How to deal with emotional people when you're kind of robotic?

[DriftingCrow]

I originally started studying law with the hopes of getting a job where I could just sit in a dark and cluttered office all day filling out forms and doing taxes, but now I find myself actually having to deal with people--and they get emotional.

I am not good at dealing with emotions, when someone cries in front of me, I almost feel like I am having a stroke-my brain goes into panic mode and just shuts down. I am really bad at comforting people, I usually just sit there staring at them or the wall awkwardly for a bit, I ask them if they'd like some water, then try to just carry on. I don't often get emotional in front of other people, but when I do I don't like people comforting me, I'd rather just quickly get over it and for everyone to pretend like nothing ever happened, so I tend to take that approach with other people.

When I am not at work, and it's someone I know, they can cry all day and it's not costing anyone anything, but I feel pressed for time at work since the firm charges them $150/hour for my work and I don't want anyone getting charged because they sit there crying for 2/10th of a billable hour while I am fiddling with a pen saying "it'll be okay" every now and then. It's even more awkward when I have someone on the phone and they start crying, because then I can't even offer them water or tissues. I just have to sit there listening to them weep. 

How do you guys deal with people who cry? Or, am I doing a good enough job already? So much of this profession hinges on your reputation, so I don't want word to get out that I am cold and unsympathetic, but I also don't want to be fake either. Since I am currently living as a female, I feel like I have a higher standard to live up to; if I was seen as male, I don't think people would care as much if I seemed to be bad at comforting people. Or, am I just overthinking it? Either way, I still always feel horribly awkward when someone--client or not--starts bawling in front of me.

[Kevin Peña]

You heartless b****! --> I'm just kidding. 

Anywho, no one actually likes to be around sad people who cry; if you do, you must be a sadistic jerk. Don't feel bad about it; no one is comfortable around someone who is crying. The best thing you can do is to let them cry until to the point where they can actually form a coherent sentence. Afterwards, let them talk and cry at the same time for the sake of not wasting time. Try to have a conversation amidst tears and give sincere advice without getting emotional. If anything, people want a robotic therapist since it guarantees that you will be talking to a neutral party that won't judge you or let emotions cloud his/her judgement.

[DriftingCrow]

Ah thanks I feel better already! 

[Kevin Peña]

Glad I could be of service. 

[AdamMLP]

I don't really have any advice to offer, I tend to just leave people be when they're upset.  Once I went into someone's room looking for them but there was only the girl they share with, who was crying because she was an international student from Spain and homesick, and I quickly asked if she knew where my friend was and then left and pointed a member of staff into the room to deal with her.  I'm just awful at comforting people.  I either make everything worse, or ignore them.  My problem is I can't understand people who cry in public, when something bad happens to me I go all macho and even though I can't always hold back the tears I'm just constantly reassuring everyone that it's fine, so when people openly cry it's a weird experience that I can't relate to at all.

You're not the only one who's like this, and there's not much you can do except tell them to take a minute to collect themselves, and offer them a tissue or something.  Maybe keep a box of tissues by your desk and don't act flustered by it, they're probably embarrassed about breaking down in front of a stranger and if you act like it's normal and everything's cool then they might calm down.

[MeghanAndrews]

I have a friend like that. She asked me one day "how would you like me to react when you are crying and upset because, honestly, it makes me uncomfortable but I want to be there for you as a friend?" I know you have this happening in a work situation but here's my advice. I work in a health clinic now and people cry all the time. I used to be in sales and it would happen there too (selling financial products, people would get upset about their financial situation, etc.). The first thing I recommend is to verbally acknowledge that they are crying. Have a box of tissues on your desk or in your work area where you meet them. When they start to get upset, make a face that kind of says "hey, I feel what you are feeling" almost like kind of a sad face but like...I'm making it now but I have a hard time explaining it, like if you can use your facial expression to say "I hear what you are going through and it sounds like a lot. I'm sorry." When they start to get upset, get the tissues and say something like "I'm really sorry, Ms. Jones, it sounds like you are going through so much. I want you to know that here in my office it's ok to cry if you feel like crying" or something to that affect. It will go a long way when you are working with them in the future. They won't forget the attorney that made them feel comforted. Typically when people cry, they just need to let it out and, for most girls I know, it passes and they are thankful that they had a chance to get it out. Obviously they are going through emotional times if they are crying. Recognize that and acknowledge it; offer tissues, let them know they are in a safe space. I think that'll go a long way with your clients. And maybe in the process you'll get to a place where people crying doesn't feel as much an intrusion, but something you don't quite understand, but learn to be comfortable with Meghan

[Natkat]

I think listening to people is the best advice. when people are upset they want you to listen to them and maybe you can do as you did ask a couple questions for suport. "do you like some water?" "do you wanna talk about it now?" something like this.

