Coming out about sexuality before transition

[Aleah]

I'm not sure if anyone else has went through this specific situation, but I have not come out to my parents about being bisexual and wanting to date guys, I've considered coming out about this before I even considered transition but back then even that alone was terrifying.

I'm just wondering what everyone thinks, should I come out about this before I come out about being trans?

I feel, for my conservative family, it would be like a double blow if I came out about it all. And this might be the easier one to accept at first.

HRT is starting in a month or two, so it's at least 8-9 months before I have to come out about being trans (might be even longer). Maybe if they got used to my sexuality over that time and got rid of all the notions they had desired for my life, it might be easier and I guess make more sense when I finally tell them about transition.

There are 2 cons as far as I can see;

1) That I don't want them to confuse the two, but I guess whichever way I do it, I'm going to have to explain that they have nothing to do with each other.
2) Coming out twice might be harder than coming out once, but I've heard a lot of cases where it gets easier once you've already "faced the music" once. (I've already had 1 close friend be supportive and it definitely helped.)

Also it feels like a good way to test them, if they can't see past "being gay" and that is enough to get my family to turn away from me, I can expect them to not be supportive of my transition and just send them a letter and have nothing to do with them (worst case scenario).

Thanks for any advice!

[HeatherR]

would you rather get told something devastating once, then later one even more devastating?  or would you rather know everything at once so you can digest it all at once?   Personally, I'd rather get it all over with the first time...   I think of it like this, doctor comes into the room and says you have melanoma... it is treatable and the prognosis looks good.   Oh, yes, and you also have cirrhosis of the liver and are terminal, I'm sorry.

bad news is bad news, they are going to have to deal with it either way, but at least getting it all out there gives them a chance to hear it, processes it, and think about it all without getting slammed again a few hours, days, weeks, or months later with equally if not worse news.



This is based off the assumption you don't feel they will take it very well.  Just my thoughts hon.  Best of luck to you.


Oh, and maybe I'm a little confused, but do you consider yourself female? and if so, do you consider yourself gay as in lesbian? or hetero as in attracted to men? 

[Kadri]

Hmmm.... This is interesting because I felt bi for years before I worked out the trans thing. I finally admitted it one evening in front of my mother and brother, because I was surprised that he had never fantasised about sex with men, and I often did.

I would say that the sexuality thing doesn't even really matter for others to know. It's something you don't have to disclose if you don't want to until much later. It's impossible to keep transition a secret, but it's not so difficult to keep who you are attracted to a secret.

Also, I think it often happens that one's sexual orientation alters during transition. You may or may not end up same-sex attracted. I was kind of surprised that I still liked women as much as I did.

I've never had to deal with conservative relations, so can't really offer any suggestions on how their minds might work, but I suppose they might confuse being trans with being gay, or eventually ask you whether you like men or women. You could always tell them you don't know.

[Aleah]

Oh, and maybe I'm a little confused, but do you consider yourself female? and if so, do you consider yourself gay as in lesbian? or hetero as in attracted to men?

Thanks for the response!

I consider myself hetero as in attracted to men, and as Kadri pointed out, sexuality was never static for me, when I was younger it was different but now it's definitely 90/10 (being attracted to men way more then women). And it's getting to the point where I have almost no interest in women which is due to finally accepting myself I guess.

The problem I have is that same-sex relationships are big deal in my culture and religion (in a lot of those parts of the world it's still punishable by death and imprisonment),  which is correct Heather, they will not take it well either way.

You are right Kadri, I guess I just don't see them understanding that I see myself as hetero. I think they will never accept it from that point of view and will always base it upon biological gender and their eyes I will "be gay" and a sinner.

The only reason I consider it is because it WILL definitely come up as a focal point of discussion when I come out about being trans, I know that for sure. It will probably be the first thing that pops into their mind. And if I want them to accept me fully, they will need to know since it's hard to hide a relationship if it becomes serious (at least in my family but that's if they are accepting fully and don't keep me at arms length).

Kadri, just one question if you don't mind, your experience seems to be very similar to mine. Since you admitted to being bi first, did it come up at all when you came out about being trans or did they just conclude you were a hetero girl then?

[Kadri]

I think they assumed I was a hetero girl, and I did too for a while. It wasn't until the cloud of jealousy of wanting to be a girl cleared my vision that i could see that the attraction to men wasn't as strong as I thought it would be. Actually my mother said at first that she wished I was just gay instead.

Another interesting thing is how she told my grandmother about it a few months before she was due to see me "because people's first reaction is not necessarily how they feel in the end about things" I thought that was wise because her reaction when i first told her I liked wearing women's clothes was pretty bad for the first few months. After that i could tell her how things were changing as they went. That was two years ago now. Now she calls me her daughter.

When i came out again as attracted to women, she wasn't too surprised.

[Aleah]

Thanks everyone, I think I will wait and package it but I think it's just the anticipation since it's causing me anxiety.

I think now I should decide rather on when, then what.

You made a very good point there Kadri, thanks for being so honest. Btw I love your blog!