one of the most annoying things about being TG

[jonjon]

Apart from not having the right body outfit *grumbles* is when people fail to understand and don't even try to understand.

Or they'll criticize you for trying to be yourself and make you feel like it's a bad thing that you feel this way. Trying to make you feel bad for trying to feel comfortable in our own bodies.

If they cant understand and don't want to understand then why cant they just keep their big mouths shut and let me get on with it!?

I don't know whether i should just shut them out when they say such stupid things of which are accidentally hurtful.... or if i should lecture them on how i feel, and how what they say makes me feel.

[Tay]

Wishfire, I understand 100% how you feel.  I started a thread educating on the androgyne gender identity on another site.  I get probably 1 or 2 people a week that come out to me, thanking me for letting them find the word for how they've felt all their lives.  I get probably 20-50 people a week telling me to just "look in my pants and figure it out."

That is painful, to say the least and for people who insist that or a whole variety of other ideas about transgendered people, there is nothing you can do, but to ignore them and move on, in my experience.  Educating is good, but you'll know after only a couple of minutes if they care to learn.  You'll know by the questions they ask and in your heart.  If they don't, it may be best to write them off or avoid further discussion on the topic, even if that hurts. 

I do think, though, that it is not truly the fault of those who do not understand that they cannot seem to get it.  They have never experienced something of this nature.  Perhaps this is something easiest understood through personal experience or a close friend or loved one going through it?  I think that for a lot of people who are not transgendered, they have what seems to us an odd unawareness of their own sex and body--they take that for granted and for someone not to do so seems foreign to them.

*hugs*

I wish I could be of some real help.

[jonjon]

to be quite truthful, i wouldn't mind as much, but it's my mother who fails to understand. She's ok with my problem, blames herself deep down for it, I'm sure and punishes herself a lot, but on the outside she puts across to me that she's going to be there for me all the way and respect my decisions. Yet again, subconsciously, by failing to understand and not even wanting to understand she's not being supportive at all.

[Keira]

One thing I've noticed with mother's initially is that its all about them, their guilt, their failing, etc.
I had the same thing, Then I said to my mother that I'm the one with the issue here and I should be the focus, not her.

Sometimes, once you "refocus" them on you, instead of them, they actually can listen to you and finally be able to have empathy and compassion with out situation. At least it worked for me in the end.

Initially, my mother said she'd prefer I'd be suicidal than be a TS!!! That's how self-centered and egotistical she was at first. The embarassement of having a TS son was just too much for her.

[Tay]

The best thing I can think of for parents is to give her an essay I found on autism, of all things.

The essay can be found here.

The basic concept of the essay is that parents of autistic people mourn the death of the child who was going to grow up to be normal.  They mourn the fact that they "lost" that perfect, intelligent child.

What they fail to understand is that they never HAD that child to start with.  There was no perfect child to mourn.  There was an autistic child who was asymptomatic (not showing symptoms).

Likewise, with your mum, she's probably mourning the loss of her daughter.  She's mourning the loss of dreams like wedding dresses and baby showers.  My mum yelled at me for taking those dreams from her when she found out I liked women.  She'd been planning my wedding and planting flowers that she thought would look nice with my skin tones for my June wedding at home since I was 5.

What your mum is not realising yet, and may take her awhile, is that she never had a daughter.  Considering she changed your nappies, that's a hard concept for her brain to accept.  Give her a bit of time to mourn--parents need to do that, even if it's only the loss of THEIR dreams, not yours.  Maybe show her that essay about autism or summarise it for her.

If she is at least supportive, than I'm sure she'll come around.  Maybe never 100%.  But she will, after her mourning period, likely come around at least partially.

[gennee]

People will say what they will say. As far as a parent accepting you as you are, it will take time. It's a change for them as much as it is for you. Give her time.

Gennee

[Shana A]

My mom also had a hard time accepting me as transgender at first, but later came around and started asking me questions. Most people (not all) in my life have accepted me, but I've found that it often takes time and willingness to talk and listen.

To me, the most annoying aspect of being tg has been discrimination and also the affect that fear of transphobic violence has on my freedom of gender expression.

zythyra

[RebeccaFog]

Whatever you do, Wishfire, don't ever be anyone other than yourself.


Love,

Rebecca

[jonjon]

thanks Tay, that might help! ^.^

[Tay]

No problems, Wishfire.  There are obviously some parts of the essay that are not applicable, but if you wanted, I could even edit it for you so that those parts were removed or even edit it so that it said transgender and you could tell her after that this was a re-edit of an essay on autism. 

[seldom]

Apart from not having the right body outfit *grumbles* is when people fail to understand and don't even try to understand.

Or they'll criticize you for trying to be yourself and make you feel like it's a bad thing that you feel this way. Trying to make you feel bad for trying to feel comfortable in our own bodies.

If they cant understand and don't want to understand then why cant they just keep their big mouths shut and let me get on with it!?

I don't know whether i should just shut them out when they say such stupid things of which are accidentally hurtful.... or if i should lecture them on how i feel, and how what they say makes me feel.

I got into major fights about this.  They did not blame themselves at all.  My parents were VERY tolerant at first.  Then things quickly fell apart. 

I lectured them.  Over and over again.  Argued with them.  Tried to educate them.  They did not get it and told me the most bigoted things you can possibly tell some one.  Eventually they told me not to call and not to ever come over.

Then I wrote very nasty letters.

I never had a great relationship with my parents.  To be honest I am not very forgiving, nor do I tolerate any sort of bigotry or ignorance.  If they do not want to be loving and accepting, well they deserve to suffer, as is any parent who turns their back on their queer kid.  There is a special place in hell for parents who cannot come to love and accept their queer kids, especially the ones who cannot accept thier transsexual kids. 


I am not going to feel guilty over thier point of view, especially when I hold absolutely no value in that point of view. 

Those people that you are talking about in society that criticize us, and try to make us feel ashamed for who we are, deserve to be lectured extensively first.  If they cannot eventually understand they are best pushed aside and ignored until they finally get it, if they ever do.  Otherwise they deserve nothing for their ignorance and bigotry.  Because thier views hold no value.

I don't find it annoying.  I find it disgusting.  No one deserves to be criticized or feel ashamed for who they are, unless they are a bigot who cannot grasp human difference. 

Am I bitter over my parents...absolutely, but they do not mean that much in my life anymore, and I refuse to even listen to them at this point.  Every intolerant and critical word they write that tries to make me feel ashamed makes me want to talk to them less.  I know who I am, and I am not going to let them get in my way for what I NEED to do.