Hello everyone!
I have been gone from the forum a long time and a lot has been happening. At last you heard from me, I was pursuing HRT after starting therapy and going through the motions of coming out to myself, my few friends, and my immediate family. I finally saw my transgender doc who has also become my GP since that doc also does general medical work.
After all the blood work was done, we found out that I had some high liver levels. The doc ran some blood work to find out where it was coming from, and that confirmed it is indeed the liver. The next test was to rule out primary biliary cirrhosis. That test came back normal, so now we are going to do a liver ultrasound and if that doesn't show anything, then we are left without finding a cause, and all we can do is watch the levels. All of this means I have had to temporarily stop pursuing HRT at least until sometime in January 2013. The doc has said I am high risk for blood clots on HRT, so I am trying to find practical ways to get my risk down.
I have been sick off and on. I've managed to be part time and have gotten to the point where I want all of this to go much faster than it has, and I want to be full time NOW!! The thing stopping me is my clothing budget (I only have one outfit), still needing to start hormones, and needing to get laser treatments underway so I can pass without worrying about facial hair.
I'm really frustrated and worried that I will never find a way to get all of this done so that I can start to consolidate my gender into full female presentation on a full time basis and have the world see me for who I am, instead of what this disgusting male body shows everyone.
I've been experimenting here and there with my voice, but not happy with it. Watching some videos on the subject are helpful to an extent, but actual time spent practicing my voice works best so far. Thoughts have been present about FFS when the time comes, but questions are there about how I am going to fund it, and how creative I can get about that issue.
In the end, I can say some progress, slow progress, is better than no progress at all. I have to admit that I have days and even weeks where I feel like I just want to give up and see myself as stupid for even acknowledging myself and even attempting to pursue transition. I fear no one will take me seriously, because even after coming out to my mother, she keeps using male pronouns with me and to others in reference to me. I just feel so disgusting and disrespected by that! She recently said to me "I guess you can't do what you want to do with these blood levels being so high then!"
I was mortified to say the least, because she said she still loves me and accepts me for who I am, but then she doesn't acknowledge me with proper pronouns and then throws my blood levels in my face like that. I commented back to her that if need be, I will pursue an alternate avenue to transition if HRT turns out to be too unsafe for me because of all of this. She just said "well, whatever".
I am of the opinion that she sees this as a phase or as just some new "thing" I am into, instead of understanding that this is me trying to make my life work as the person I have always secretly been on the inside until I could no longer hide it. The only people who call me by my preferred "name" and use the proper pronouns is my doctor's office.
Enough of my ranting now. I'm sorry to have gone on and on about everything. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude in all of this. Thanks for reading!
