Feeling very down need someone to talk to

[Cute Ida]

My mom is not talking to me. I received a text about two hours after I called her. I hadn't called her for a while. Let me start at the beginning. On thanksgiving my parents said that my former identity is welcome but not Ida. That hurt but I could handle it. Later my sis was going to bring me a plate of food. About an hour after they ate my mom had to go to urgent care. Since my sis and bro were just waiting to find out what was wrong they fixed me a plate of food and brought it over to me. We chatted a while and talked how concerned we were about my mom.


My mom had to go the hospital for surgery. She had to have her gallbladder removed. This was on thanksgiving night. I didn't call my mom until today cause I didn't know how much recup time she needed and I didn't want to tax her by having her get up and answer the phone and I thought she was still mad at me for not coming by her house for thanksgiving. My mom thinks it would be easy for me to put my hair in a pony and wear boys clothes to my parent's house to make her happy. I do not wear male clothes anymore! I went full time at work two months ago and was put on hormones the day after. My parents think glbt is a lifestyle choice. It's not! I was born trans!


My mother never calls me by my preferred name: Ida. I can't stand being called by my old name. Anyway I get a text later today from my mom saying that she is hurt that I didn't call sooner and that I am always thinking about myself. That hurt! I am not always thinking about myself! I was very concerned about my mom but I have a hard time voicing it. I tend to bottle things up. I always have. I've learned to keep things to myself. My mother and father do not accept me being m2f trans. My siblings, friends and coworkers do accept me as trans. I was so hurt at my mom's text that I felt like killing myself. I grabbed my new refills of my female hormones intending to take them all. I had them in my hand. Something stopped me. I'm not sure why I stopped.


I've been crying the last half hour or so. I am not going to kill myself but I do still feel bad. I do have a good support system: my sis, bro, friends, hormones doctor, hair removal person and coworkers. I just felt so bad that I had to tell someone. Anyone at all. Any advice besides talking to others in my support system and has anyone else had similar things happen with your parents?

Ida

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Parents aren't always your best friends. Sometimes it takes a long time for them to adapt. Sometimes they don't. First get Mom well, then worry about working through this with her. Hugs, Devlyn

[mintra]

Ida please don't feel bad. Big hugs to you. I'm going through a crisis regarding acceptance as well although mine is at workplace. I always come to Susan's place whenever i needed help. Hope you're feeling better soon.

[toxicblue]

I've had issues with both of my parents, actually. When they found out I was taking hormones, my mom freaked out on me, even though in the past she said she was supportive. The amount she freaked out affected my dad, and he wanted me out of the house. I couldn't help but crying. Even though since I was 13 years old I wanted to leave the house, it still hurt. I'm on my own right now but it doesn't make it much easier.

My mom eventually did come around, but I don't know exactly how accepting she will be, because my hormones are still working and I'm not full time yet. Still, it can be frustrating, lonely, and hopeless. I keep moving on because there's nothing else I can do. Even though there's pain, if there's hope for a brighter future, I'll chase it. Just keep moving forward. It may never be as easy as being a cis girl, but it's worth it in the end, because you can express yourself the way you want to, and have one less thing to regret day after day.

[Cindy]

Hi Ida,

How are you feeling Hon?

I'm here if you want to talk

Cindy

[Silvermist]

Hey Ida, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but could you live without your parents being in your life at all?

You said that you already have a sizable and strong support network. Some people really can't live without their parents because no one else would support them either, and/or their parents are financially supporting them. But that doesn't seem to describe you or your situation. Please remember that relationships always go in two (or more) directions, even family ones.

Although they are and always will be your parents, you should respect yourself enough to not be involved with anyone who only hurts you rather than helps you. You are an adult and deserve to be treated with respect, especially by your parents. You may love them no matter what, but if they're just going to keep guilt-tripping you into acting the way that they want, and blaming you, then they're not respecting you at all. They're actually demeaning you; one could argue that it's emotionally abusive. And you shouldn't take that from anybody, least of all your parents.

In every relationship, there's some kind of power dynamic in play. You are no longer a minor, so your parents are no longer responsible for you, and you are no longer dependent upon them the way that a child is. By all rights, they should not have power over you, but they act like they do, which is why they've said the things that they've said. Probably because they still (and perhaps always will) think of you as their "baby," they assume that the power dynamic hasn't changed; the thought might never have entered their minds. But this is your opportunity to assert yourself.

Maybe an ultimatum is what's necessary. Plenty of transphobic parents cut ties to their trans offspring, but yours haven't, which suggests that having you in their lives is at least somewhat important to them. So if you threaten to cut them out of your life unless they try to respect what you're doing, even if they don't approve, then they'll be forced to reevaluate things instead of assuming that they're in the right and that you should bend to their will. This may sound harsh, but please consider how things will go if you don't try it: They'll never change their minds because they'll never have a reason to do so. You're already living on your own as a full-time woman with many loving and supportive people around you, so proving to them that you're serious and happy being MTF will not be enough.

If what ultimately happens is that your parents are out of your life for good, then don't think of it as a terrible thing, no matter how much it may hurt at first. You're already hurting now because of them, so why should you keep taking it for as long as they're alive? Do you think that you'd be better off with or without their hurtful influence in the long run?

[Silvermist]

BTW, if your parents continue to insist that LGBT is a lifestyle choice, then maybe you should try getting them to talk to your doctors. Are your parents more qualified to make a judgment about this than they are?

