Hi all, I've lurked here for a while and made a few posts lately so I guess I should introduce myself. This is going to be a long one, sorry if it's too much!
I'm a 30 year old web developer in the UK, married with a baby son and pre-pretty-much-everything mtf.
I have had some gender issues for a long time but always managed to repress or normalise everything. Started out with trying on my mother's clothes when home alone at about 13 but shamed myself out of it pretty quickly.
I always found myself drawn to tg related stuff like body-swap films, documentaries on tv and various web comics, somehow it never occurred to me that this wasn't standard for cis guys. Then (and I'm really ashamed to admit this) but I discovered TS pornography online while at university and got really obsessed for a while. In my naivety I searched for stuff on 'becoming a ->-bleeped-<-' and found nothing particularly insightful (not surprising really!). Whatever I did find always made out that TS girls were always slim, average height and started medical procedures from a very early age. I was 20, 6'2 with huge feet and overweight so I told myself that although I would love to be like them it was impossible for someone like me. I enjoyed reading stories where guys were feminised without consent and looking back it's pretty clear I wanted someone to make the choice for me. (Still do to an extent)
I managed to convince myself I had a TS fetish and kept it quiet as I started a relationship with my first gf, who is now my wife. I looked at porn every now and then and it was *always* TS stuff. I still told myself it was a fantasy although I think I knew it was more than that. I had no dysphoria so I figured it was normal for some men to feel like this.
In May this year some minor squabble with my Mother kicked off and while my wife and I were talking about stuff from my childhood I mentioned I had worn my Mother's clothes and had wanted to be a girl. Boom, it all came flooding back. I told my wife a few days later that I hadn't been able to get this out of my head since then. She was 7 months pregnant and distraught, understandably. I told her I had apparently buried this once and I could do it again.
Burying it this time didn't work. I found out more about the mechanics of transition, that I actually could do it and from then I've not been able to think of much else. She noticed I was upset one night and dragged out of me that these gender issues were still there. 3 weeks before our baby was due and her husband does this to her. I still feel guilt over that.
She was great at first, buying me some girls pyjamas and letting me try some of her clothes on and doing makeup for me one night. She did say she didn't think she could stay if I transitioned though and I stupidly promised I wouldn't, thinking it was a promise I could keep. She continued being supportive, even finding me an IPL groupon deal and encouraging me to go for it despite my nerves.
When our son arrived though things changed a little, she begun to feel more uncomfortable about my 'problem'. She has said her main worry is what her friends and family would think and the bullying our son will get at school. She thinks if I love them both enough I can choose to carry on as a man, as that's what she would do.
It's really not working. Whenever I'm alone I'm consumed with thoughts of transition. After fighting it, I've completely embraced my femininity in the last month or so and I know I want to transition. But I worry that wanting to isn't needing to, that I should try and go on as I am.
Other than my presentation (which has gone from male to fairly andro) and my weight (173lb from 220), trans stuff is not mentioned really, and I feel nervous about bringing it up again. My wife did mention a while ago that it's still 'hanging over us'
I think I'm going to have to lay it all out to my wife soon, to be fair to us all. I love her and my son more than anything and am scared to lose them both, but I'm getting scared for my mental state the longer this goes on.
I seem to be slowly gaining confidence towards outing myself regardless of consequences, like posting pics in the 'could I pass' thread which i've wanted to do for months but was too worried about discovery (or being told I'm the hopeless case I thought I was). I still manage to scare myself off taking the step of going to GP or therapist with fears that I'm kidding myself if I think I can really pull this off, or thinking about the hurt it'll cause.
I can't ruin Christmas, but I'm trying to pluck up the courage to do something afterwards. I think our marriage may be over though and I desperately hoped to avoid that. My wife has at least said she'd never keep our son from me.
Anyway, sorry for the War and Peace length life story. Thanks to anyone that made it to the end of this, I don't expect to get many replies but just writing this helps put things in perspective a little. I've already felt very welcomed here so looking forward to getting more involved!
