Thoughts in the Days remaning before going Full Time

[Misato]

I felt bad. 

I was sitting in group therapy about a year ago, listening to another member speak, and the following thought went through my head as she spoke, "Oh my!  She really is a woman!"  Here I am a woman, a trans-woman my own self, how is it I had such a fundamental misunderstanding of our situation?  I feel bad to this day that I was so far into the process before I truly came to understand what it means to be transgender.

What brought that memory back today?  I just got back from a consultation for getting hair extensions (Appt = Jan 11th = day I go Full Time) the woman who was working with me dropped a "he" in reference to me.  Note: I was presenting as a woman.  She didn't even know my male name until my Credit Card outed it.  Anyway, I didn't get mad, I didn't correct her, I just sat there as she continued to make her plan. 

After we were done, and I found out how much my purse was going to be hit (ouch), we chatted a little while and I just let myself be as naturally me as possible.  My goal: set her up to have that same epiphany I had in group.  Maybe she won't.  But overall she was great, and she has a great plan for my hair.  As the people here will see, as I plan to update my avatar on that day.  Anyway, During our post-consultation conversation we talked makeup and she complemented me on the job I did on myself.  That felt mighty good!  Maybe I left a mark?

I came out to everyone at work earlier this week too, in order to let them know what's coming.  My company ended up structuring it that we were going to have a company lunch after the meeting.  So in my coming out speech, I took that lunch and cast it as a celebration of my coming out and embracing my trans identity.  Which gets to something I think I screwed up in May.  Back then, when I was trying to be out while looking for a job, I talked about being trans as something of burden.  Wait, I can put that better: I was casting myself as a second class citizen.  That was the wrong move.  I think I successfully scared a recruiter away due to that.  Tuesday, I replied to a new recruiter saying that about two months after my male name changes to my female name on LinkedIn would probably be the best time to contact me again.  She wished me a happy 2013 and I believe her when she said I'll be hearing from her again.

I'm starting to believe, when dealing people are uninitiated to trans issues, a majority of them follow your lead.  If you cast being trans as a burden they will see it as a burden.  If you cast it as a good thing that lets you be yourself, they'll be fine with it, and come to respect you.   Yeah, you're also going to have your jerks that can't be won over no matter what you do.  To be honest, that's the reason I won't be riding the bus when I go Full Time next month, as I've had my worst encounters on those things.  Maybe if HRT blesses me with a higher degree of passibility I'll return to the bus but for now, baby steps.

The lady who is going to be doing my hair extensions asked me if I wanted to use a private room for the consultation.  I said no.  I know I get clocked, and a good chunk of the time I don't care.  Sometimes yeah, sometimes yeah, I just want to be seen as a woman (Edit: or be left alone, hello Bus again).  But most of the time when I get clocked or I have to out myself, I try to view it as an opportunity to give someone else that education it took me so long to get until I got it in group.

I don't want to write too much more because I don't want to cloud what I'm trying to get out with too many words but, while talking to the hair extension lady I realized I was more nervous the first time I flew Internationally than I am of going full time.  I am less concerned about stopping being a guy than I was of running afoul of the Japanese government because I was delivering some prescription medication for my SO, who was living in Japan at the time.

So, as the motto of my home state goes, FORWARD!

[Beverly]

But most of the time when I get clocked or I have to out myself, I try to view it as an opportunity to give someone else that education it took me so long to get until I got it in group.

There is no more powerful 'passing' mechanism than confidence in yourself. It surprises me how many people on here refuse to believe that.

Edit: Self-confidence and a reasonably passable female voice can be a complete life-saver  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,131833.0.html

[Misato]

I got to thinking afterward I should have removed the bit about the bus as I started to think I was contradicting myself.  Or at least confusing what I was trying to get out there.

For me today, I don't care that people know my male bodied birth.  But there have been moments where I know being seen as one or the other in the supposed binary would have saved me some grief, that's what I was trying to recognize about the passability bit.   And why I acknowledged there are jerks out there.

I have agreed and still agree with you bev2 that confidence is key.  Indeed, my confidence is confidence in who I am, and part of who I am does include being a woman.  So I didn't correct when I was called "he" because I didn't think that would have taught her as I had to learn myself.  Besides, if it took me so long to really understand that you can be a woman born into a male body (or vice versa) where I am trans myself and was pretty far down the road as I was doing things like presenting as a woman in public at the time while riding that bus, who am/was I to get all righteous about being misgendered?  So I opted to demonstrate I'm a she by being myself in spite of the male traits of my body.

My hope is and was to educate.

I don't think my approach is for everyone cause there's this activist tinge to it.  Stealth is right out the way I'm going.  But it is enabling me to be happy which is why I wanted to share or try to say something.

[Beverly]

Misato - I was agreeing with you, not criticising you. I obviously need to express myself better

[Misato]

Please don't take offense bev2.  It was largely my bus comment got me tripped me up mentally.  "Passable female voice" did get stuck in my head because I've had a cold all week, which has made me sound like Barry White, so I'm a tincy wincy bit sensitive to that one I think.  The mistake is mine, I needed to choose a better tone.

[Noah]

It can be difficult to see ourselves, and trust what we see. A lot of trans women begin and progress through a process of transition and all the while doubt themselves, their reality, and their motivations. Don't confuse your skepticism with a lack of faith. Being transgender defies the basic structure of our psycho-social world, individual concept of identity, and apparent biology. Of course, it only defies these things because they have been skewed to suggest an unnatural belief, and Human Beings are of course much more diverse than that. We appear because we are a significant representation of the varied self. Our most promising strength may be in taking the actions of self-care in transition, often despite an overwhelming sense of insanity or sickness.

