Finding myself doing things to sabotage my cover

[MellowMoxxi]

Hello all,

I am working my way up to coming out. I've known for so long that I am TG, but never had the courage to face it. I am in a relationship with a wonderful person making it even more difficult.

A few years ago I started getting panic attacks. I always covered it up with some excuse like "I don't like crowds" or "I'm worried about something at work." A few months ago, it started to get worse. I would have a panic attack and start slurring about random things.

I have noticed that my inhibition about hiding who I am is going away. I have started talking and acting differently when I don't intend to, and when I have a couple drinks it's as if I have went through a case. I do the same things as the panic attack and start going off on how I'm having strange thoughts and that I don't know who I am. I am aware of these things, although it hasn't gone unnoticed and I have been questioned about it a few times over.

I am losing control of my emotions. Everything makes me think about the life I should be leading, then about the amazing life I already have. Logically, the answer would be to keep the amazing life. I break down and have to hide away while I recover myself.

Getting back on topic. I want to be in control of coming out and I don't feel that I'm ready to just yet. I can control drinking alcohol, but I find the same behavior even sober. I feel that my emotions are taking over and it won't be long before I say something that will bring it into the clear. In the past I have taken pride in myself for being emotionally in control and stable. This is both confusing and upsetting.

Has anyone experienced this? I plan on telling my spouse that I am going to start going to a therapist of some sort, but does anyone have any thoughts or examples of how I can deal with this for the time being? I am aware that this is temporary, and I am going to pursue a therapist to work towards the next steps.

[Brooke777]

I actually had to come out to someone at work. It was shortly after I had started hrt. I was having a bit of a hissy fit, and one of the ladies at work asked me if I was PMSing or something. I shouted back "kind of, these darn hormones have me all worked up!!" Needless to say I had to explain that one.

In my opinion, losing control of your emotions is a benefit. I think it will help you come to terms with your decision to a degree that you will be comfortable coming out to others. Just by knowing that you might slip, will help you prepare mentally.

[Holly P]

Ellie -
Wow, you and I could be sisters!  For me the panic attacks were getting worse, and I had always said "Its's the crowds!".  In my situation I came out to my wife of 21 years about 6 months ago.  She is very compassionate and admits she doesnt understand, but has been helping me get help.  Opening up was the hardest thing I have ever done, but she was great.  (and I am better for it)  I am keeping a diary now and seeing a gender therapist.  I dont know where I will end up but I'm on a path to somewhere.  Remember, you are in charge of who you tell, when tell and how much you tell; you are in charge of your transition.  And be good to yourself, you deserve it!  Peace - Holly

[MellowMoxxi]

Thank you Brooke and Holly,

On a related topic, I had an interesting dream last night. My wife knew, and she was helping me figure out a way to tell my parents. No matter what we did they didn't seem to notice or understand. Even though it was a dream, I feel that she would be that way. I think it was the most vivid dream I have had in a while and made me more confident about the future.

On the other hand, lately we've been talking about how little my parents acknowledge my accomplishments which explains that side of the dream.

[Holly P]

Ellie
Looking back I wish I had come out ot the 'rents.  Long gone and too late for me.  That regret - and the opportunity to discuss my childhood left when they passed away.  Maybe think about making your dreams come true, no?  Just a thought. Holly

[MellowMoxxi]

When I do come out, I will be telling them. I have memories of my childhood I'd really like to ask them about and get their perspective, i.e. wanting to paint my nails with my sisters.

They are open minded people, we have a good relationship, and I don't think they would have much of a problem with it. The issue I have with them is that they look at me as relatively unspectacular and make it clear.

But the first order of business is actually telling my wife. She is by far the most important person in my life, and I have no doubt it will upset her as it would anyone.

[Beth Andrea]

Much of the angst of being unaware of one's TG/TS situation is because we actively suppress those behaviors that we believe are inappropriate...such as girlie behaviors for males, or manly behaviors for females.

As your mind (especially your subconscious) accepts your *real* nature, you will see more "inappropriate" behaviors "just coming out". Once that genie's out of the bottle, it just gets easier.

And far more difficult to go back into the closet.

I'd suggest going with it, accept the different behaviors, and when asked you can say, "I feel like playing a little" or somesuch.

Good luck!

[MellowMoxxi]

Thank you Beth Andrea. I'm glad you put it that way, it's very helpful and I'll have to remember that the next time I try to suppress myself.