Boxing Day and general miserableness

[akitokitoast]

So on Boxing Day my mum's parents are coming for the day to give us presents from them and our aunts and spend time with us and stuff.

And I really like them because they're cool and clever and interesting and my favourite grandparents ever.

But the thing is my grandma has this thing with her brain because she's old, I don't know what it's called. Cognitive degeneration something (??)

And because of this thing she can't ever remember my name or my pronouns and so she always calls me by the wrong ones.
She really wants to get it right, but she can't.
And if anyone points it out she just gets upset because she feels bad about it.

And so the thing is even though i love them and everything and want to spend time with them, Boxing Day is going to be awful and put me in an awful upset mood and it's stressing me out and that stress is going to be even worse on Christmas Day and I just don't want my christmas to be...I don't know, not 'ruined' but like... considerably less enjoyable anyway.

The worst bit is that T know she wants to get it right and she loves me and I love her and it's not her fault at all.

Like if her brain was fine and she just hated me and wanted to hurt me then it would be much easier to deal with because I could just be angry in my head and throw insults at her but I can't because its not her fault.

tbh i'm kind of mentally writing off christmas already and i don't want to because its my favourite holiday ever ever better than birthdays but
i think it's kind of going to be crap

I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have any suggestions of how to deal with this? I have to spend all day with them, I can't just disappear into my room. But I don't know how to deal with it, because I'm fortunate enough to have supportive parents and a good school so I hardly ever hear my old name (it was very uncommon) or get called by the wrong pronouns, and when I do it's just like being punched in the gut. It's the exact same feeling.

[AdamMLP]

I don't know if this will help at all, but I'd just be thankful that she knows who you are, because so many people with degenerative illnesses like alzheimers and dementia forget who people are, and who they are. They start calling you by your fathers name, or their husband etc because they forget the recent things but can remember the old stuff in their memory. I don't know exactly what your grandmother has, but just be thankful that she's around and knows who you are, even if she doesn't address you the right way. I think my grandfather is starting to loose his mental capacity a little, but unfortunately I've cut him out a lot because he's full of homophobic and racist beliefs (he turns the tv off if there's a gay couple on and is constantly complaining that foreign people are on his tv and should go back to heir own channels). I wish I could stomach him more because he practically brought me up, and I might not have so long left with him, but I can't.


Everyone calls me by female pronouns because I'm not out, and the way I deal with it is remembering that they know the real me, I'm not putting on an act or anything, but they just put a different label on me. Everything they know is right, but they make a little mistake when referring to me, so it's not such a big deal. That's how I can cope with my girlfriend thinking I'm a lesbian, she knows the real me, but just sticks an 's' in front of 'he' when thinking about me. It's not deliberate, she just doesn't know, but she does know the real me still. I'm not sure if that makes sense or is helpful, but it's just how iI think about things.

[tvc15]

Dude.... she gets a pass for having a neurological disorder... plus she's your grandma and is otherwise supportive. If she's the only one who does it, and you know it means a lot to her that you're happy, then that's all that matters and you shouldn't take it personally, nor keep trying to correct her. It's not going to stick, unfortunately.

In the early stages of transition this stuff can sting but you're going to get to a point where it won't even knock you down a peg. A month or two ago my own grandma called me "she." She's perfectly healthy and mentally sound, and supports me 100%, but let's face it, we don't see each other often and she's spent a lot more time in her life calling me "she" than "he." If this happened a year ago I'd let it ruin my entire day, but I was relieved when this  time around it didn't faze me in the slightest. Not everyone that mixes up pronouns is doing it maliciously, or because they really read you as female, or whatever. Take this time to be around family you love and don't sweat it so much if someone messes up pronouns.

[Kreuzfidel]

I agree with tvc - it's not going to affect you forever.  Bear with her and appreciate that she's still with you.  I lost my own grandma this year to Alzheimer's and wouldn't have cared if she called me "it" or thought I was an ape.  I know how hard being misgendered can be, but I just personally prioritise what's more of an impact on me - being misgendered or not seeing my loved one who won't be around forever.

[aleon515]

I agree that she is NOT going to get it and she won't be with you much longer (or at least aware that much longer). I think that cognitive dysfunction is a precusor to Alzheimer's. But I did have an idea. IS there anyway you could have some kind of tag that says your name?
Of course it would have to be largish I think. It might actually help her and make her feel better. These kinds of disorders are very distressing to those who have them.

--Jay

[Berserk]

This is just something you have to deal with, imo, and I think just be happy that she even knows and is making an effort. My grandmother has severe alzheimers. She's at a stage where every time she sees me her memory is so erased that she thinks I'm still a little kid and calls me by the old nickname she had for me when I was barely 3 or so years old. She even thinks her own children are still children, forgets the death of her own father and no one can even tell her that her sister has passed away.

It might "hurt" if it was something she could control...but its not, and I know that even fathoming telling her would just confuse and hurt her more. It's one of the most horrible things a person can have happen to them, to lose that kind of dignity/the slow decline of memory. So if her condition makes you feel miserable then just imagine her pain as slowly everything she knew slips away and she grows more afraid because she knows on some level what's happening to her but doesn't quite no what's wrong. My grandmother is at the point where she is almost like a child because many times what she remembers is that she is a child...or refuses to eat at all because she thinks she just did, or can't go to the bathroom because she barely even realises it, or gets upset with people because she can't remember names, faces...knows she should know and hates herself for not knowing. That is a world of pain right there.

Various forms of memory loss/cognitive disorders often get worse over time. In time to come this could be happening to your grandmother as well. Just cherish the fact that despite all that, that you had the chance to tell her this, that she knows it, that she is still supportive and loves you even if she forgets sometimes for reasons beyond her control...that it even bothers her that she forgets. I don't mean to be an ass but to me its like...well...just think about what she is going through. There are far worse things in the world than a grandmother that loves you.

[aleon515]

Yeah when I said a precursor to Alzheimer's-- means it is pretty much guaranteed to get worse. My mom had this. Started off with different kinds of memory problems probably at the level your talking about. It only got worse. She never forgot who we were, but I can't imagine she would get something like transition. She couldn't figure out quite why/where I came from. She could repeat it and then forget it just like that. Cruel cruel condition.

OTOH, things like labels, albums, and so on, really help people with this condition. Not to cure them by any means. But to help them tie their experience together. I actually think she would be happy with a name tag or something if you could figure out a cool way of doing this. OTOH, you wouldn't necessarily hope that it would always work.



--Jay