I'm a 50 year old, probably genetically male and everything seems to be changing – both physically and emotionally. I'm trying, for the first time in my life, to figure out who I am and even what I am. Seems strange to do this at my age but I'm the consummate people pleaser, which I think comes from being raised on a small resort and taking care of customers. The customers paid the bills so they needed to be happy. So I've spent my life making the people around me happy. Their happiness didn't necessarily include my happiness.
Anyway, I'm married to a good woman who loves me and whom I love. We never had children because I can't but she had two from a previous marriage and I love them both (plus the four grand kids). I have a great job that I like, that pays really well and I work with a fun bunch of people. Great home, nice truck, some money in the bank. I also now own that family resort (although I now have managers to run it). I actually managed to get most of "the dream". Problem is two fold: I've been living in hiding as on the inside I'm more female than male AND, for what ever reason, my physical body is becoming more and more womanly without me taking hormones.
Yep – I haven't taken any hormones. My testosterone has dropped to 110 total and 28 bioavailable over the past few months from 640 and 140 in March of 2012. Constant slide down, repeated samples taken at approximately the same time of day. Estrogen has risen sightly and is now constant in the 40-60 range. It's now been eight months since this started and I have the softer skin, the loss of muscle mass (despite working out with weights), minor changes in my face, my personality has changed some (I'm not nearly as aggressive), I've lost quite a bit of weight (intentionally) and am starting to get "curves". I fit great in a 40D, not a 40C (to small), not a 42C(loose and small) or 42D(big) but a real 40D (just what will happen when I start estrogen?). I tried on a "body suit shaper" yesterday – kinda like a woman's one piece bathing suit – I look better than many women I have seen on the beach (still have some more weight to loose though). And while I actually like the changes (like the mellower me, love my breasts!), the changes have come accompanied by physical pain and are emotionally a little disturbing. It's not the changes, it's not knowing why.....
Without going into details – I've been to five urologist, three endocrinologists, two internal medicine doctors, a geneticist, a cardiologist and a dermatologist. I even went to the Mayo clinic and saw who knows what there. They have taken MRIs of most of my body, CT scanned large parts of it, had a couple mammograms and there have been numerous ultrasounds. I have a minor nerve problem in my back that leads to some numbness and when one of my testicles swells (every 28 days), there is a significant increase in blood flow to the swollen testicle (yep, every 28 days, a testicle swells up with pain similar to testicular torsion). No one knows why this happens. But other than that, I am perfectly fit. (Every doctor I see insists on examining my prostate – sometimes more than once and that area has been the subject of one MRI, one CT and two ultrasounds). Perfectly fine... Tried testosterone, that hit my prostate hard – it became very enlarged and very painful. I did it so I could tell my wife I tried even though I knew, somehow, that this wasn't a good idea and wasn't going to work. So now, I'm going to embrace the change. A change that I actually want very much.
I've been seeing a psychologist who sees transgendered FTM and MTF and has been doing so for years. Wonderful person. We decided a couple months ago to treat my psychological desire to become more feminine separate from the physical issue, mostly because we exhausted all medical options. About being male or female, I think about my sexuality perhaps a little differently than what I've been reading or seeing (although I thank everyone for posts – it helps so much). When I put on a man's suit I am also putting on a persona – arrogant, dominant, looking good. When I put on male work clothes, I am ready to get dirty, focused on the task at hand, focused on getting thinks done. When I put on work out clothes, I work out hard, strong. But none of these persona are me. When I put on woman's clothes, I am dressing me, just me. I'm not adopting a persona, I'm just dressing me.
On Wednesday, I have an appointment to start feminization hormones. I'm excited. I can't believe that I'm actually doing it. I've wanted to for a long time but never had the strength in me to follow through. Realistically, I wouldn't be doing it if my body didn't decide to take the initiative. But it still bothers me – why the physical changes with no hormones? I'm a 40D! How did this happen? Any one hear of anthing similar?
