Ok. I know its been a while, sorry. Again I just haven't had the time to respond, but thank you everyone for your thoughts and encouragement.
JoanneB--I know exactly what you mean with the stages of grief. When I think everything is going to be ok, my wife will suddenly break down and show that it still upsets her sometimes. And even for me, there are times when I really FEEL the difference in the relationship and realize that I will certainly miss some things about being her husband. But in the end I know this is what I want to do and we both know that the transition is for the best, even though there are painful moments--I think we realize, in the end, that we are and always will be best friends.
And aleah, at this point I am sure that eventually we will both go our separate ways, just like that. I don't know if it will be sooner or much later, but I do know that, even though we are both still the best of friends and we have children together and this binds us together in certain ways, eventually we will both probably feel the need to move on to other relationships sooner or later. Its just a matter of who feels this first I guess.
Now more updates.
I did start hormones about three months ago now, and I really began to feel the effects of them around the month and a half mark. Not only was my chest sore, but--I don't know how to describe it--but its like I just started to feel more comfortable, less stressed, and just generally happier. Of course, my emotions have gone wild sometimes, even having VERY unexpected crying fits at times. But the thing is, I just feel more in touch with myself, my feelings, even my mind. Even the emotional highs and lows seem cathartic to me. I never used to cry before I began this. I would try, and just could not. I felt disconnected from people and just never wanted to bother with communication or relationships--ok I did want to--but I just felt so disconnected that I didn't want to. Does that make sense? lol Anywho--Now I feel like I am interested, empathetic, and just plain easier to focus. I don't really feel like I am explaining it very well. I just feel comfortable--like things are finally right in Laura's world.
That has carried on since. And as for physical changes, now that I am at the three month mark, I am happy to report that I nearly fill an A cup. I know this is fast, but I was pretty chunky before and--I'm not sure if I ever mentioned I had taken estrogen before but--I had taken a few months of hormones when I was a teenager, without a prescription, and then stopped when I became scared of my parents reactions when I started to notice changes--so there was a little something there to start with.
Also, four years ago, in the first year of my marriage I went from 145 lbs to nearly 200 lbs, I had remained at that weight up until about 6 months ago, when I first began to get serious in my mind about doing this. I have lost 60 lbs in the last six months from diet and exercise. I haven't been this thin since a little after high school. I was a size 38 mens jeans before, and now I am a size 9 womens, and sometimes can squeeze into a 7 looking good. I feel the exercise and diet has left me with a very nice figure to build on. I'm lucky to have big hips for a guy, I actually ended up with more of my mother's hourglass figure than my sister did I think. So I and every one that knows me have seen drastic changes in very little time. lol I'm very excited with it.
But going back to the mental and emotional changes--these have allowed me to become very close with my ex-wife's older sister, as if she were my own sister, actually. I have made other girlfriends through her, and so I have more help and support than I expected I would at this stage.
We live with my sister(-in-law) actually. We rent a few rooms from her, and this situation, as you can imagine, really had the potential to leave me stranded. I was never really close with my wife's family before, they are spanish and I just never wanted to be bothered with learning spanish, but I just feel so much more--like I want to speak with them and share myself with people--so I have even been learning spanish, with my sister's help. Like I said, we were never very close before, but I've just been trying to reach out to people, and I think they see that, and I've made a few new friends since.
Finally, on Halloween, I decided to dress publicly for the first time and try gauge whether people thought I was wearing a costume or not. My kids and wife were in costume, and I guess I was hoping someone would say, "How come YOU are not in costume, miss?" lol
That never happened, but nobody really gave me any strange looks or special attention, so I viewed it as a success.
All of my friends (many who didn't know yet that I was transgender) that saw me said I looked just like a woman, and a few even said they hadn't recognized me at first!
I saw my father and brother for the first time as Laura, which went amazingly well. My father was somewhat speechless at first--I mean, he was talking, but he was definitely trying to avoid the subject, still calling me by my male name, until my wife forced the issue and asked "Well, how do you think your daughter looks?" To which he said, "Oh she looks beautiful, I just can't understand how you can wear those heels!" lol. My dad's partner and my brother were both much more complimentary. We went trick or treating with the kids and then went out to dinner, and the evening was delightful.
Since Halloween, about a week afterwards actually, everyone in the house (wife, kids, sister-in-law, nephew, and brother-in-law) was informed as to what was going on with me. I began to dress full time at home and mostly full-time in public--I figured it might cause more complications (i think with other parents, not the school) than it was worth taking my son to pre-K dressed as a woman, since he will be starting kindergarden next year. But before Halloween, and since, I have been ma'amed pretty consistently in public, even when dressed in some of the manliest clothing I have--even a few times with the beginnings of a beard! So I decided it was time. lol Its been pretty nerve-racking at times, sometimes I feel that I am not walking right, and I'm soo stressed with conversation, because I can talk convincingly in short phrases or sentences, but if I have to say too much I feel like my voice gets worn out and raspy and deepens as I go! Plus I know my face looks pretty masculine still.
But I haven't had any issues so far. I have had some strange looks, and some guy was staring at me the other day, but for the most part people treat me as a woman and/or just go about their business. Also sometimes it can be hard having my son with me, calling me "Daddy" with abandon. Lol, but still even in those situations, no one has seemed to notice really. On that note, Mommy and I have tried to begin to transition the kids into calling me Didi instead of Daddy, and its gone pretty well, at 4 years of age, my son is pretty good at it remembering, but he forgets still. lol
However, not everything is so smooth. A few weeks ago, my father-in-law and mother-in-law came to visit. They live in Costa Rica, but they come and stay with my sister(-in-law) every once in a while--for 3 to 6 months at a time. I'll just say they're pretty set in their ways. Oh yeah, and they speak very, very, very little English--as in the father speaks very little and the mother speaks none at all.
