Christmas...

[tekla]

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. \

I've been around, exposed to, and had to interact with many different families over the course of my life.  Some - most perhaps - are powerful forces of love and strength.  But, to be sure, some families are the sickest, most degenerate spaces inhabited by human beings.  The worst of them act like a centrifuge purifying and enriching the most despicable traits for everyone involved.

So, I'd never presume to tell people "oh it's the most wonderful thing, you're so lucky to have one that wants you".  For a hella lot of people NOT spending time with their family is absolutely the best, most positive and liberating thing in the world they could do. 

When they are good, I guess they are fine.  But when they are not, I know they are way toxic.

And if you don't like yours, make a new one.  It's not all that hard.

Besides, how can they miss you if you don't go away.

[Alainaluvsu]

No, my local hospital wants me to go to another hospital 3 hours away, which I'm not really going to do...

I say this in sincere concern. In your case, I truly believe you should go to ANY therapist. The way you look at yourself and the conditions you set for yourself seem to me to be extreme and dangerous. I do not think anybody here will be able to help you until you get some professional help first. I want you to have a good life (just like I want everybody on these forums to have a good life), but I do not think you can get that, in your specific case, until you actually get help. And please, do not make excuses for yourself as to why you cannot get help from SOMEBODY in the area. You are the pilot of your life, nobody else. This is extremely important and I just don't see you feeling better about yourself until somebody who knows quite a bit about psychology sees you.

Love ya hon, and I hope for the best.

[SarahM777]

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. \

I've been around, exposed to, and had to interact with many different families over the course of my life.  Some - most perhaps - are powerful forces of love and strength.  But, to be sure, some families are the sickest, most degenerate spaces inhabited by human beings.  The worst of them act like a centrifuge purifying and enriching the most despicable traits for everyone involved.

So, I'd never presume to tell people "oh it's the most wonderful thing, you're so lucky to have one that wants you".  For a hella lot of people NOT spending time with their family is absolutely the best, most positive and liberating thing in the world they could do. 

When they are good, I guess they are fine.  But when they are not, I know they are way toxic.

And if you don't like yours, make a new one.  It's not all that hard.

Besides, how can they miss you if you don't go away.

Just because a family member says they want to be with you does not mean that their motives are pure. A toxic situation can include on going manipulation, deceit, theft, fraud, betrayal, defamation of character,etc etc. No one should have to deal with those things. Those are things that are very very hard to work through. It's better to walk away than to remain there.

[Nicolette]

They can't do anything more. But just because they accept me doesn't mean I want to be with them.

My current opinion is one expressed 15 years post transition. Post event horizon, call it. I may have had similar dilemmas, but nothing is fresh in my mind any more. If I did then they were obviously resolved or were just a blip in the realm of things. Family situations are very dynamic. Perhaps they can change for the better. My biggest flaw is being a hopeless optimist. Hope has always stood me in good stead.

[Emily Aster]

I think whether or not you want to see your family really depends on the type of home life you had growing up. I came from a family with a very emotionally and abusive father, so I learned early on to not let a single family member find out what who I really was. I haven't started fulltime and right now I'm thinking I want to cut all ties with family, and anybody that knew me as male. That may change as I gain confidence though. I'd imagine someone with a very supportive family would feel the exact opposite.

[muuu]

.

[MadelineB]

So, after a lot of sleeping and thinking I think I've figured out why I don't like being with them.

I feel judged, ridiculed and humiliated when I am with them, they don't say anything out loud about anything like that. But I still feel they find me pathetic and will always see me as a man.
Even though they say they understand, asked for a female name to get used to, and doesn't even use male pronoun. I still don't know what they're thinking, or if they're just putting up a display, and having their fun behind it.

There's nothing they can do to let me drop these ideas, and seeing them won't change how I feel, at all. If I had hips and looked feminine enough to pass, I guess this issue wouldn't be as hard to deal with.
So yeah... Maybe I could tell them I feel a bit uncomfortable around them? Or maybe they'd dismiss that, or feel offended?

