Seeing Dad for the first time since pre-T

[Jamison]

I know lots of you have gone through this, so I figured I'd ask for some tips. As the day approaches, I'm getting more and more anxious.

I'll see my Dad is NY this Christmas for 4 days. At that time, I'll be 8 months on T. My face has dramatically changed and I have a bit of facial hair. My voice is now also deeper than his.

He's known about me transitioning from day one, and luckily I can say he is supportive. He doesn't understand it, he doesn't know anything about it, he just trusts me enough to figure that I know what I'm doing.

My problem is- we don't really get along very well in general, mostly stemming from a rocky past, but also our viewpoints on the basic tenets of life conflict. Once I turned 21, the pressure subsided a bit because we could at least drink together and our tempers would cease a bit. However, I know if he messes up on a pronoun or treats me in a feminine way, it may very well be the last straw if we're already in a stressful situation. I rather not spend another yearly meeting with my Dad trying not to kill each other. The last time we talked, he explained to me that "he will always see me as his little girl, but will respect how I want to be addressed." He doesn't really get that that's not quite the point and it makes me cringe when he says it.

How did you guys get through similar encounters? I at least rest a bit easier because I don't have to worry about passing. Even if he does mis-gender me in a public setting, I figured they'd just look at him like he was stupid. I just hope he doesn't fumble clumsily over correcting himself.

Ugggh, why can't transitioning be a strictly personal.

Thanks for letting me rant and in advance for your responses.

[spacial]

I don't have any experience of your situation, but I will suggest, with absolute cert6ainty that you will be fine.

Firstly, I only know you now. You're not some pushover.

Secondly. You dad knows as you say. Given that and the physical changes that have already happened, and that your relationship is a bit strained already, if he uses the wrong pronoun it will be the same as if he calls you s**t-head, frankly.

Do you get it?

He can either show you some respect, or disappear. Becuase if he can't face you now, then he is never going to grow up, is he?

Now I think I'm not the only one, but I so want to hear from you about how this meeting goes. I think you will come out on top, no matter what.

[Jamison]

I don't have any experience of your situation, but I will suggest, with absolute cert6ainty that you will be fine.

Firstly, I only know you now. You're not some pushover.

Secondly. You dad knows as you say. Given that and the physical changes that have already happened, and that your relationship is a bit strained already, if he uses the wrong pronoun it will be the same as if he calls you s**t-head, frankly.

Do you get it?

He can either show you some respect, or disappear. Becuase if he can't face you now, then he is never going to grow up, is he?

Now I think I'm not the only one, but I so want to hear from you about how this meeting goes. I think you will come out on top, no matter what.

HAH. I'm laughing at the fact that in HS he probably called me "s**t-head" more than my actual name. But I get you. I suppose something trans-related just stings a little more.

I'll definitely keep ya'll posted about what goes down. Our last xmas in NY was traumatic as well when I was 20. Ended up getting into a fist fight in the middle of Rockefeller until I was able to physically escape, then he got his stuff from the hotel and left me alone in Manhattan the last couple days of my visit, including xmas. He probably won't top that.

Thx.

[suzifrommd]

HAH. I'm laughing at the fact that in HS he probably called me "s**t-head" more than my actual name. But I get you. I suppose something trans-related just stings a little more.

I'll definitely keep ya'll posted about what goes down. Our last xmas in NY was traumatic as well when I was 20. Ended up getting into a fist fight in the middle of Rockefeller until I was able to physically escape, then he got his stuff from the hotel and left me alone in Manhattan the last couple days of my visit, including xmas. He probably won't top that.

Thx.

I need to weigh in on this. What you're describing is not a conflict of viewpoints. This is abuse, pure and simple. No other word describes it. Please do what you need to do to make sure you are safe.

[spacial]

I have to agree with agfrommd here.

I actually understand why you need to do this. I continually returned to my abusive family, all of them, for many years, until I finally said no more. While I did that, I also accepted social relationships which were essentially abusive, at the very least, disrespectful.

But as I said already, I think you're stronger than that, though obviously, walking away from abusive family is much more difficult.

But you don't need this and you'll never get what you're going back, repeatedly, for. Simply because it isn't there. He doesn't have it to give you.

[Jamison]

I suppose I spoke of this too casually for other's liking. Yes, I will be safe. I do not see him, but maybe once a year, but I'm all he has, and I intend on keeping up this practice until he dies or eventually falls into my dependence.

Circumstances are different, and I can't see it escalating to that extent again. Also, I'm stronger this time around.

@ spacial- I'm not really looking to get back anything anymore. As I implied above, once you get passed the anger and hatred, all that's left is pity.

Cheers all. Don't let this post damper anyone's day. It was not my intent.

[Jamison]

I made a vid regarding my visit with my dad. I think I covered it all in the video. Overall, it was short and fairly smooth. No punches thrown, though I did tell him if he didn't stop "she-ing" me while on the phone with my aunt that I was going to come over and punch him in the stomach. He got the message.

cheers all, and hope your holidays went well.

[spacial]

Thank Jamison, just watched the whole video.

Few points.

You look really good and from what I saw and heard, a regular guy. One of the problems many transisioners have is intonation. You don't have that problem at all. Pitch is pretty good as well.

Your dad sounds competitive. People like that tend to be lacking confidence. Just saying. Keep it in mind if he starts to get to you. Think about it, he must be pretty desperate to validate himself if he's doing it on his one kids. Sad, but some guys never really grow up.

Male hair. Some guys start early. Some don't. But it will happen and when it does, either you're gonna love it or hate it. For now, try to relax. Lots of men don't grow much male hair till their 20s.

[Jamison]

Thank Jamison, just watched the whole video.

Few points.

You look really good and from what I saw and heard, a regular guy. One of the problems many transisioners have is intonation. You don't have that problem at all. Pitch is pretty good as well.

Your dad sounds competitive. People like that tend to be lacking confidence. Just saying. Keep it in mind if he starts to get to you. Think about it, he must be pretty desperate to validate himself if he's doing it on his one kids. Sad, but some guys never really grow up.

Male hair. Some guys start early. Some don't. But it will happen and when it does, either you're gonna love it or hate it. For now, try to relax. Lots of men don't grow much male hair till their 20s.

Thanks for the words. It's true, my dad is insanely competitive and a total "man's man." He associates being manly with lifting weights, watching/playing football, and having chest hair.  I think the whole concept is messed up since his interpretation puts a huge emphasis on the physical, but it's also disappointing since apart from the complete physical, I am pretty stereotypically "manly," but it's not good enough for him.

cheers.

[Emily Aster]

I made a vid regarding my visit with my dad. I think I covered it all in the video. Overall, it was short and fairly smooth. No punches thrown, though I did tell him if he didn't stop "she-ing" me while on the phone with my aunt that I was going to come over and punch him in the stomach. He got the message.

cheers all, and hope your holidays went well.

My dad's the same way with me as far as the never being a real man type stuff and I was born as his son. Some people just have this idea in their heads about what it means to be a man and nobody that deviates from it is ever going to change their mind. I do think you give him too much credit with the "that's just the way he is" thing, but at the same time I think it's admirable that you keep trying to make it work.