Why am I even...

[muuu]

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[Emily Aster]

My stepmother's a bodybuilder, easily tougher than any man I've ever met except maybe my father, but she is still feminine and doesn't get grief for it. There is hope. It might not be everything you dreamed of, but what ever is?

I need to move to wherever you are. I could deal with $330.

Not all gg's have wide hips. Take a look at Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary, or Michele Pfeiffer in Scarface. I just watched both of them yesterday, so they're fresh in my mind.

Is there a trade you could learn at home that would help you earn more money and doesn't cause you grief? I'm in programming and there are a ton of jobs where I'm at in Java and web development. You don't have to spend a dime other than the cost of internet to learn them. There are very good free tools for it and a lot of jobs might say they want a degree, but if you can prove experience, like by bringing sample code with you, it works just as well.

We all have things we don't like about our bodies, but we have to learn to accept ourselves, faults and all, before we can expect others to.

[muuu]

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[Alainaluvsu]

To be happy you need to have certain things... Be able to express yourself as who you are, not creating another shell to hide behind.

You don't have to look a certain way in order to express yourself. You seem to want to be the ideal beautiful woman, and honey, most cis women aren't that. Again, almost everybody hates something about ourselves, yet billions of people walk out into the world and do their own thing daily. I hate my nose but it doesn't stop me from going out into the world.

The self pity is only going to work against you. It seems to me that you only get on here to complain about yourself to get attention, and to be perfectly honest at times it comes off as if you're insulting us all. Most of us on this site don't have perfect hips. Most of us on this site don't have a perfectly passable face. Most of us on this site don't have narrow shoulders, rib cage, etc. Are you saying we shouldn't be happy with ourselves? Are you saying what we do is pointless because people will not think of us as females just because some, if not all aspects of us aren't perfect? Cuz I tell you, I transitioned because I want people to see me as female, and if they aren't... wow that's a bummer!

Honey, check out the "How You Know You Pass" thread in the RLE section of this forum ( https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,117457.0.html ). I bet many of those girls (myself included) don't fit your description of passing that you put on "yourself". You know what? My rib cage is pretty large, my hips aren't that much wider than my waist, my jaw looks funky from certain angles, my nose is big, I have a butt chin, I have fat fingers, etc ... but I HAVE passed in front of even transsexuals, while hanging around OTHER transsexuals! Stop beating the crap out of yourself, and pretty much everyone else in here along with you by saying it's hopeless and you'll never be happy because you don't look "real" or whatever.

I know this falls on deaf ears, but get some help already. You're bringing me down and I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one!

I'd also like to add: I dare you to post a photo of your face and body. I'm willing to bet if you did everyone else on here would want to egg you for being so hard on yourself, and vicariously insulting many of us who probably aren't as "passable" as you.

[muuu]

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[michelle]

Most of us, transgenders can not look like Ken or Barbi.    Nor should we want to, even though Ken is a perfectly formed transgender male just as he is.    For a transgender female is all about becoming a female and not male.    In reality if we have a poor self image of our male body, we will still have a poor self image of our female body.   The happiness comes from not being male.

Danny De Vito and Rita Pearlman are two very successful people who seem to be happy with their self image,  at least from my million miles away vantage point, and in appearance are as far from Ken and Barbi as you can be.   

Your financial ability to pay for your changes are available to you now,  they may not always be there.    What is it that you really want to do?    If you decide on surgery and hormones you do have some choices that you can make in your self image.   The rest will take hard work and make up.  But we all become older and good looks become a thing of the past,   so finding  the positive about ourselves and self acceptance are the biggest gifts we can give to ourselves.

[A]

You're probably exaggerating, as always. MOST transsexuals, including the 40+ ones, will pass after a while on HRT. Some need FFS, but most don't.

I can't be stating facts because I haven't seen you, but you have a really low chance of needing FFS to pass, at your age. And your chances of not passing despite FFS are... negligible.

So unless you're the most unlucky person on Earth, I doubt it. You will look like a woman. And you will grow to like, or at least tolerate, what you see in the mirror. The only three conditions are to eat properly, to see a therapist and to keep on with HRT.

And besides, I don't know about you, but even if I was going to end up ugly, unpassable, masculine... I'd still prefer to be "that ->-bleeped-<-" over being "that guy". And you're overestimating how mean people are.

