Holding on to dysphoria?

[Simon]

I think about this a lot. Being on the threshold of a full dose of T and surgery after all these years is a bit overwhelming. I know I have to do this and I feel strange for saying this but I think I am afraid of the possibility of being happy.

Is it possible that someone can get so comfortable in their self loathing and dysphoria that they don't know any other way to live? It sounds strange. I know and even I have a hard time understanding it. I think my dysphoria has become my scape goat. My reason to be stand offish and defensive.

It's almost like dysphoria has become my security blanket. The thing that keeps me alert and safe.

[Clay]

I think I know what you mean, and yeah, I feel similar, in a way. I'm not nearly as far as you are, but I think this prospect of being entirely comfortable with myself is holding me back nearly as much as some social considerations.
I know I'm not nearly living up to my capacity and sadly I feel like I settled into that, and that I'm really terribly scared to loose the one thing that I can use to justify it. I don't think that's a healthy state of mind though...

[DeeperThanSwords]

I think about this a lot. Being on the threshold of a full dose of T and surgery after all these years is a bit overwhelming. I know I have to do this and I feel strange for saying this but I think I am afraid of the possibility of being happy.

Is it possible that someone can get so comfortable in their self loathing and dysphoria that they don't know any other way to live? It sounds strange. I know and even I have a hard time understanding it. I think my dysphoria has become my scape goat. My reason to be stand offish and defensive.

It's almost like dysphoria has become my security blanket. The thing that keeps me alert and safe.

I think I understand. It seems perfectly normal to have lots of self-doubt on the verge of a huge step, especially a permanent one like surgery.

[Simon]

I think this prospect of being entirely comfortable with myself is holding me back nearly as much as some social considerations.
I know I'm not nearly living up to my capacity and sadly I feel like I settled into that, and that I'm really terribly scared to loose the one thing that I can use to justify it. I don't think that's a healthy state of mind though...

Exactly! What you described is a big part of it. I know for myself I have to transition fully but there is a part of me that says "then what". When you completely loose your trans visibility down to documents being assigned to the right gender then it's almost expected that you're ok now.

For instance, my gf has a couple with whom she is really close friends with. They've been bugging her to meet me for a long time. My gf knows how I am and will tell people that I'm not a people person. If she didn't have proof that I exist (pictures on her phone, texts from me, etc) her friends she has known for years would probably believe I was imaginary, lol. Once I am on a full dose of T and get to the point where I am comfortable with myself my gf expects (almost demands) that I get out and make friends. My dysphoria security blanket is going to be ripped from out under me in the next year. That is just one thing off the top of my head that I know will change that I'm not sure I am ready for or not.

[eli77]

That is... dangerous, man. Transition fixes ONE thing. That's it. You will still be as screwed up as any other random person off the street. And everyone is a little screwed up.

You have years of dealing with this stuff and all the associated suckiness is kind of a part of you now. I think it's really important to give yourself permission to be a little broken. That first time you go out with your gf's friends? It's gonna hurt a bit. It's gonna be scary and anxiety inducing, and you need to be okay with that. And to celebrate the fact that you can get yourself to do it at all (and you will get there). Not be freaking out over how messed up you still are.

The improvements won't necessarily come all at once. And some things will get better and other things won't. It will be a strange and confusing mix. Please don't expect to throw yourself in at the deep end (and don't let anyone do that to you). This is a process.

I think it's easier to let go of your security blanket when you don't feel like everything is going to be expected of you all the time, all at once. Maybe you need to have a conversation with your gf about this?

[Jamie D]

A very wise person  once said to me, "It's okay to not be okay."

We are all sort of messed up.  And by "all," I am talking about mankind, not just our little community here.

[tekla]

Being happy is a huge responsability. 

You lose your right to be a dick and blame it on something other than that you are just a dick .  You also lose your right to bitch and you will have lost all the sympathy you now get.  It makes you responsible for yourself.

[insideontheoutside]

It's a hell of a lot easier being self-loathing, especially once you've done it so long (usually most of your life) that it's like an old friend ... so "comforting" and familiar. New things are difficult to accept. And the feeling that you might actually be happy can be scary. Everyone else has already said some good things on this as well.

It will probably take some time to settle in that you've finally reached certain milestones that for so many years seemed like a pipe dreams.