I guess its my best advice.

[DriftingCrow]

The first thing I recommend is to verbally acknowledge that they are crying. Have a box of tissues on your desk or in your work area where you meet them. When they start to get upset, make a face that kind of says "hey, I feel what you are feeling" almost like kind of a sad face but like...I'm making it now but I have a hard time explaining it, like if you can use your facial expression to say "I hear what you are going through and it sounds like a lot. I'm sorry." When they start to get upset, get the tissues and say something like "I'm really sorry, Ms. Jones, it sounds like you are going through so much. I want you to know that here in my office it's ok to cry if you feel like crying" or something to that affect.

Thanks for the good advise, I'll be sure to pick up a box of tissues to keep in my office and our conference room. I know the face you're thinking of (although I just have a face that looks either way too serious or angry all the time, so I am not good at making faces, I think it's because I have a pointy chin and really arched eyebrows; I tend to just look evil even if I smile  ), and I'll try to say something like you suggested.

for most girls I know, it passes and they are thankful that they had a chance to get it out.

Strangely, I've only had guys cry at work or over the phone; luckily they seem to get over it fairly quickly (except for one client who was very stoned at the time... I am sure he completely forgot about it by now lol).

[Leek]

I originally started studying law with the hopes of getting a job where I could just sit in a dark and cluttered office all day filling out forms and doing taxes, but now I find myself actually having to deal with people--and they get emotional.

I am not good at dealing with emotions, when someone cries in front of me, I almost feel like I am having a stroke-my brain goes into panic mode and just shuts down. I am really bad at comforting people, I usually just sit there staring at them or the wall awkwardly for a bit, I ask them if they'd like some water, then try to just carry on. I don't often get emotional in front of other people, but when I do I don't like people comforting me, I'd rather just quickly get over it and for everyone to pretend like nothing ever happened, so I tend to take that approach with other people.

When I am not at work, and it's someone I know, they can cry all day and it's not costing anyone anything, but I feel pressed for time at work since the firm charges them $150/hour for my work and I don't want anyone getting charged because they sit there crying for 2/10th of a billable hour while I am fiddling with a pen saying "it'll be okay" every now and then. It's even more awkward when I have someone on the phone and they start crying, because then I can't even offer them water or tissues. I just have to sit there listening to them weep. 

How do you guys deal with people who cry? Or, am I doing a good enough job already? So much of this profession hinges on your reputation, so I don't want word to get out that I am cold and unsympathetic, but I also don't want to be fake either. Since I am currently living as a female, I feel like I have a higher standard to live up to; if I was seen as male, I don't think people would care as much if I seemed to be bad at comforting people. Or, am I just overthinking it? Either way, I still always feel horribly awkward when someone--client or not--starts bawling in front of me.

Dude, I used to have that same sort of problem. I'm pretty stoic and I had a tendency to either not know what to do or to try to use logic to make them feel better (i.e. "Now, there's no reason to cry, everything is fine because of [xyz thing that makes things better]." / "*sob* I knooowww." / "Then why are you still crying?") and eventually I realized it made people feel I was cold and indifferent about their problem.

Over time, though, I figured out that they don't really care at that moment if things are worse or better, or if you can help them, or how much you're charging them--they just want to feel this emotion so that they can express it and get over it. They also don't want to feel even more awkward than they already do about crying in front of someone, and the best way to make them feel comfortable about it is to act like you're interested in what they're upset about. Just listening to their blubbering, nodding at the right times, and asking a few questions will make them feel like someone cares...and sometimes that's enough to make them stop, too. I think it just makes them feel like they're not crazy and over-dramatic for feeling the way they do.

[FTMDiaries]

I am not good at dealing with emotions, when someone cries in front of me, I almost feel like I am having a stroke-my brain goes into panic mode and just shuts down. I am really bad at comforting people, I usually just sit there staring at them or the wall awkwardly for a bit, I ask them if they'd like some water, then try to just carry on. I don't often get emotional in front of other people, but when I do I don't like people comforting me, I'd rather just quickly get over it and for everyone to pretend like nothing ever happened, so I tend to take that approach with other people.