Look, for a while now, I've been a weird, airhead, always late, confused, androgynous being. Seriously. People gender me male or female at pretty much a 50 % rate. And people talk to me. And no one ridiculed me. And I'm not exactly beautiful. Actually, the only two people who've complimented me on my looks were in love with me. Love which, of course, began over the Internet, before they could see me.

They think I'm weird, and I'm not exactly everyone's best friend, but I get along with most people, and they even spontaneously come to me for help with homework, sometimes.

So far, I think it's happened twice that people laughed in my back, or discussed my gender. Twice, in over a year. And I'm not even trying to transition right now. My HRT dose right now is pretty much equivalent to nothing, and I'm still wearing half guys' clothes (and my girl's clothes could actually very well be guys', actually).

Seriously. Whether you like what you see in the mirror is partly questionable, since you're so self-hateful and delusional. But that's up to good will and therapy. But whether you pass as a woman... Unless you show me a picture to prove your point, I'll be considering that as highly likely; quasi-certain with surgery.

[Kevin Peña]

Listen, you won't know anything until you actually go through anything, so just hold off on all of the self-deprecation. You are lucky to have your finances covered, at least. Please relax; if there's one thing I can't stand, it's someone harshing my mellow. I'm sure you'll be a beautiful lady; there is always at least on thing that is beautiful about any lady.

Cool down, girl.

[Sadie]

Okay Muuu.  Uhm yeah I just looked at your pictures on page 7 and I hate to break it to you but...I can now say with certainty your doubts are totally in your head. You will have absolutely no problems passing as far as looks go, you are at a great starting point and you haven't even given the hormones time to do their work. Trust me I am not blowing sunshine here you look great and will pass.  This is a total lack of self confidence on your part.

[Alainaluvsu]

Okay Muuu.  Uhm yeah I just looked at your pictures on page 7 and I hate to break it to you but...I can now say with certainty your doubts are totally in your head. You will have absolutely no problems passing as far as looks go, you are at a great starting point and you haven't even given the hormones time to do their work. Trust me I am not blowing sunshine here you look great and will pass.  This is a total lack of self confidence on your part.

I did the same and I agree. Let hormones work for more than 3 months before hyperreacting to something that isn't there. I don't just say stuff to make people feel better either and I normally don't even comment on whether people pass or may pass on this forum.

This is the last time I'm posting anything related to this about you. Take it for what it's worth.

[DeeperThanSwords]

I think we all have times of doubt. Try to chill out, it's early days.

[Ms Bev]

1.) Why am I even trying to transition, it's just pointless.

2.) I hate looking like a man, I hate it and I can't stand it. I hate myself for looking like this, and I don't want to stop hating myself for it... Because I need a "normal" female life to be ever happy, without compromises.

3.) there's no hope, nothing will change, I will remain as this huge disgusting man.

4.) So why can't I just be strong enough to end it all

Clever screen name, Mu.  Negativity.  Here goes:


Okay....even though this is a vent post, I'll comment.  Number 1.) If  you can live without committing suicide, or obsessing constantly, making your life a mess, then my advice is to not transition, stay ouot of ts chats, and get on with your life.

2.) "I need a "normal" female life to be ever happy, without compromises" tells me Number 1.) is not an option?

3.) You WILL change on hrt, no matter what.......which is a very important note, because if after enouogh hrt you decide to live as a man, you will be a ridiculous looking man.  That's for you, me.....all of us.

4.) I know you mean it a different way, but so many of us DO, tragically,  end it all.



So....most human skeletons are remarkably alike in many respects.  You would be surprised what you would look like if you were close to an appropriate bmi.  I happen to have some ts friends, who have very large hands.....very large feminine hands.  Work with what you have been dealt.

Finally, this is the hardest bitch of a thing a 'man' has to do with 'his' life.  It's a crazy, one-way roller coaster.  If you ride, then enjoy as much of the wild ride as you can.

[A]

I read that you'd posted a picture, so I looked through your post history and found them.

After having seen those pictures, my reaction to you not thinking you will ever look satisfactory can be nothing but the following:

LOL.

No, seriously. Cognitive distortions. You're taking small things and making them huge. Like a deforming mirror. And trust me, even in my girlfriend I was able to go scratching for little details... for a while, before the pink-coloured glasses kicked in.

