Self-doubt and validation

[myraey]

I identify as probably mtf. Yet there is a strong element of doubt and uncertainty.

I grew up as male and was socialized as such. I have not lived on the other side of the fence. I am almost obsessing about doing the right decisions. Or not doing anything and being in limbo. It feels very uneasy. I stress extremely about being fake or not legit. Not going to be perceived a real female and giving out extremely confusing signals without really noticing it myself.  What could I possibly know about being the other gender? I did not have any female siblings. I guess that would have been very interesting to have something to compare to. I have purposefully increased my interaction with various people of the other sex. Just in boring every day situations. Only to see and look what they are all about. And females like all humans come in all shapes and forms. And everyone is different. There is no model to fit in to.

I have taken therapy on several occasions. It is helpful. But what therapists can not do is really give a straightforward clear cut answer if transition is the right way to go. Or whatever is right in your situation. One alone still has to draw conclusions and make ones own decisions. It would be tremendously helpful if someone were to validate my feelings somehow. Like is this real and legit.

[suzifrommd]

Mik, have you gone out dressing and presenting as a female to see what it felt like?

That gave me a lot of clarity.

[LilDevilOfPrada]

Mik, have you gone out dressing and presenting as a female to see what it felt like?

That gave me a lot of clarity.

I must add warning though as this can cause you to feeling worse. But doing this did validate my thoughts so it can be worth it.

[myraey]

I have not been out in public. I am not very passable. There is a lot potential but I am not passable at the moment. I very rarely cd. It does not look too good. Sometimes it can be a real downer. But that is what the imagination is for. Maybe if I would put seriously more effort in it would be a lot better. I can imagine going out could be a lot worse. Everyday I dream I could try it and would pass 100%. I would just love the possibility of being just one in the crowd and having interaction with other people.

[LilDevilOfPrada]

I have not been out in public. I am not very passable. There is a lot potential but I am not passable at the moment. I very rarely cd. It does not look too good. Sometimes it can be a real downer. But that is what the imagination is for. Maybe if I would put seriously more effort in it would be a lot better. I can imagine going out could be a lot worse. Everyday I dream I could try it and would pass 100%. I would just love the possibility of being just one in the crowd and having interaction with other people.

I didnt pass my first time hehe.

[Zumbagirl]

I have not been out in public. I am not very passable. There is a lot potential but I am not passable at the moment. I very rarely cd.

. Everyday I dream I could try it and would pass 100%. I would just love the possibility of being just one in the crowd and having interaction with other people.

But how do you know that wouldn't happen? None of us started off as passable women. The passing part takes time, a lot of it before the comfort level is there. I couldn't tell you the number of TS women, myself included, who started off with wigs, make up and probably not very appropriate clothing and masculine voices, but we learned, changed and adapted. I led a dual life for a while no hormones no FFS no nothing but I still went out. That's how I knew this was the right thing for me to do. The more I went out, the more wanted to be out. Once I started doing electrolysis it just got easier because I needed less plastered on makeup. By then I was barely on hormones. I didn't have very feminine features or even boobs but I was really really happy to be able to be out. I became less scared when buying clothes so I was able to buy appropriate clothing and blend in better.
What gave me the power to blend in with a sea of females was the FFS surgery but that came much later. I had already led a dual life for about a year by then, and the part time TS part of my life was coming very close to overtaking the non-TS part of my life. That was my queue to knowing I was physically and mentally ready for full time living.

Hope that helps!!

[DanicaCarin]

Hey Mik,

This may not be what you where asking or the answer that helps. I new from an early age "something" was wrong. And I know now at age 43 that the "feelings" never go away! Every day I curse myself for not making a decision and following through. I would suggest you think long and hard about your feelings and then take a chance. You could start HRT and see how it feels. If its better.. Go further. If you think its "not right either" you can stop.

Sorry, but thats the best answer I can give.......

[Anna]

I identify as probably mtf. Yet there is a strong element of doubt and uncertainty.

I grew up as male and was socialized as such. I have not lived on the other side of the fence. I am almost obsessing about doing the right decisions. Or not doing anything and being in limbo. It feels very uneasy. I stress extremely about being fake or not legit. Not going to be perceived a real female and giving out extremely confusing signals without really noticing it myself.  What could I possibly know about being the other gender? I did not have any female siblings. I guess that would have been very interesting to have something to compare to. I have purposefully increased my interaction with various people of the other sex. Just in boring every day situations. Only to see and look what they are all about. And females like all humans come in all shapes and forms. And everyone is different. There is no model to fit in to.

I have taken therapy on several occasions. It is helpful. But what therapists can not do is really give a straightforward clear cut answer if transition is the right way to go. Or whatever is right in your situation. One alone still has to draw conclusions and make ones own decisions. It would be tremendously helpful if someone were to validate my feelings somehow. Like is this real and legit.

Ah well this is the Transsexual zone not the Transition zone or the cross-dressing zone so.... Being a transexual for me is like art - who can tell you if it is or isn't good? If it means something to you then it is art. Likewise if you feel like you are trans then who is to tell you otherwise?  I have not transitioned physically and to be honest I am doing everything in my power not to because to the rational part of me that is as fake as the body I am in now. However that does not mean I have not accepted I am not out and out trans and love it. The problem is not how I feel but how everyone around me feels. They see male and they expect male. If they are just watching me closely then most guess that I am somewhat not the same as most men. The may think I am gay, they may not. If they expect me to be how I look and invest some emotional capital in that misconception then they start to have a problem.  Now one way of changing that is to dress in public but it is not the only way to achieve validation by any means.