Hi there! Welcome to the whacky world of the masculine brain!

I'm exactly the same way. And this is also the reason why I don't like dealing with other people's children, especially babies - if they start crying I get very anxious and don't know how to fix them. Even though I have two kids of my own.

Since I am currently living as a female, I feel like I have a higher standard to live up to; if I was seen as male, I don't think people would care as much if I seemed to be bad at comforting people.

This. This, this, thissity-this.

People expect women to be emotionally receptive and 'touchy-feely', so if they perceive you as being female they will indeed expect you to respond in a stereotypically female way. And in my experience, they'll feel safer to break down in tears in front of someone they perceive as being female, particularly if they themselves are female.

I've had the same problem my whole life: I have Asperger's (as well as being trans) so my responses are not at all what you'd expect for a female, and people have thought me 'weird' because they expect me to get all girly and sympathetic & stuff. Not that I lack empathy & sympathy - you've seen that in my responses to your posts about your hubby - but I can't just magically turn on the sympathy for subjects that aren't important to me.

You'll find as you go through your career that unless you're dealing with less personal matters (such as corporate law), your clients will almost always get emotional, simply because they're consulting a lawyer because something in their life has screwed up. Do you have an experienced colleague at work who you could talk to about this? Ask them for tips on how they deal with emotional clients?

[DriftingCrow]

You'll find as you go through your career that unless you're dealing with less personal matters (such as corporate law), your clients will almost always get emotional, simply because they're consulting a lawyer because something in their life has screwed up. Do you have an experienced colleague at work who you could talk to about this? Ask them for tips on how they deal with emotional clients?

I want to work in corporate law, I am mostly doing a lot of the business related stuff at the firm I work at now. I am in the Business Law and Finance Concentration at my school, and I am considering getting an LLM in that or tax if I think it'll help me get into the niche.

My coworkers seem to be just as emotionally distant as me, except for the one who deals with family law, but I think she just kind of fakes it because she likes to laugh at them when no clients are around. From what I've seemed to gather, the firm doesn't really have a reputation for being nice or sympathetic. I think people only come to us is because we're one of the oldest firms in the state and we deal with a lot of weird areas of law that no one else is really competent in.

I once read that about half of all lawyers are sociopaths, and that seems to fit quite a few of the lawyers where I work.

[FTMDiaries]

My coworkers seem to be just as emotionally distant as me, except for the one who deals with family law, but I think she just kind of fakes it because she likes to laugh at them when no clients are around. From what I've seemed to gather, the firm doesn't really have a reputation for being nice or sympathetic.

I once read that about half of all lawyers are sociopaths, and that seems to fit quite a few of the lawyers where I work.

Your family law colleague is probably using a form of gallows humour to help her get through the day. People in the medical profession do this too.

The practice where I used to work about 15 years ago was awful: the whole company was expected to celebrate (with champagne, no less) when one of the Partners managed to keep a client out of jail on a technicality, even though the client had bragged openly in our office reception about how he used to beat up his wife. I'm sorry, but I just can't celebrate that.

[DriftingCrow]

The practice where I used to work about 15 years ago was awful: the whole company was expected to celebrate (with champagne, no less) when one of the Partners managed to keep a client out of jail on a technicality, even though the client had bragged openly in our office reception about how he used to beat up his wife. I'm sorry, but I just can't celebrate that.

Luckily we represent the local police departments, so we only help them with prosecutions, and that's the extent of the criminal law we do. I wouldn't be able to celebrate that either--part of the reason why I am staying away from criminal stuff is because I don't want to be keeping bad people out of prison or putting the wrong people in prison.

[Epoch]

Ah, I know that feel. A good friend of mine's girlfriend fooled around with someone else at a party. He was drunk and walked down the street. My friend, me, and my brother went to find him. He was crying and telling us about their relationship in somewhat of a drunken rage. My brother gave him encouraging words, my friend was holding him up, there for him physically, and I just stood there, and I watched.


But, again, in retrospect, my brother's words of encouragement involved trash talking his girlfriend and the friend she fooled around with (the two got through this dilemma and are still together.) and my friend was vomited upon. Are the costs of supporting those in tears worth the benefits? I think not!

