Quote from: Phoeniks on January 02, 2013, 11:24:57 AM
Yes I'm here, just been having one of those daily "what if I'm lying to myself" -moments 
It's hard to tell what's needed without trying it out, first. I just think you are very close, already 
The best persons to seek answers from seem to be strangers, since most people usually don't think outside gender binary... Maybe trying masculine clothes made for women and then walking with them in public would help? FFS seems, to me, the option to choose when obviously easier choices haven't worked as well as wanted.
Hmm... I guess my problem is that my "middle" is in between male and neutrois, not male-woman. And that's far away from where I'm now. I've had some kind of dissociation/depersonalization going on since I was 10-12 y old, and it seems more and more likely that it started because of this gender stuff. So now, I completely hate it when I see a woman looking back at me from my old pics. I wasn't alive as a woman, I lived in a dream and just acted everything out. Even if my feminine body isn't ugly when I try to think about it objectively, I'm just very dissociated from it and don't understand it's a female body and female curves I'm looking at. They are just out of place, as well as my social role has been.
But since I'm still not completely certain of whether this is the real deal or if I am just plain nuts, I still haven't got the courage to tell my relatives. I reached a tipping point with my friends etc. for 1-2 months ago and just didn't care about their opinions anymore, but family is a different thing. My only solution with that has been to start acting the way I feel I am when I'm around them. And avoid being with them for long amounts of time due to anxiety. Maybe after time passes, their opinion will matter less than telling them and thus trying to finally form a relationship with them that truly means something to me...
But yea, not yet. Since I'm still thinking that transition could only be something I'm using to make myself feel more free and more alive, and the real reason is something else entirely. Maybe those feelings that parents could never understand and therefore they can't yet be told really derive from our own uncertainties. That's probably the case with me at least.
My middle is between female and neutrois. But I like my male side, too. So am I being bigendered? That's still a question for me, because I like it when I see androgynous female models wearing masculine clothes. I'm kind of female. And I'm kind of male. And I'm kind of neutrois. And I'm kind of bigender. Maybe just genderfluid. However, in a social role, thinking about the binary society, the female presentation is my preference, though I'm not terrified with the idea of presenting as a male sometimes just because I accept a large male fraction of me.
We are kind of living a dream here, because we can dwelve through all those processes and skim through until we sort out what works for us. And *that* is a good freedom to have, as we just don't judge ourselves here. We just can do our best choices and then prepare ourselves for their outcomes.
Also, my parents are abroad, something that relieves that tension. But they are thinking hard about coming back, *this* year, so there must be a conversation before. My mother already expressed some kind of "You are my son whatever happens", hinting me that something she must have felt was strong enough for her to say that.
I hope you can sort it out and tell your parents, because I too feel that. They are a very important part of us and should not be excluded from that process, I think. *and* if you can talk about the other things with them, also, it is nice too. Also, if you need to talk about other things than transition and gender stuff, feel free. We're here. (well, at least I'm here
)
Rakkain terveisin,
Carolina