I go to an evening class in which I am the only man (ahem - assigned male) and I find it very, very hard not to just become one of the girls because the girls see a male & expect a male whereas I just want to relax and be one of them. I think after a several weeks of watching they have started to realise and have gone from hostile to curious to "ah, poor thing" but I am not sure however I do feel increasingly accepted by them as not being a man. Being trans is hard this way- or me it's not something one can buy with a change of clothes. What I have also found recently is that when I talk to, say, lesbians who think I am a man and I say "I'm not really that kind" then suddenly they understand and I get a tremendous sense of validation. Women can be very forgiving and seem to understand these issues well as long as you are around the right sort of woman.

FWIW I don't believe we should have to go out "dressed" to achieve validation. I have almost never dressed. I have just been myself and it is blatantly apparent to many that I am a screaming transgenderist because that is obviously how I think, act & feel. I love this. I love the way it pokes the medical establishment's 1950's patriarchal & image obsessed gender stereotypes. It makes me feel I can be accepted without necessarily needing to alter my body (as much as I wish it was). As you say, females come in all shapes and forms - many of whom tend to wear exactly what men do almost all the time apart form a bit of make-up, hair and a different cut of jean. I think this idea that we should have to dress and pretend to be a certain type of frump or slut before we are officially deemed mentally ill gender dysphoric and thus in need of hormone therapy is ridiculous.

This is all done in the wrong order I want hormones now. I want a perfect female voice. Then I want this penis & testicles gone so I can feel right right away. The hormones can then work their stuff and then when I finally feel ready to change public identity I will have FFS to finish the job and then and only then maybe a boob job. Finally I might want to buy more overtly female clothes.  Doing it in reverse order the way it seems to me to be pushed on us now is completley wrong and guaranteed to make a girl look & feel like a freak.


it is late here. I am a little tired & emotional, I hope the spirit of this post is clear if not the actual expression of that spirit.  Apologies to anyone I may have accidentally offended.

[JoanneB]

I have to second what DanniStar said. "It" never goes away. You can find diversions, distractions and with some denial muddle through life. A life I found at age 53 that was practically joyless.

I never was and still am not sure what to do. Twice in my twenties I experimented with transitioning. Both times chickening out and opting for "Normal". Now some 30 years later I am at it again, much deeper than ever before, and feeling happiness, joy, passion, as well as a ton of sadness for the first time ever. Much of the sadness comes from thinking about the very well entrenched male life and responsibilities I am obligated to fulfill.

There is no right answer, only compromises

[anya921]

I,m not sure this will help or not but may be you can what I have done. From the day one I had the access to the internet I had two online identities. One for keeping touch with my friends and there was one for my true self as a girl.

May be you can start with that, You can take a pic of you looking passable as possible. there is a good side in everyone's face and with little bit of digital touch ups it can do wonders. So you can have a virtual life as a female and see how you feel when people treat you as a woman.  and then may be you can take it to the next level of going out all dressed.

Hope this will help.

[kelly_aus]

I have taken therapy on several occasions. It is helpful. But what therapists can not do is really give a straightforward clear cut answer if transition is the right way to go. Or whatever is right in your situation. One alone still has to draw conclusions and make ones own decisions. It would be tremendously helpful if someone were to validate my feelings somehow. Like is this real and legit.

The only validation comes from within.

And as for a therapist giving you an answer? That's not their job. They are there to guide you to your own answers.

I'll also agree that it's something that never goes away - it will haunt you for your entire life.

[myraey]

I am not really fascinated by clothing. Or what exactly is between my legs. But I think if I were to transition I would probably want to have srs. I can believe the feelings never go away. I noticed the feelings from an early age. I did not understand it as well as I do now. But it has always been in the back of my head . For me it is very much about self perception and the social element. That's where the ability to pass came in. But apart from that I will think more about the possibilities online and with the right people. Being one of the girls . I always have wanted just that.

[sam79]

So much to add and comment on. I'll give you my point of view first...

I'm rapidly becoming less able to function as a man. That is causing so much stress, tension and a frustration that only god can know. I've spent the last month crying, or trying not to cry on and off. There are a couple of major aspects influencing my ability to cope... 1 - the complete rock bottom feeling after looking back, recognising all the clues and indicators that were there, ignored or misinterpreted. Makes me so sad. And 2 - complete hatred of being fake or pretentious, which I am when presenting as a man and not out to everyone. Both of those are pushing me to the edge far sooner than I'd like. If I fight it, I cry, get sad and can see depression on the horizon. Been depressed many years ago, anything is better than that ( including all the ridicule of society )!

So, to try and cope I've been picking up the pace in every way I can manage... Doing 2+ hours exercise per day to lose my flab. Just 30 minutes ago, bought a very nice wig in my hair colour, in the same style I'll eventually grow into. Yesterday I bought a beautiful new skirt, and got some voice coaching. God knows what tomorrow will bring. That said, this also reassures and reinforces my decision to transition... It feels like a journey I *have* to do. And for those brief moments while actually 'riding the wave', it can be peaceful and joyful. With the help of an image consultant, I hope to go part time in mere weeks.

Point being, stop and smell the roses while you can. Contemplate what life may be like in the numerous possibilities that lay before you. Like a boogie woman, this usually doesn't go away, so there may come a time when the choice is removed from you. Believe me, once you finally accept a fate (whatever that is) yourself, all those safety nets you have now in your head will disappear and you may have to face it with no recourse.

Luv, Sam.

[amdee]

I wish you well, so many questions when you take the first steps.