Anyway, scratching, scratching, scratching, everything I can scratch out doesn't even make up a mound that HRT would have trouble blowing away.

[muuu]

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[Saffron]

Note 4: If I was a guy, I wouldn't look disgusting, I do look ok as a guy I suppose... But I hope you get my point...

Before starting transition I had the same thought. Then I realized that I prefer to be an ugly woman rather than something I'm not.

And remember, we are our own worst critic.

[O_O]

Why am I even trying to transition, it's just pointless.

...

Note 5: And yes, this is just a 'vent' post.

You have too much free time on your hands.  Too much time to sit around and find fault with yourself / dwell on your fears.  You need to find something to take up your time like a job.  Being on disability and not having a job probably adds to your feelings of hopelessness because you are dependent / rely on others and limited to what you can get from them instead of being independent and having more options, instead of being able to set and work on goals.

Life is a thing.  Some people work for the day when they can live, they sweat and sacrifice, looking forward to when they will have a life.  You have to live in the here and now in order to be alive.  It is a delicate balance.  Working towards your goals can give you a sense of direction and fill time that would otherwise be spent uselessly imagining limitations and fears.  Life is pain and life is uncertain.  You have to find joy in the moment, maybe not every moment but I think you know what I mean.

You can feed your fears, you can let your fears rob you of your hope.  You can depend upon others and feel like a victim.  Life can be scary and uncertain.  You can hide from your fears and never do anything or you can know the exhilaration / freedom of overcoming your fears.  In my own experience transition seemed most scary when I was avoiding it.  The rest of the time it was a blast!  I feel like I should remove everything I said except that last bit of truth so you don't miss it.  But instead I will copy and past it in red.

In my own experience transition seemed most scary when I was avoiding it.  The rest of the time it was a blast!

[O_O]

The most successful people I have ever known weren't very amazing or even very interesting.  They simply did what would lead them to success.  They could have let their fears overcome them.  They could have focused on the futility of it all... except they weren't that smart.  They weren't smart enough to psychologically sabotage themselves like that.  No... instead they just worked on getting there.  They lived their lives and each day they were another day closer to their goals.  The lived in the meantime.

They weren't smart like us.  They didn't get up in their heads and fret about all the uncertainty.  They were like clock work, tick tick tick... working towards their goals.  Not so cleaver as your or me.  It always amazes me how soon they were able to accomplish their goals.  Chop wood, carry water...  They seemed so unimaginative, so shallow and yet they are living their dreams.  And here am I, in awe.  Wishing I had done the same.  Wishing I hadn't spent so much time worrying and being a prisoner of my fears.  And yet I managed to transition anyway.

What about you, it looks like you at least have a 16 year head-start on me and from the looks of things it will be a lot easier for you to pass.  Did you remember to feed your fears today?

[muuu]

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[Alainaluvsu]

I know I said I wouldn't post again on this matter... but after looking in the mirror so I could see what I look like in a particular shirt without a bra... it kinda dawned on me that breast growth works to counteract the visual effects of a large rib cage. I figured I'd throw that out there, but I'm sure you'll shoot it down somehow...

and in doing so probably make me feel worse about myself too.

[A]

You know, uhm.

Female with male face = whoa, that guy has a girly butt. Wait, what?

Female with male body (assuming there are breasts at least) = Poor girl, she has no curves at all.

If the face is okay, and the body has the most basic sign of feminity (breasts), you get gendered female. The face is very important compared to the body.

Besides, women gain weight in the hips, butt, thighs and breasts. Gain weight while your fat deposit pattern (=hormone level) is female and your hips will increase. Increase the hips, butt, thighs and breasts, each by even just a small bit, and you'll see great improvement. Add flattering clothes and bingo, your body looks female.

And you can't shoot that down. You're only 2.5 months into HRT, and haven't even tried gaining more weight than the minimum necessary to put you in the very lowest slice of the healthy weight range. You're terribly underestimating the effects of HRT combined with a little more fat in the right places. And the fat -will- go to the right places. Women who have a lot of fat in the belly, according to me, either gained it so unhealthily, so fast, that it just wasn't given a chance to go where it was supposed to, either have not-so-female hormone levels. But look, your hormone levels are being artificially put in the right range. If you gain the weight gradually and your hormone levels are securely held at totally female levels, your fat -will- go to normal female places. I'm almost sure of that.