You are not alone with those feelings. I've been slipping from the intersection of hoplessness and futility into the abyss of fatalism these past 3-4 months.
I am overwhelmed each and every day by my sense of futility, hopelessness and despair. All made all the worse because I arrived at the bank of the river Jordan, have seen the promised land, even ran barefoot along the water's edge. I know, or believe really, that I now will never be able to cross over. It took an amazing amount of effort to arrive there, only made possible by the amazing help of others. But why continue to fight, struggle, or torture myself thinking and dreaming of things that will never be? Things that filled my life with with incredible joy.
But who am I to say what will be? I never dreamed that I'd reach the point I have. I never dreamed that I can actually be accepted as a woman during by many walks along that river bank. I never dreamed that I'd be seriously facing the questions and possible futures laying before me.
I never dreamed that I can come up with so many reasons not to change. It sucks having to wake up and smell the coffee. Even more so if you have to make it first. There is but one simple answer to the questions of change. Find a way to live life.
Yet there are more "no I can't. Makes no sense. Who wants to be a 56 or realistically a 66 y/o woman?" days than "must have" days. Far far less must have days since my wife wound up in hospital (in part thanks to overwhelming anxiety brought on by... guess who?) and I had to rearrange my priorities. That is followed by the many diversions, distractions and some denial splitting this person apart again after several years of hard work trying to make one whole healthy and happy one.
I don't want to die inside again. Yet it is slowly happening. I lost my one and only hope, my wish, my dream in my early 20's when I totally gave up on the idea of transition. Back then I was able to handle loosing it. My test was not going well. I see now how in those ensuing years I've became a non person. A machine that does as programmed. I don't want to loose that hope, that wish, that dream again.
We need Hopes, Wishes, and Dreams. Otherwise what's the point? So I cling to my one and only for dear life. In a sense I guess just as I've done for some 30+ years to ultimately find joy.
