a therapist that I could speak with via skpe.  It actually helped quite a bit.  She wasn't a gender therapist or a psychologist, but her insights and questions did help a lot.  As well as having someone that was accepting of what I said without prejudgements from having known me (as any friend or family would have).

best of luck - if you ever need to talk to another service member - just PM me.  I was an active duty enlisted soldier for a number of years before I went reserves and commissioned, so I can probably relate to much of what you deal with.

[Cindy]

Hi sbelle,

Welcome and thank you for your service. Even as an Aussie I appreciate your support for your country.

Well what we always say - see a therapist.

Ok cross dressing and being TG are not the same. With TG there tends to be a relentless desire to live as your gender. It can be ignored and many of us do, going into very male jobs and hobbies are very common. The 'hope to be cured' by a macho job etc. It doesn't work. Of course being TG has little or anything to do with sexual preference. Many MtF prefer lesbian relationships and many FtM like Gay relationships (just to use common definitions). I have to admit I'm attracted to men, and this has intensified since I've gone through hormone and living as me.  I like female company for friendships and certainly don't like the male friendships, never did and thank goddess I'm totally ignored by guys in that respect. Just realised that BTW.

But there are consequences and they need thinking through. I'm not involved in the military at all but I'm pretty sure your chances of transitioning as a serving army person are slim. I'm not sure how long you are serving BTW.

Your chances of your marriage surviving is sadly small. But is does happen. Your chances that these feeling will go away are also small. They tend to get more insistent with time. That you are approaching here probably tells you that.

It is a drive in your psyche wanting to seek answers that drove you here and talking with people who are TG, and who have had successful and happy transitions and live very happily as their true gender, in unlikely to put you off.

Indeed it is more likely to prey on your mind that Cindy is a successful professional, who lived as a male for a very long time; who changed her sex and had no problems with work or family, and is deliriously happy and after many many years is being weaned off the anti-depressants, that stopped her committing suicide. Is a lucky woman and maybe you can be like her.

It isn't that easy.

There are no magic wands. There is no lets just do it. There is family, career, money, home, kids, family, friends, all of whom have to be thought about.

There is the other side. I live 24/7 365 as female. I wear clothes I want to wear. I do my hair I do my make up I shop I'm a very normal woman. It doesn't give me any sexual thrill to do any of that. Yes I like to look nice, and yes shopping is great fun, it was before I was FT.  I'm treated as a normal woman. Woman treat each other totally different than men treat woman. Living as a woman has its good and its bad. The bad isn't always known to a woman unless you have lived as a man.

But there is no fantasy of 'being a woman' I am one.

Society is different for men and woman.

All of this is obvious, but there is also no going back. I can't go back and pretend to be a guy (even if I wanted to).

I'm sterile. I do not produce sperm. I never will be able to do so. I cannot have an erection. Some TG woman can, I can't, I was pretty poor at it before hormones but luckily it disappeared completely shortly after being on them. What does that mean? I can never have penile penetrative sex with a person, yes they can have it with me (hopefully).

Sorry for a long post. I would not give up for a second what I have achieved. But it is a big step.

At the beginning I said - see a therapist.

Why?  They don't convince you of anything. They let you guide yourself.

I hope that is of some help and please feel free to ask anything you wish

Cindy

[Kupcake]

Yeah.  My posts are usually pretty (too) long.  But I'll defer here to the greater expertise of others.  Just want to reiterate a few points, though:

The military does have some great psychologists and psychiatrists within its ranks.  But make no mistake, they are first beholden to their duties and only afterward to you.  By no means do you have the kind of expectation of privacy you would have if you went to a civilian practitioner.  I would hold back on sharing something which could potentially damage your career in the short term.  In fact, I wouldn't bring up the gender issue at all.

Unless it's a real psychiatric emergency, in which case seeing them is certainly better than nothing.

That said, see somebody.  Find a civilian, preferably one who with gender therapy experience who is willing to have some schedule flexibility to account for the demands of your occupation.  You don't want this to keep eating at you, and it's very unlikely to go away by itself.  Even if you find the thoughts fading for a short period, they're probably coming back.  I think talking with a professional will help.  Even if you don't understand everything immediately, having the knowledge that you're actually dealing with yourself instead of hiding the stuff inside you will help a lot, I think.

Anyway, good luck.  I've got some confusion myself.  I know it's a weird state to be in.