[Sadie]

Ida, my parents were not the most supportive of me transitioning at first.  Their hesitation wasn't based on religious reasons it was more out of concern for what would happen to me and what would happen to my daughters. Would I be able to survive the ordeals and hardships of being transgender? How would it affect my kids?

It took my mom a good year and a half before she truly came around, she kept trying to convince me to wait to transition. My dad asked why I couldn't just live with it in my head?  But I went ahead with transition anyway and tried to maintain the peace with them.  Now, my mom has had a complete 180 degree change on the subject and is my biggest supporter.  Not sure where my Dad stands yet as he is a a man of little emotion or words but he seems to be coming around though much more slowly.  However they still occasionally slip up and call me my old name. (grumble)

Just remember everyone needs time to adjust, especially parents. You are their child and this will feel like their child is dying and being replaced by someone else to them. As irrational as that sounds, that is how transition feels for many parents of transgender children. I don't know all the details of your situation but not all parents are transphobic out of hatred, a lot are concerned about how their child will survive, it is a big unknown for them and just as scary for them as it is for us.

I think you did the right thing by not going to Thanksgiving, to make a point that this IS important to you.  Just also keep in mind a lot of feelings can change over a few years and maybe not to burn bridges unnecessarily.  I hope your mom is doing well in her surgery recovery.

[Lexicaligari]

There are few folks more loaded than our parents-- and fewer folks less qualified to pass judgement. My father just passed away a few weeks ago. I remember his bitchinhg about all sorts of things that it was totally obvious he knew absolutley nothing about. He jsut seemed pathetic and pitheticaly uninformed. I remember being shocked at the thought that this man was ever intimidating to me. And that I had nothing to proved to such a person.

This observation will come to you in some form. They may just never, ever "get it". And that's okay. Its cold comforts to be sure, but you are your own person. Be that!! If they are not happy to let you live your own life, then they were not interested in your happiness in the first place. And what can you do with that?

I had to get used to never getting their acceptance. I did insist on respect. That we all need to do with anyone we choose to spend time with, and is usually how we determine who is worth including in our circle of friends.

I wish you the very best of luck. It WILL get better!

Lexi-
In North Florida on the banks of the Suwannee River-

[Jeanette Marie]

Ida,

I am touched by your situation.  Although parental acceptance is a big deal to most people, maybe you can find some comfort in the support you do have? Maybe the situation needs time.

I had a father who had plenty of personal issues and biases. He was more than willing to tell anyone what he thought and why he thought it.  I remember him telling me directly, as a teen, that if he suspected any of his sons were queer (the popular word back then) that he would have no problem disowning them and kicking them out of the house. I believe he thought this was a good way of keeping us "on the straight and narrow". I also think it allowed him to "keep up appearances" with friends, family and coworkers.

I now know it was he that had the problem. Not me or any of my siblings. This man lived in a constant state of fear, pain and denial. He projected on us and hoped we will be the better for it.

Over the years, I've emulated those I admire and respect. I wanted to be like those I admire, not how I was raised. I have been fortunate enough to find there are a lot of good people in the world. I strive to be one of them every day. As I have done this, my pain and resentment have become less. I accept myself and others easier, I understand better, I love easier.

I wish only the best for you.

[Cute Ida]

Hello everyone. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded to my post. They all helped me on some level. I would have to say that the most helpful post was by Ydgmdlu. Followed by Sadie and Toxicblue. I am just waiting  to hear back from others in my support network. I slept for 12 hours. I do feel better but still a little blue. Its only a matter of time till I bounce back.  My mother is hurt that I didn't call until a week after her surgery. I didn't want to call her cause of her being mad that I didn't come over for thanksgiving as male and her recuperation time. When was I supposed to call her? I internalize a lot of stuff. More than I should and to a point to where I can be depressed and start isolating myself and become passive. Which obviously can come off as being only concerned about myself. All thanksgiving weekend I practically stayed in my room and didn't go anywhere or do much.

A little bit more background for all of you who replied:  My parents did have concern for what would happen to me if I came out as trans but once I showed them that I have friends and siblings and coworkers that support me in being trans their concerns about my trans future eased up but not their beliefs. I doubt my parents would even consider talking to my doctors. I'm 29. My parents found out I was trans 14 months ago and I've been on my own the last 11 months. My mom acknowledges that the change is taking place but that's it. My dad: not even that.

I am usually a pretty resilient person but when its something emotionally charged like this then it hits me hard.  They probably will never get it. I can handle that. I may have to cut ties to them. At least for a while. I probably could live without contact with them as I do have people who are willing to support me. To quote Sadie : "I went ahead with my transition anyway and tried to maintain the peace with them".  I owed it to myself to do that. Also like Sadie, my mom tried to get me to hold off on transition. She wanted me wait until after thirty.

I have some thinking to do about what I want to write to my mom in an email explaining that I had concern for her but that I couldn't express it not to mention the whole thanksgiving issue, the surgery and recuperation timetable. I have to ask myself:  why do I still seek my parents' approval even though they don't support me? Hugs to everyone. Thanks.

Ida

[Jayne]

I understand what you're going through as i'm in a similar situation with my mum.

Wanting acceptance from parents is a natural desire, it's what drives many people to succeed in life & there's nothing wrong with it providing that desire doesn't have an unhealthy effect on your life.
I'm currently coming close to telling my mum that she either accepts this or we go our seperate ways, I can ignore snide comments from strangers because they mean nothing to me but coming from my mother they can really hurt.

I wont advise you what choices to take or what may help because nothing i'm trying right now seems to work for me & my mum.

All I can do is to tell you that you are not alone, my best wishes go out to you

Jayne