Thank you all. Strange we should celibrate another day closer to the end of all, but is still nice to be made to feel good about it. I love you all.
Actually, birthdays and most holidays are generally my loneliest moments as they are times of reflection and review. Every year at this time I think about what I've done the last year, what I didn't do and what I could have done and what I will do about it all. A lot of it is disapointing, but the good part is that I learn from it all, good and bad, it's simply a matter of recognizing the bad, getting over it and moving on.
This year has been better then most. I have been spending most all of my off work time with my woman and getting to know her again. During our talks I realize how much I have been pushing her away for some years now while telling myself I was really trying to understand her side of it, but in actuallity was simply looking at her like she was some kind of ball and chain and thinking i would be so much better off without her.
The truth is I have missed her, the security and comfort of her when things aren't good for me. I really do believe she is trying and does understand I can be no different then I am, but I really do need to be less self centered and learn that one must give love to receive it. I'm bad about that, I'll move mountains to get what I want, but I have a habit of stepping on a lot of toes while doing so and at times dissasociate from the feelings of others.
Just feeling that there is something genuine under all that has gone on in recent years makes me feel good this year. I'm finally truely connecting to myself and ending the years of emotional surpression. I feel better about myself then I ever have and am finally coming together and beginning to forget or at least not think about before. Letting go.
Valarie, Your a charmer and I miss emailing the volumes back and forth. Hopefully soon, we'll start volume II, right now though, my time is best spent with my woman.
Deb, Thank you for the poem, I do relate to it and understand it. I do still cry at times though because I still do not know myself as I once thought I did so well. Things are increasingly different then they were and I must race to keep up with it all and understand the changes within myself and my life and I have so much new to learn about me and the world around me through different eyes and different feelings. I'm finally becoming human in the real sense. Finally. The titanium shell has finally cracked and beginning to peel off, letting in the fresh cool air, fragrance and warmth of the world.
Dennis, I have no doubt anymore there will be many more Bdays. I'm beginning to feel for myself what I saw in your eyes in San Francisco. Peace and love of life and self. Anymore, I really want to live and enjoy life as a gift and not a daily lesson in survival. Survival without love has no purpose so I choose to see the best in things these days rather then spend so much time dwelling on the horrors of it all. The past may have made me what I am, but the present is changing that.
At home, this Bday was a happy one, My woman and daughters all made me feel special and appreciated for all I did in past years, though I have been all so selfish in recent years.
I'm looking forward to the next few months, not simply for myself, but for the new relationships I have found in my woman and daughters and the new commitments between us. I'm beginning to really believe in a new white wedding.
To all who send thier well wishes and cheer, thank you and may your own Bdays be special and fulfilling.
Terri