[Emily Aster]

Definitely seek a therapist and/or support group in your area. Both can help you determine where you fall, but it will ultimately be you who makes that determination. Support groups can help you accept yourself, but they don't tend to be critical when you need it, so I think both are actually needed. One thing that's nice about support groups that are near military bases is that it's fairly common to have members that have already gone through what you are. The one I tried actually had a retired officer working as a civilian contractor on base, and going through an on the job transition. You can't buy that kind of support information.

I followed a similar path, including the military, but without the marriage. I know military wages make it tough, but at least where I was stationed, there were some GID therapists that would tweak their rates for military. Don't talk about it on base, even to a priest. Don't use your military benefits either. You don't want this on your record. And don't think you'll fool them with a story of only depression. I was diagnosed with GID by the on base therapist without my saying a word about it, pushed out of the military for my own safety, and now have a DD214 that says "Personality Disorder", honorable discharge, reentry code of "not a chance in hell".

[RedFox]

One other thing to note that occurred to me reading through this thread.  While many psychological issues will earn you a va disability when you get discharged - GID is not one of those.  They will discharge you quickly for this and say you have a problem, but they wash their hands of you and you get nothing in the way of compensation.  - just an fyi.  (this is what my understanding is currently based on the regulations as they read now.)  Perhaps Karen can add something to that as she was discharged under this rule.

[Emily Aster]

One other thing to note that occurred to me reading through this thread.  While many psychological issues will earn you a va disability when you get discharged - GID is not one of those.  They will discharge you quickly for this and say you have a problem, but they wash their hands of you and you get nothing in the way of compensation.  - just an fyi.  (this is what my understanding is currently based on the regulations as they read now.)  Perhaps Karen can add something to that as she was discharged under this rule.

Not entirely. I was pushed out very quickly. I want to say it took them a total of 3 weeks from diagnosis to hopping on the bus. I did still get my separation pay for outstanding leave and did not have an option to take terminal leave. I was outed only to those that needed to know and told to keep my mouth shut to everybody else about why I was getting out. They seemed to try to sabotage that because everybody knew I was leaving and nobody knew why, so they constantly asked me why.  This was 12 years ago. Times may have changed since then.

I still get my VA benefits. The GI Bill was still waiting for me and my house is under a VA backed loan. I even work as a civilian contractor to the same service I got kicked out of now. It did not prevent me from holding my existing clearance or from obtaining a new one. It DID prevent me from ever joining the National Guard or Reserves (yes I did try). It indirectly prevented me from joining organizations like the VFW. They require the DD214 and frankly I'd just assume not let the area I live in know more about my discharge than simply "medical". I've never had to provide my DD214 for a job, even when the job required a DoD clearance.

So it's really not as bad as I made it sound unless you're trying to stay in the military. Most of the pain is from having to hand those discharge papers over to someone and wondering if they'll think badly of you when they see the reason. That and having to lie to your friends and family about why you were discharged (if you're not out yet).

[RedFox]

Sorry Karen, I meant to say that you wouldn't get va disability for the "mental disability" as others would for other types of "mental" problems that warrant a discharge.  I had assumed that all other va benefits would still apply - thanks for confirming that.

Personally, I'm hoping to stay in the IRR long enough that they'll change the rules and I can go back into the active reserves after transitioning.  I just have to ensure I don't get diagnosed and discharged before that happens.  I don't show any of my past DD214s very often, but I'd hate to have to hide it because of the "mental" part.

[Emily Aster]

Ahh. You are correct on the disability. I ended up with 0% disability.

[Kevin Peña]

Consider my attention span tested. Geez, these posts were long. 

Anywho, sbelle, I would suggest that you see a therapist too, but note that cross dressing isn't the same as being a transsexual: not by a long shot. It may "not be natural" to wear panties if you're a guy, but if it makes you feel better, wearing underwear at all is unnatural.

If you want to determine if you're trans, ask yourself one question: can I live a normal, happy, healthy life as a male? If the answer is no, you're trans; if the answer is yes, you're not.

It doesn't sound like your problem is with being a male, so much as associating with them. Just my $0.02.

[aleon515]

Hi, I don't have any attention span to speak of on the net. So I have to admit I didn't read a lot of your post. I don't know much about the military system. Military law is doesn't have all the protections of civilian law. But there are people who were in the military who can let you know about this.

You may or may not be a transsexual (I don't really like the term though it probably applies to me), but it means that you are going to do whatever to match your outsides to your inside gender. There are plenty of people who are short of this and still would be considered transgender. Crossdressers are often considered transgender, as they are breaking the gender rules and often don't feel entirely comfortable with their birth sex.

--Jay