Hi Dee92xoxo,
Thank you for trusting enough to share what you are feeling, and dealing with. Are you losing it? Only you can know that - I usually only know it for myself long after the fact - but I do have a little bit of perspective that maybe I can share. A lot of what you describe is specific to being in transition, certainly, but the core emotions you talk about aren't. What they describe instead are the feelings of a typical, normal, healthy teenage girl, going through the emotions, and travails, of growing up into the amazing woman she can be, one awkward, questioning, insecure, worried, up and down, lonely day at a time. If I had to bet money on it, I'd say that you aren't losing your mind at all, you are finding it, the way most girls do-- painfully, haltingly, experimentally, one day at a time. I was recently honored by my older sister to be allowed to read her teenage diaries, from age 9 to 19 -- I was the first person she had ever allowed to read them. I can tell you, that every concern you voiced, minus perhaps some of the genital specifics, she went through in spades. And she survived, and turned into the amazing woman that I love and look up to, to this day. In fact, she is one of two women that I use as role models when I have to make so many choices today as a growing up girl myself.
The one piece of advice I will give you, from my heart, is that you may be focusing too much on the end goal(s) and the ideal image(s) of how you want to appear to the world. The fact is, you have reason to celebrate - in the most important respects, you have ALREADY transitioned, you are here, you are living your life as you. That is an amazing gift and an amazing opportunity. Don't waste these days months and years worrying about how you are seen, at least, not so much that you forget to live. Reach out, embrace others, embrace the world -- the world will embrace you back. And the good people of the world won't give a flying spaghetti monster whether they can guess your assigned sex at birth or not -- they will LOVE YOU. Yes, YOU. With all of your history, all of your anatomy, all of your trials and troubles, even all of your insecurities doubts and fears.
I looked like you describe when I was 20, or close enough, but I had another 24 years of testosterone damage before I was able to transition at last. I am so happy every day that I am able to express to the world my SELF. And most days, unless I allow myself to become really depressed and tentative, I "pass" as me just fine thank you, and though it would take massive surgery and expenditure to make my body match some ideal I might hold in my head, I already am the woman I want to be, right now, today, and the body I have is therefore the body of the woman I want to be, and guess what - the world accepts me just fine once I stopped worrying about it. I get sir'ed about once a month and I really don't care. The key thing is loving myself, right now, and not using any perceived defect as an excuse to be cruel in the way I think and talk about myself. You can do this.
*HUGS*
