Hello everyone, the username is ME, just so that is known. Granted, the name currently on my credit card looks like Leslie Robert instead. I am planning to correct that in the new year (just as soon as I can arrange it).
I am female, I am stuck in a male shell unfortunately.
But I have a slight variation on the usual deal, in that, I am dual minded (I like dual minded as I am not sure multiple personalities is clinically accurate at the official level of that term).
I share the body with Leslie Robert, who is still ok with being Leslie Robert, it's just that I am not ok with being in his body.
The snag is I am married, and Leslie is ok being married and considers his marriage license to be akin to his word, and unlike so many in society, he'd rather die than fail to live up to his word. And that of course leaves me in the lurch, as I am ok with a man willing to die to protect the worth of his word. I guess it is one of the few things I like about him.
I have been married 26 years now. Most of the early years were cliche good ones. But I am disabled, with fybromyalgia, and it has been a massive burden on my life and all those in it since 1994. So it has not been an easy marriage. And now this enters my life in recent time. My being transgendered even if my other self isn't. Most marriages would end up about the same way as they do when caught cheating. That my wife is still with me is great, although I KNOW it is not easy for her.
I have a son, he's 18, and he's the best human I have ever known. He reduced me to tears on my 50th birthday with something he had written for me to read on his computer. It was a level of acceptance I always hope to be worthy of. Suffice it to say, anyone hurting my son has put themselves in great danger.
Anyway. My other half, Leslie, he's a cliche man of his era, unfortunately for me. I mean, I'm living with a feminist nightmare. The woman's place is in the home, in the kitchen and raising children. June Cleaver basically. Leslie would rather kill himself than hurt a female. Leslie WILL hurt a man if he hurts a female in his presence. Leslie thinks the world of women, he's just old fashioned.
It's not easy living with him though. Disability has killed his sense of worth, all accept his use as a man. Which is about all he thinks he's good for now. Which makes him a total nuisance. Ok I am assuming most women consider horny men a nuisance most mornings. I know I do. But life is give and take, and you never get something for nothing. Leslie does his 'man thing' in the morning, and then he leaves me. Some days though it feels like he's dumping me. It's not easy feeling like you've been dumped and going through it day after day. But, the moment he's done, well he's gone, and the day belongs to me. Bath time, and lots of bubbles and then some nice ladies bath soap, my current fav bath body spray, and some perfume and I feel a lot better. Sadly that is about all I have to work with though. Wish it was more. But, I also need to attend to the wife's own comfort zone.
I tend to be the person that runs the home. Ok I do everything but garbage/recyles (that's the son's chore) and laundry (which is the wife's task). I cook half the meals, and I do the baking, and I do the dishes, the bathroom, I vacuum, I mop the floors. I am the person that basically runs the place. I am the grocery shopper. I see to it clothes are bought. I manage the finances, and I see to the entertainment needs. It's not like I want to do everything. But I like it getting done too. As I see it, I am the wife around here. The wife does a good husband imitation
And any married woman here likely knows what I mean. And yes I know, sounds stereotyped. But considering I am basically stuck on both sides of the fence, well I actually get exposed to both angles too. Yes, I HAVE been there basically.
And more than a decade of ill advised and poorly planned poorly thought out mismanaged depression meds have sure ensured my wiring is a mess. Not that I blame them for the situation I find my life in. Hindsight being what it is, I know there is a lot more to my life than that.
I am unsure of the term required. I know that female hating is called mysogynist. So what is the term for male hating? Because one of my current major problems is I am a seriously dedicated man hater. I seriously hate men. Too much history background, too much knowledge of religion. And in general, too much awareness of the way men think. I have a daily battle to keep my hate under control. I hate men enough, I have come close to wanting to kill Leslie for some of his behaviour. Yes I know, that is a lose lose scenario. The thing is, I just plain loathe the male gender enough to not wish to be in one.
My life is not easy. It is a lot more than just learning how to convert. My situation is not just a chemical one.
I do know this much, if I could snap my fingers, and presto magically be 100% female, even if I had to be a 50 year old female with a body is lousy condition, I'd be in need of help restraining myself. My wife is the only person that could stop me from doing it. I'd rather be a lesbian that's for sure.
I hope this overly long post has been ok. I tend to hate to need to redo things, better to get it all said, and then be able to move on to other things.
So how did I even get here you ask? I was told about the site by a friend that clearly likes your site, as having your link in her blog is a good indication you are liked
I say 'her' as she likes it that way. She's a youngun to me, 33 and a parent so she knows a lot of life too. She has the pleasure though of making the trip. Shes a MtoF TG.
I had the experience of finding another site, the top Google response actually. It was great for a month until it blew up in my face. I thought I had discovered heaven only to discover it was anything but. I ain't naming names, as that is likely not appreciated here. But my grief came served up by the only people to be unfriendly to me, and that was at the hands of the site management. And I sure was shocked to find out I had not cut it with them. I was fortunate though to meet some great people before I got told to piss off by some nasty mods. Otherwise my being here would not have been possible.
I don't have a mean cell in my body. But alas I am a true aries (not that astrology means anything to me really). But I seem to match the cliche. Blunt and courageous, all the compassion of a rock
Blunt alright, no reading between the lines with me ever. I am unafraid to speak my mind, but I WILL apologize when I have said something stupid that I never meant to do harm though.
Yes I read the rules agreement before registering. I hope I stay within the boundaries. That IS my desire.
I will take it as a personal attack if someone moderates me out of hand without asking me first what I meant if something comes out sounding wrong. I greatly dislike being moderated unfairly. Might as well just say that in advance. Yes, I KNOW this site is a privilege. I hope I am worthy to be here. I hope I get to be friends with everyone. I sure need some that I can talk to about all the problems I am experiencing.
I have more education than I can write down and not sound like an arrogant total swine, but none of it is worth a damn in helping me cope with being TG.
