I finally did it...

[DriftingCrow]

I finally told my husband I want a divorce.

Ugh, now it's time for mud throwing. He vows he'll do things amicably, but only if I agree to take liability for his student loans...all $75,000 worth.

**bangs head into the wall**

I am going to have to talk to the attorney at work, I know I am not the best wife, but I don't think I deserve to take on that much money. I am not going to be too sympathetic in front of a judge though (the attorney said that herself), since he's been in the hospital for over a year, and has no income. I kind of look like the cold and heartless wife who's dumping him and moving onto better things.

The thing is, he has what I consider to be a great med-mal case, he'd at least get a great settlement, and all that money would take care of his student loans, plus give him a nice financial cushion for years to come. I told the attorneys at work a bit about it, and they're all drooling to talk to him about taking his case, but he refuses to sue anyone. It's ridiculous...

Ah... the drama. Kids, don't make the same mistake I made. Get a pre-nup if you're ever even thinking about getting married!

(just me venting)

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

If the student loans are in his name, they are his and his alone.

[Kevin Peña]

What a jerk!

By the way, I think you may have been looking for this: 

[spring0721]

Learned hand, good for you for telling him! I'm sure that in itself is a load off your shoulders.  I don't know what state you're in....but I went to law school in TN.  Obviously if you work with lawyers in your state they'll be able to guide you.  Here it depends on if he aquired the loans during your marriage, whatever amount he aquired during the marriage you could be liable for 50% of that amount .  I say this because sometimes if you are married while taking them out you both sign for them.  Is your name on any of his loans?  However if he is getting a medical settlement while you are married you also should be entitled to half of that.  Obviously you could agree to take on more than half his debt but I don't know why you would.  Also it should be vice versa if you have student loans taken out for you during the marriage.  I hope it all works out.  Divorces can be messy, but much less so when children aren't involved! Don't be too nice, or you could be paying (literally) for it years from now! Good luck to you.

[DriftingCrow]

What a jerk!

By the way, I think you may have been looking for this: 

Thanks Diana, I really need that wall!

Learned hand, good for you for telling him! I'm sure that in itself is a load off your shoulders.  I don't know what state you're in....but I went to law school in TN.  Obviously if you work with lawyers in your state they'll be able to guide you.  Here it depends on if he aquired the loans during your marriage, whatever amount he aquired during the marriage you could be liable for 50% of that amount alone.  However if he is getting medical settlement while youare married you also should be entitled to half of that.  Obviously you could agree to take on more than half his debt but I don't know why you would.  Also it should be vice versa if you have student loans taken out for you during the marriage.  I hope it all works out.  Divorces can be messy, but much less so when children aren't involved! Good luck to you.

I am in a equal distribution state (I am pretty sure anyways, it's RI). From what I understand (I am in law school in MA but haven't taken family law and haven't done any work in family law at the firm I am in now), all of our pre-marital stuff is separate then everything post marriage needs to be distributed equally depending on what's fair under the circumstances. His loans he took out prior to us getting married, and his dad cosigned. I have about $5,000 in student loans prior to getting married (yay for scholarships!), but now owe an astronomical amount since starting law school.

I honestly don't mind helping him out financially, I just don't want to be stuck with his student loans.  I just looked on my creditkarma, and they estimate that if I take on his loans my credit score will drop 26 points. I have excellent credit, and even with the drop it will still be good, but 26 points is a lot to loose. And, the bar people check your credit when you apply for the bar, and I don't want them asking all sorts of questions about why I took this on, etc.

It sure is a load off my shoulders, but now I am too distracted to study for finals.  🙁

[DeeperThanSwords]

If the student loans are in his name, they are his and his alone.

The lady speaks the truth!

[DriftingCrow]

The lady speaks the truth!

It depends on the exact circumstances I think, sometimes judges will have the other pay off the other spouse's debt. When his parents got divorced, his mother was unemployed and owed money, and the judge made his father take on her debt as well as pay alimony. Luckily, we have no kids, no property besides the half interest he owns in my car (which is only worth about $5,000), and really not all that much money in the bank. There's also a possibility that if we fight this out in court that I'll end up having to pay him alimony, etc. (and what if he takes my puppy??  🙁 ) once I finish with school. Also, because he's in the hospital and not able to make a physical appearance in court, our case would get delayed until he got out of the hospital unless a judge allows an absentee divorce. I really just want to do this amicably since we don't have much to fight over, but I know he's just going to try everything to stick it to me (he even admitted today that he only insisted that I put him on the title to my car in order to have more leverage over me).

I sent my attorney an e-mail and hopefully she'll tell me what our next step is going to be tomorrow.

[spring0721]

Yeah, dts, it's different in the states.  Is RI a alimony state? Or just maintenance?  I have had family law, but even in my own divorce experience, my ex husband had to take on 20% of my student loan debt and then pay maintenance (since I didn't work during our marriage)and child support (we have a son).  How long was the marriage tho?  If you have to pay alimony it should only be based on how long you were married, so hopefully you won't have to pay it for long.  His loans, there's NO way you'll get stuck with all of them, and if you didn't sign at all I doubt you'll even be responsible for a percentage.  However, if he hasn't been working at all whatever other debt you may have, credit cards, car loans, house etc you will probably get stuck with a higher percentage of that 🙁 sorry...I know you just want out....and I know at this point getting out the quicker the better, but don't agree to the first thing his lawyers come to you with; if need be go to mediation so you can try to get a fairer deal.  I know he may be hurt at this point, and you may feel guilty.....but don't let any of your guilt(for wanting out of the marriage) make you agree to something that isn't favorable to you.  My ex husband, I'll admit really got a pretty bad deal, but at the time he had cheated and was deserting me and his son so I didn't feel too bad about it at the time.  He probably could have gotten out with it more in his favor than he did.  You don't have children or anythingtrapping you to him so don't feel guilty.  It's not like you're leaving him to raise a kid alone.  I truly hope it goes well and try hard to focus on your finals....critical time for you

[spring0721]

I just read your last part...he made you put his name on your car for leverage OVER you!! Oh my, sorry but what a jerk! Glad you're getting out early, now you can move on to hopefully the life you deserve to have.  Why do some men feel like they have to hold something over you?!