Good for you for following your heart, and I am glad you finally see what you really are. Oh, and Congratulations on Fulltime....xxx

[Alainaluvsu]

As the people I'm starting to believe, when dealing people are uninitiated to trans issues, a majority of them follow your lead.  If you cast being trans as a burden they will see it as a burden.  If you cast it as a good thing that lets you be yourself, they'll be fine with it, and come to respect you.   Yeah, you're also going to have your jerks that can't be won over no matter what you do.

The lady who is going to be doing my hair extensions asked me if I wanted to use a private room for the consultation.  I said no.  I know I get clocked, and a good chunk of the time I don't care.  Sometimes yeah, sometimes yeah, I just want to be seen as a woman (Edit: or be left alone, hello Bus again).  But most of the time when I get clocked or I have to out myself, I try to view it as an opportunity to give someone else that education it took me so long to get until I got it in group.

Peoples treatment of you as a trans will greatly depend on your self confidence... or better yet, the "I don't care what you think" persona you put on. If you're constantly looking at the ground and hard on yourself, everyone else will see a reason to be hard on yourself. Nobody is going to hire somebody who thinks their whole identity is flawed. I never wear the trans identity on my sleeve except around people whom I know are friends, however. When you act like you're just another person despite what you're wearing, instead of trying to draw attention or barricade yourself from the outside world, people see that and treat you like anybody else.

I don't think it's good to try to educate people though. If they want to know, yeah... I become an open book. But I never start trying to answer questions before they're asked. It's a good way to be seen as an annoying activist.

[Zumbagirl]

Hi there!

I still remember the days when I was a tween, and would get questions like "Are you a boy or a girl?". It just goes with the territory. As far as getting clocked or pronoun mixups, don't kill yourself it all goes away with time. It might have been a different outcome if you had given the stylist a credit card with a female name and/or a female ID.

I think pronoun mixups are something that happens in life, not just us, athough we depict the problem to it's fullest extent. I have seen really feminine women get sirred because they have short hair and I have never seen one blow up or lose confidence over it.

I think one place where I beat myself up was right when I went full time as well. I simply had no experience living as a woman. There were so many social aspects of living of which I had zero experience. In short, I knew I was sticking out like a sore thumb. I think it took me a good 6 months before I finally felt comfortable that I was indeed "passing" ( a word I don't like). The social aspects take years of living to get down properly, in fact it never really ends.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I have found that many times when we heard "he" or other male pronouns, we just misunderstood them, or they slipped.  It does happen.

I generally ride the MAX (mass transit) and while I might get clocked occasionally I have never had anyone in my face.  And if I did I would contact the driver or 911.

[Jeanette Marie]

I find Noah's advice to be very poignant and worth remembering. I will take this advice and use it.
I am treating myself to a day spa. I was contemplating removing my nail polish as not to make anyone uncomfortable.  Not anymore. I will go as myself, confident in my intentions. I've heard the advice before.......it's now time to follow it.

Thank you.

[Misato]

My bus incident was I got on and this woman just started going off near me about, "If God intended for Men to be Women he'd of given em' t**s!" every time I feel into her view.  So she said this repeatedly, and loudly.  I was waiting to find out if I was on some ambush TV show it felt so bad.  I wasn't.  It was just the city.  No one cared.  Hopefully, the other riders had no idea what she was going on about.

I'm not trying to be an annoying activist.  I was trying to be subtle by just being myself, just like how that woman in group taught me (I doubt she knew she did anything).  I try not to wear being trans on my sleeve, but I thought my past was going to be pretty darn obvious.  Especially when my wig came off.  Add in my Barry White voice...  Make no mistake, my current employer has been beyond awesome with my pending transition.  Still, I look forward to going somewhere where my colleagues don't know my male presentation and I do NOT intend to broadcast it whenever the day comes that I get there.  But then again my past might be known, I'm no superstar in my field, but I do have a history.

What I don't like, and don't really want to do, is get in people's faces when they make the misgendering mistake.  I hear "I make em' respect me!" with this forceful tone advocated by people in my group and elsewhere and I just can't make myself do that anymore.  I spent so much of my life so angry, and going the forceful route as it pertained to trying to get respect in other areas of my life... I find it tiring and I think I ended up lonelier for it.  When my grandpa died this past summer I threw this awful tantrum over not getting his wedding ring, I felt disrespected by my family and I just went off.  It took months to recover, and maybe with some of my uncles we still haven't.  I do think that the ring is actually with the rightful owner now, but the important bit is my rage got me nothing except an affirmation of my reputation for having a temper.  BTW, my temper, I don't miss that either.  I don't doubt there's a time to crank up the heat, but the moment I was referencing didn't feel like it.

I think my original post is a reaction to a conversation about misgendering I had in group.  Not that anyone would know since I didn't mention that earlier.  Oops.

Right now I'm just emotionally raw.  From the car accident last week, to getting my E starting date pushed from last Monday to Jan 2 (I missed my appointment thanks to the accident), to coming out to everyone at work (that went awesome), to driving over 558 miles today, to my SO and I living apart again (due to her asthma), I'm very extremely tired.  If I'm misinterpreting a reply here again please forgive me.  This girl is wiped out!  And, come to think of it, needs dinner....

Ah! Nearly forgot! Thanks Noah for the congrats on my pending full time.