That makes a lot of sense. So the problem you are feeling is internal to you, and not being able to know what other people think, even if they are outwardly supportive. And if I am reading correctly, your own frustration and fears about your body and ability to pass.

No pressure from me, but as supportive as they have been, you may want to consider opening up to the most understanding member of your family and asking them for advice about it. I cannot express to you how nervous I was about appearing dressed as ME at a family function for the first time, but also how thrilling it was and what an amazing relief to me internally when it turned out to be a non-issue. There is always a time to start every journey, and steps to get to where you want to go. You may find that you can let your family, or parts of it, in, to see your insecurity (not about who you are - make that clear - but about your ability to be accepted as who you are in the world). Friends and family both can be an amazing comfort in those painful first step days. I haven't regretted ending a lifelong habit of not sharing my challenges and fears until I resolve them myself. I let people in now.

[Brooke777]

Muuu, I hope you don't take offense to this but, from what you have written it sounds like the fears you have are your own fears about yourself. What I mean by that is you see people as not really accepting you as a woman, and always seeing you as a man. This is despite the fact that they don't use male pronouns, and want to use a female name. I think the person who really does not accept you is you. I strongly suggest you discuss these feelings with a mental health professional. Just be completely honest with them, and they can help.

[muuu]

.

[Alainaluvsu]

Would you mind telling us where you live muuu?

[muuu]

.

[Joelene9]

Muuu,

  I'm curious, Muuu as in Muumins or Muumi?  I learned about these characters during a cell phone repair class at the Nokia USA headquarters in 1998.  A part in one of the schematics had MUUMI on it as a microprocessor name and was told that it was also a cartoon character in Finland where Nokia is based. 
  I hope for the better for you with your relatives this Christmas. 

  Joelene

[muuu]

.

[Joelene9]

  Thanks for the info.  Just hope and have a merry Christmas with your relatives. 

  Joelene

[Bijou]

I'm Sorry, but you say your family accepts you, wants you around, and that you even think they see you as the girl you really are. I'm not trying to offend, but it seems like you're still passing judgement onto them for your childhood, which unless you left some horrible things out, doesn't sound that bad.

Instead of focusing on the fact that you couldn't grow your hair long when you were a kid, focus on the fact that you have a family that loves and wants you. Transition isn't easy. You'll appreciate their presence eventually.

[muuu]

.

[SarahM777]

How would you know if you don't communicate it to them? Can you be sure that they do not and will not if you refuse to see them and talk to them? How can they they know if you are not the one to do so? They can't grasp it without us talking to them,and they have no idea what's inside of us. Part of them seeing you as you are is having to let them in. But you will never know unless you take that first step. They may surprise you. Is it risky? Of course. But if they can try to understand,they could be your best support. It doesn't mean they will.

[muuu]

.

[Alainaluvsu]

Honestly, I feel sorry for your family because they obviously love you, they're trying for you, but you are still distancing yourself from them because of your own insecurities. I couldn't imagine being in their shoes. It's almost like you don't want to give them a chance because "they know!!!" I'd almost be insulted if I were in their shoes, to be honest.

Also, I truly believe that you need psychiatric / medical help. Your self esteem is rock bottom and you are conjuring reasons to keep it there, which is very unhealthy for a comfortable life (obviously). It's also going to be a detriment to you passing. I highly suggest you find a way to see a psych, no matter if you have to drive 3 hours to see them. You probably need medication, seriously (and I don't normally say that to people). Talking to anybody on this forum is not going to help you, because it seems like every response you get from us, you are finding reasons to down yourself or your life in general.

I'm not trying to come down on you or argue with you. Please don't take it that way. I do care. I care about all of our well-being. I'll be here to support you to the very end but only if you try to be positive at times. But from my eyes, it is purely pathological and can only be helped with medication.

[muuu]

.