[DeeperThanSwords]

Ah ok, in the UK, it seems much less nebulous, as you can't transfer student debt like that.

I hope it gets sorted peacefully, LH!

[DriftingCrow]

Yeah, dts, it's different in the states.  Is RI a alimony state? Or just maintenance?  I have had family law, but even in my own divorce experience, my ex husband had to take on 20% of my student loan debt and then pay maintenance (since I didn't work during our marriage)and child support (we have a son).  How long was the marriage tho?  If you have to pay alimony it should only be based on how long you were married, so hopefully you won't have to pay it for long.  His loans, there's NO way you'll get stuck with all of them, and if you didn't sign at all I doubt you'll even be responsible for a percentage.  However, if he hasn't been working at all whatever other debt you may have, credit cards, car loans, house etc you will probably get stuck with a higher percentage of that 🙁 sorry...I know you just want out....and I know at this point getting out the quicker the better, but don't agree to the first thing his lawyers come to you with; if need be go to mediation so you can try to get a fairer deal.  I know he may be hurt at this point, and you may feel guilty.....but don't let any of your guilt(for wanting out of the marriage) make you agree to something that isn't favorable to you.  My ex husband, I'll admit really got a pretty bad deal, but at the time he had cheated and was deserting me and his son so I didn't feel too bad about it at the time.  He probably could have gotten out with it more in his favor than he did.  You don't have children or anythingtrapping you to him so don't feel guilty.  It's not like you're leaving him to raise a kid alone.  I truly hope it goes well and try hard to focus on your finals....critical time for you

I am not sure, this link makes it seem like both maintenance and alimony: http://www.divorcesupport.com/divorce/Rhode-Island-Spousal-Support-Maintenance-Alimony-721.html 🔗   We really don't have any combined debt--bought the car in cash (well, my dad bought the car and gifted it to me), we have no house, no rent, no joint credit cards (both have cards in our own names, I think his is paid off, mine is basically paid). This is part of the reason why I want to get out now, because we don't really have anything.  I don't want to stay married, get a house, a car payment, etc. and then get divorced.

We've only been married for 3 years, he hasn't worked during any of it. He went ot school fulltime for about 1.5 years. I went back to school full time and worked full time after we got married. According to that link, I may have another thing in my favor--he cheated on me twice, and I have actual physical proof of one (a letter his girlfriend wrote him); I am sure that counts under "marital misconduct." HE has other things that would probably count, but I have no proof of them. I am just worried, and feel guilty, because he has no money, but... his dad does own a business so why can't he just work for his dad once he gets out of the hospital?

[spring0721]

?LH, I don't PRACTICE family law....I work for a small firm part time doing real estate contracts so your family law practitioner will obviously be better able to tell you more of what your up against in RI.  What I CAN tell you is this.  Alimony requirements vary from state to state....but the #1 issue to receive alimony will be his actual ABILITY to go back to work at the time of your divorce.  If the requesting spouse hasn't worked in many years and has children at home, it would be hard for them to go to work at that time so they may be awarded alimony say until the child could start school.  However in your case, I know he hasn't worked because he is going to school....but is he STILL hurt from whatever accident you're speaking of? Or is he physically able to provide for himself? If there's no actual cause other than he's going to school, then he can get employment and care for himself.  Some states also have minimum requirements as to how long you've been married before you're eligible for alimony(some 5 some 10years) although some as I said only look at the spouses ability to have employment. 

To me it doesn't sound like you should have to pay it.  I'm not trying to be intrusive in this, but I read one of your posts that said you are currently dressing as a woman at work.  I don't want to sound callous, but this would help your case.  As does only being married 3 years.  With no debt to speak of (besides the student loans for him which his dad cosigned....I don't see how you would be liable for ANY of that) in my honest opinion this should be a clean break for you.  He may request that you pay his legal fees and court costs especially if he doesn't want the divorce and he isn't employed. As far as your car goes, if it was gifted directly to you Before the marriage it's yours.  If it was after, does he have a vehicle? If he doesn't he could try to take your car, or make you pay him half of the value....which $2500 wouldn't be a big deal.  I really don't see this stacked in his favor.  I wish I could help more, but glad you have good legal counsel that you work closely with!  I'm wishing you all the luck in the world.

[DriftingCrow]

I am more thinking out loud, plus I know you're in a different state with different laws.

[FTMDiaries]

Well done.

The next year or so will be tough but once all the legal wrangling is over you'll be able to get on with your life.

Just make sure you keep your friends & family as close as possible. And don't feel guilty about him: if he wanted you to keep taking care of him he should've treated you better. Now he's his own family's problem - not yours.

[Andy]

<<Kids, don't make the same mistake I made>>

Here's another mistake not to make: don't get into $75,000 of debt with student loans. I'm all for education, but how many jobs will pay enough for someone just out of college to make that payback viable? OUCH


@LearnedHand, we are all proud of you for doing this. Good Luck!!

(I know you didn't ring up that debt, I just wanted to take a sec to throw in the "cautionary tale" of how people get into these incredible debts for schooling, and then can't begin to pay it back. I have a friend going through this right now with her college aged daughter. Sorry if the poor kid has to transfer to community college, but why would you want to saddle yourself and/or your kid with all that debt when you're just starting out in life? What does that teach them?)