[Jared]

Happyness isn't always safe. Or the way to happyness. But I think it's worth for. When I decided to start HRT and this whole transition thing I felt frustrated then ever. The beginning is always risky but I know I'm on my way and it's enough right now. Go for the changes man, you have one life. I hope it doesn't sound like YOLO, haha.

[Simon]

Happyness isn't always safe. Or the way to happyness. But I think it's worth for. When I decided to start HRT and this whole transition thing I felt frustrated then ever. The beginning is always risky but I know I'm on my way and it's enough right now. Go for the changes man, you have one life. I hope it doesn't sound like YOLO, haha.

Yeah, I'm going for it definitely. I leave tomorrow for the hospital and am having my hysto on Friday. T will start either Sunday or Monday.

[Simon]

Being happy is a huge responsability. 

You lose your right to be a dick and blame it on something other than that you are just a dick .  You also lose your right to bitch and you will have lost all the sympathy you now get.  It makes you responsible for yourself.

You have a crap way of trying to help someone. Your bluntness doesn't come off as being helpful at all and you seem like you vent your frustrations out on others.

I've never been a jerk and I don't look for sympathy. No, I'm not a social butterfly and not everyone has a way to adapt into the cis world.

Apparently your mama didn't teach you if you didn't have anything nice to say than don't say anything at all.

[Jared]

Yeah, I'm going for it definitely. I leave tomorrow for the hospital and am having my hysto on Friday. T will start either Sunday or Monday.

Great!  Good luck and recovering for the hysto! And congrats for starting T 

[Simon]

Great!  Good luck and recovering for the hysto! And congrats for starting T 

Thanks man, and congrats to you for almost 2 months on T! Your voice is probably starting to crack now, lol.

[Jared]

Thanks man, and congrats to you for almost 2 months on T! Your voice is probably starting to crack now, lol.

Thanks, yeah it started to doing strange things 

[eli77]

Yeah, I'm going for it definitely. I leave tomorrow for the hospital and am having my hysto on Friday. T will start either Sunday or Monday.

Best wishes. Hope everything goes well!

[mm]

Congraduation Simon on getting a hysterectomy, I know how you must be looking forward to have it done.  Keep us infor on how everything goes for you.

[blue.ocean.girl]

I think about this a lot. Being on the threshold of a full dose of T and surgery after all these years is a bit overwhelming. I know I have to do this and I feel strange for saying this but I think I am afraid of the possibility of being happy.

Is it possible that someone can get so comfortable in their self loathing and dysphoria that they don't know any other way to live? It sounds strange. I know and even I have a hard time understanding it. I think my dysphoria has become my scape goat. My reason to be stand offish and defensive.

It's almost like dysphoria has become my security blanket. The thing that keeps me alert and safe.

Wow. I know this is slightly late, but I have to say this is EXACTLY how I have been thinking lately. For me, I feel like I have been having an easier time than I used to in social situations and have been able to make friends more readily. Basically I have felt like I was caring more about reaching out to others--I actually wanted to--than I used to. But I have had such a difficult time--basically my life falling apart b4 my eyes--the past three weeks that I notice I seem to be going backwards, like things don't come as naturally, I have to work harder to pass and I just don't care. Its like I have returned to being like stone, because I know being cold and emotionless and hating the world... it dulls the pain inflicted by those around me, because I am detached from everything. But then the dysphoria starts inflicting pain from the inside out.  Just suffice it to say, my worst fears EVER have come true now, it has been extremely upsetting and stressful, more so than I have ever experienced, and I've just imploded onto myself as a result. I usually say my male personae was actually just a shell of a person--me suppressing myself--which is actually difficult to go back to--difficult to suppress my true self--now that I have taken large steps forward. But in one night, one horrible night, I seemed to have just suppressed it all, I've imploded, because it hurt so bad its like my mind had no other recourse--I can deal with it under the stonefaced mask I've been buried under for 20+ years, but I can't deal with it now--a woman newly exposed to the world... I used to have thoughts of suicide when I was younger, but I dealt with that by, instead of literally killing myself, killing myself on the inside... and I feel I've suddenly, without meaning to, gone back to that, so that on the outside I am impenetrable.

I'm sorry, I did not mean to go overboard with my comment here and seem like I'm begging for attention or sympathy.  Just wanted to try an express how true Simon's comment rang for me, especially right now. Dysphoria, for me, is definitely a security blanket. One I try to throw off, but for some reason keep picking back up.