So I went with my sister to the airport to pick them up. I was dressed as a man, as they had no idea yet and I had wanted to avoid causing any issues right away. We picked them up without a hitch and drove back home.
My sister told them later that day about me, and she told me that although they were shocked and concerned about my wife and the children, they wouldn't judge me--its my life. I, of course, asked my sister if she had let them know that I was committed to the children and still love their daughter very much. She said she had, so I was thinking everything was fine then.
Wrong. The next day I wore my normal clothes, my girl clothes. From the time I stepped out of my room, I could tell things were not fine. Both of them did not want to look at me, and my mother-in-law would stare at me and then look away when I looked at her. I tried to just act normal and I asked them if they wanted a smoothie, which I was making for myself, but I was ignored. lol
The next thing I know, my mother-in-law is in our room, basically interrogating my wife. I didn't understand everything, but I did understand, "Why doesn't he go live with his father or brother?" That made me pretty upset. Its what I feared the most, that all or part of my wife's (very tight-knit) family would try to convince her to just drop me.
Later, when my mother-in-law found out that I was upset, she did say she didn't mean to upset me, and that she didn't judge me (whatever lol). But to me, you don't say something like that if your ok with someone and not judging someone. You talk to someone about considering to kick someone out when you don't want that person there, plain and simple.
Since then, my mother-in-law's stress concerning me has been a recurring theme. My sister seems to have changed her viewpoint with me. Whereas as few days before her parents came, she was calling me Laura and told me I was her sister, and she'd be here to help me, now something seems to have changed. She hasn't called me Laura since, and for a few days after they came, she was pretty cold with me. When I talked to her about it she said her mom was really stressed to the point that she didn't want to be here, because of me. I asked her what I could do to help her feel better, because I didn't want to be creating any issues. She told me to go slower, to stop dressing as a woman for now--maybe just when I am going out. To come out to them slowly. I tried to let her know that to purposely go back into hiding again would be very difficult for me emotionally, but that I would. And I have. I dress androgynously, the only pants I have that fit me are women's jeans anyways, but I wear a men's shirt on top-large and baggy to cover my bra.
I feel like my sister has been ok since then, but just not the same really. She doesn't call me Laura. She's suddenly decided to return to the religion she (and I) grew up as: Jehovah's Witnesses. And she confessed to me the other day that she thought I could be fixed, if I wanted to be.
I love her because she has helped me out a ton, and I her. We've both been through a lot, and so we are very candid with one another, and I appreciate that. But it all just digs at me.
And still I'm always hearing about how this is so hard for my mother-in-law. They hold her as such a fragile thing, and I understand that she's old and has heart issues, but jeez, my wife's not even making a big deal, why the [insert expletive here] is she?! Different relatives have come by to talk to them about this, even a Jehovah's Witness pastor, who then tried to tell me I wasn't thinking straight.
The other day my mother-in-law's sugar dropped, and my brother-in-law accused me, that she was living in the house with me was the reason it dropped. There was a huge argument between him and my wife and my sister, which I only heard about later. He had asked me to talk to him outside before I was aware of the argument. And he basically told me that I have control over the relationship between me and my wife and that his mother-in-law is very stressed and that he doesn't let anyone say or do anything that hurts his mom.
I was confused with what he was talking about so I said something similar to, "Your mom is stressed every time she comes here. [My wife] tells me every time that she wants to go back to Costa Rica. Its nothing new. And [my wife] never finished high school, and never got even got her driver's license, so yeah, she has depended on me for everything. But she's trying, and I encourage her, because I think it is a great thing whether we were going to stay married or not, to learn to be independent now. She has a good job, shes taking high school again because she wants to go to college, and I'm taking care of the kids which we can't afford to put in daycare, so she can do this. And I'm also going to college, because I haven't been able to find a sufficient job in years. And once I'm done, I plan to continue to help her. We may not be husband and wife really anymore, but we're best friends."
Then he said, "So you already made your decision then. Ok, that's really all I needed to know."
To which I responded, "I don't know anyone that would be doing what I'm doing without, yes, making a decision, thinking things through for a long time."
And that was pretty much it. It happened a few nights ago. I'm still confused by it.
Anyways, seriously, my wife needs me. Her family is VERY third world and superstitious. Basically, they brought their daughters to the US, but raised their daughters to be wives, and nothing more. None of them even finished high school. My wife is the only one who actually aspired to be more, and it is actually her parents fault she never finished high school. She went 4 years and got a diploma, but she never realized until about a year ago when she tried to go o college that it was a "special" diploma because her parents never signed the papers to remove her from "special" classes after her English had improved well enough. So we'll just say my wife has issues with her family--I spend more time with them than she does in fact. She still has issues because they're often giving mystical, drugged out, or just plain bad advice--depending on which one of them you ask. lol So despite the fact that she would have tons of family to help if we did actually split, I hate to say it, but it's useless help--as far as I see.
Anyways I know this post is long, jumbled, and perhaps a little crazy, but what I guess I'm wondering is; Would it actually be better for me to leave? My wife says she wants to help me. I want to help her. I don't know where the hell I would go if I did leave. But I became so depressed a few days ago that I was considering it. Maybe my wife and kids would be better off? But I don't know. I wonder if I'm going to be forced out before long. Despite everything that's going on here, I feel closer to this family than my biological family. I would miss them terribly. I just can't help but get the sense that the parents are trying to influence their children to push me out, and that perhaps my brother-in-law was even trying to intimidate me.
So again thank you for your thoughts. Sorry my second post took so long (and is so long
).