So let them cry. I am able to support those I am closest with when they are in tears, but not strangers, acquaintances or any other friends really. And remember, what people want more than anything while in that state, is support, not advice.

[tekla]

The only quality more useless in a lawyer than emotions are ethics.  (Though ethics hardly ever seems to be a problem anymore.  And since you said you were going into corporate law I'm sure you'll never encounter legal ethics ever again once your law school class in it is done.)  I don't want a lawyer who is emotional, I want one who is going to cut the heart out of whoever I sic them on.  And though it's often emotional for people to be going through legal matters, that does not make it your responsibility.  As people said above, let them cry. offer them some tissue and fake a nice somewhat sympathetic and deeply concerned posture and facial expression and strike the pose.  While you're faking your concern for them just calculate  - based on your fee and billing hours - just exactly how much money each and every tear is putting in your pocket.  You don't want to send them away, after all your meters running at their expense, so give them some time (well, sell them some time really and truly) and hope that after they finish up with you if they still have emotional needs to be met they go out and find a therapist or a hooker to console them (for less money per hour then you're charging them).

If your going to encounter a lot of it I'd suggest taking the time to work on that "somewhat sympathetic and deeply concerned posture and facial expression" in front of a mirror, or even doing a couple of sessions with and acting coach.  After all, they are training people to fake sincerity too.  And they are damn good at it too, because good actors sell that even when you know they are faking it.

So, they need a bit of 'support' - you need billable hours, so you're solving two problems at once.

[Kevin Peña]

I think emotions are useful in a lawyer. Being able to understand and empathize with people will make you better at not only reading folks, but being a gosh-darn good and nice lawyer that people will recommend. 

[anibioman]

im a robot to i find most problems people have are far to insignificant compared to my own so its hard to empathize.

[tekla]

I think emotions are useful in a lawyer. Being able to understand and empathize with people will make you better at not only reading folks, but being a gosh-darn good and nice lawyer that people will recommend.

Well, it's useful to understand them, but that's not the same as having them.  It's like it's a great asset to me in my job to have a wide ranging knowledge of musical tastes and stylings, but it's nothing but a liability to actually have any myself.  And nice?  What?  I'm not hiring a spiritual adviser or tour guide for a month in Tahiti, I'm hiring someone who - if necessary, and even if not - can destroy someone else's life, their family, their dreams, their business and their bank accounts and never give it a second thought.

And I agree with 'empathize', it's 'sympathize' that would be all wrong, as the first is understanding, the second is actually feeling.  That I understand (comprehend) why people like a certain kind of music, what they get out of it, what they want it to look like and feel like, what it MEANS to them, has absolutely no bearing on whether I find it good or not, and even less impact on it's meaning to me.  Like an actor has to be able to understand & empathize with someone who is deeply humiliated and embarrassed over some failure of modesty or decorum so they can portray that ---- being capable of being humiliated, or personally feeling embarrassment, or having anything even remotely resembling modesty or caring about decorum in the first place are all career ending deals in the acting profession.

A good lawyer - like a good medical doctor, or good university professor for that matter - is in a position where if you are emotionally invested in the outcome you've already lost.

And people recommend lawyers based on their winning cases, not by how nice they are.  It's like sports, perfectly encapsulated by the words of the great American philosopher Leo (The Lip) Durocher when asked why he couldn't be a nice guy for a change.
"Nice guys! Look over there. Do you know a nicer guy than Mel Ott? Or any of the other Giants? Why, they're the nicest guys in the world! And where are they? In seventh place! Nice guys! I'm not a nice guy – and I'm in first place." After pacing up and down the visitors' dugout, the Dodger manager waved a hand toward the Giants' dugout and repeated, "The nice guys are all over there, in seventh place."

[tekla]

im a robot to i find most problems people have are far to insignificant compared to my own so its hard to empathize.

I think I once felt like that, but that was long ago.  I pretty much find that other people have problems so vast, so huge, so terminal, so intractable that upon reflection I find I don't have any real problems at all so I have less than no need to be in a funk about anything and might as well go to the beach and drink beer.

[FullThrottleMalehem]

I also wanted to chime in that you're not alone. I also have this panic and "shut down" of the brain pretty much when I'm around crying people. It's weird because I'm a good listener and I'm in touch with my emotions but I really freeze up when others are crying. It's like I can't think of what the best and appropriate way to comfort them would even be and get overwhelmed then freeze.