Having a parent transition: Names!

[Jay.Lewis.P]

Hi all,


So as an ftm myself i get what many ftms go through and even though it's a whole different thing, I can, on some level, also understand what some mtfs go through as well. But I'm having a little bit of trouble here...

So I recently started talking to the person that is my biological father for the first time in several years. We talk online and i have been informed  that 'he' is now out as 'she' and living full time as a female.

Now that is not the problem at all. I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world to have a problem with that. It's just...

I'm having a little trouble with the idea of still calling her 'Dad'.

I have no trouble with correct pro nouns, name and on a whole gendering her correctly but it feels weird to call her 'Dad' and I have completely avoided using that label.

But it also feels weird to call ones parent by their first name.

So, after blabbering for a while I get to the question... anyone on here have trouble with names (titles: Mum/Mom, Dad) upon being told about their parents transition?

How did you deal with it?

Did you just suck it up and call them by their first names no matter how weird it felt to not call them Mum/Mom or Dad?

I would really like to hear you stories!

[Beth Andrea]

I have 3 children (one adult girl, two teen boys).

One of the boys is totally accepting of me, even goes clothes shopping etc. He calls me "dad" and uses correct pronouns. He told me early on that "it doesn't matter what you do, you'll always be dad to me."

The other two...are a little less accepting; they call me dad but use "he/him" for pronouns. (They also don't care to see me if I'm "girlie" in dress or manner).

Some people (MTF) prefer to be called mom, others prefer dad. (I prefer dad for now)  What does your dad want?

[Robert Scott]

Just ask her what she wants to be called ...

My kids switched from calling me their step mom or mom to calling me Pops - it's what I prefer

[Constance]

Both of my adult kids (23 and 20) call me "Dad." They use female pronouns for me, but call me Dad.

Really, I let them decide. No amount of transition is ever going to change the fact that I'm their father. I didn't want to be called Mom. Their mom is their biological mother: my ex-wife.

Have you asked your Dad what she wants to be called?

[RedFox]

As everyone else said, it should be totally up to your parent what they want to be called.

I've already decided I want my kids to call me Mom.  Having them call me Dad once I transition will be a reminder to both of us and everyone around us that I was once male.  Calling me Mom is the appropriate way to address a female parent - seems pretty natural to me.

And children can have more than one mother.  If there's any confusion it can be Mommy Sage - to my little ones at least.

I'd personally hate to have my children call me by my first name.  I've known my stepfather all my life and have always called him by his first name - and I feel it puts an unconscious barrier between us (despite the fact I refer to him as my father when I talk about him).

[Constance]

Calling me Mom is the appropriate way to address a female parent - seems pretty natural to me.

Most of the trans parents I know feel this way, and I'll agree that it seems like the natural thing to do.

I my case, it's a remnant of my genderqueer identity. To me, it feels natural to be a woman who is a father and an ex-husband. But, to me it feels natural to queer the concepts of gender roles.

Obviously, this doesn't work for everyone.

[Brooke777]

I think you should inform your parent that it feels off to you to call her dad, and ask her what you could call her instead.  My son (age 6) calls me dad, but I told him he could call me Auntie Brooke if he wants too. Just in case he feels weird calling me dad. IMHO, it should be a name/title you are both comfortable with.

[justmeinoz]

Being the Trans parent of a Trans son I have had to consider this.  Seeing as I didn't give birth to him I am still happy for him to call me Dad, or Karen as he prefers.  It is more a case of where we are.

Karen.

[John Smith]

My son calls me "mom" in private and by name in public. I'd rather prefer he use my name in private aswell, but no rush. I'm used to calling my own parents by name (can't even remember when I started doing that), so that feels natural to me.

[peky]

I have 5 kids, all living with me, and have been since they were born. So, my 3 oldest (2 boys and 1 girl) call me dad and she/her, no problem. My two youngest (early teens), boy and girl, call me dad when in front of the other siblings or strangers, but Mom when they are alone with me.

I told them I love them no matter what and that I will always be their dad, I do not care whether they call me Dad or Mom, he or she.

[Jay.Lewis.P]

Thanks for everyone's input and help

A lot has progressed since I added this topic!

I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to bringing up sensitive topics so i generally tiptoed for a bit and tried a few things out until I found something that she seemed to respond positively too and I was comfortable with. I generally call her 'Ma' or by her name.

Also, As a bonus I added her as my mother on FB and she was overjoyed by that As I progress further with our relationship (one that hasn't existed for the last fourteen years) and as we reconnect I've become comfortable with considering her my second mother (something that I never thought I'd be able to do but now it seems completely right!)

Thank you for everyone's input. It gave me a lot to think about and helped me better deal with our relationship

[Brooke777]

I'm glad to hear things are progressing in a positive manner. I hope they continue to move forward for both of you.

[Sandy]

That was one of the harder things I had to contemplate during my transition.

I am my children's father, nothing can change that.  I will always be their parent.  I personally felt that calling me mother was not appropriate.  That honor is reserved for their mother and I have no intention of appropriating that for myself.

Both my kids are adults and I simply asked them to refer to me as Sandy.  They introduce me as their parent and if it is appropriate for the situation they can tell them whatever they please about me.

Early on they would stumble and call me dad.  It was amusing in public situations to see other peoples reaction to that.  I was hardly embarrassed. 

However, to my grand kids, I am first and always Grandma Sandy.  And even though one of them is old enough to understand that I was born a boy, I will always be a girl in her eyes.  The younger of my granddaughters will one day ask and learn about me.  I have no problem with that.  But she too will have never seen me as anything but a woman.

It is really only up to you and your parent.  Whatever the two of you are comfortable with, that is absolutely fantastic.  The rest of society can go jump for all of me.  It's their problem not yours.

And trust me, Jay, she would be very comfortable with a frank and open discussion about how she wants to be referred to and what you are comfortable with.  C'mon, you know the drill!    It won't change the way you feel about her, you still love her and I think she loves you.  What more needs to be said?

-Sandy