For the longest time (14-19 years old) I thought that I was a guy. Not only that, I thought I had to do HRT (T in my case), had to do the surgeries. I thought that I had to want that in order to be trans*.
Back then, there wasn't a lot about anything but a specific way to be. I watched YouTube videos, I talked to other transmen, and got the same story. So I, of course, thought I had to want all those things too. So I put my femininity aside.
Eventually in late 2010 I started questioning myself again after meeting Genderqueer folks and realized that I really wasn't a transman after all. I did for awhile think maybe I was a cisgender womon, but realized that I wasn't a cisgender womon either.
I'm finally in an okay place with my gender. I do however still want to do HRT. Though I'm not able to get T right now easily. And I can't do natural transition because my body off of birth control just isn't good (and I already suffer from depression and can barely do much and without birth control I'd be doing even less). I'm hoping that with some talking with my doctors at Planned Parenthood I can figure out what's causing my body to be awkward without birth control and see if there's anything they can do before I see my regular doctor and talk to her about other things that I can do. I'm not sure when I'll actually get to medically transition, but it's something I want, but not as much as I thought I did back before I realized that I am in fact genderqueer and not a transman.
I'm just glad to know what my gender is (I don't call it "gender identity" just gender). It's good to know after so long.
