SO I feel like I should introduce myself before, like so many others have previously done, address the real reason why I have sought out this site. My name is Amber and I am 21 years old. I have no idea what I identify as but for the last 4 years I have called myself gay and gender neutral for the people who are really into labels.
I have always emulated my brother and father and after coming out was immediately asked if I wanted to be a male, to which I jokingly replied "hell no, I love my vagina." But I don't know. I have always hated being associated as female, I can't even think of the pronoun "she" or "her" in context with myself. Ex's have tried to dress me up in skirts and feminine tops but the second I put on the clothes I immediately shut down. Like huddled in a corner, crying shut down.The only way I can describe it is like in a split instant I completely changed who I am, I am so far out of my element. I feel like I shouldn't be wearing them and that if someone were to see me I would die from embarrassment. Like a man in woman's clothing (pardon the expression, I don't mean any offense by the archaic terminology).
The first girlfriend I ever had, I told her that I was "gender-neutral" and she as... alright with it? She basically told me that I was seeking attention and that I was no different than anyone else; whatever that means! We dated for three years and around the last year she joined a LGBTQA sorority and one of her pledging buddies came out as FtM. She was 100% supportive and that kind of gave me the courage to approach the topic of my own insecurities with my body and she did a complete 180. She kind of shoved me and this man together and we hung out and stuff but I could never talk with him about myself because of the initial reaction to my gender differences. Plus, I didn't want to take the spotlight off of him and how wonderful his transition would be.
But then again, I have never really been able to call myself by any male pronouns either. The only difference is recently I have begun to wonder if that is just because of my upbringing. My parents never forced a gender identity on me, I am truly sorry for those that did, but that didn't mean I wasn't raised a girl. I am my mother's daughter just like my brother is my father's son and even though I wasn't made to wear dresses and play with Barbies instead of climbing trees and racing Hotwheels, I was still treated as a woman because I am biologically female. I am just starting to realize that maybe I know I am different from most girls but I don't know if I am quite ready to accept that that may mean I perceive myself as male (sorry if that is confusing. I feel like I am looking over a cliff and, even with a parachute, I am still not ready to jump yet...)
I am a late bloomer, I didn't feel any attraction to a male or female until the age of 16 and while all the other little girls were having crushes on Aaron Carter and Justin Timberlake, I was "eh, whatever..." to the whole concept. I came out because I had a crush on my best friend, who just happened to be a woman, and blah...blah... life changed... now I am gay. But the fact that it took 16 years to even feel somethings along the lines of attraction is really making me realize that I am NOT INTUNE WITH MY BODY AT ALL! I have acted one way for so long and haven't met any resistance that I don't even know how I feel about my identity. All I know is that for as long as I can remember I have been jealous of every man for their ability to take their shirts off in public. I am jealous of their pecs and flat-chests. I hate my breasts and my hips and the pear shape that millions of woman compliment me on daily. I secretly love it when I am addressed as "sir"; I am told a pass well but I have a high voice and a personality that is very androgynous so it depends on the person as to whether I am misgendered. I am insanely interested in the lives of the few FtMs that I have met and I love hearing them talk about their lives.
What I want to know is this: even though I feel these things, that doesn't mean I necessarily want to go and chop everything off. Yes, I would love to have a mastectomy given the chance but I don't want bottom surgery. I am horribly ashamed of having a menstrual cycle but I don't know if I want to have SRS. Does this make me Transgender? I am just seeking some guidance as to whether this is normal for some FtM's? Does not wanting a neophallus make me any less of a male? I recently moved and I have absolutely no LGBT contact anymore, hence why I am seeking this site out. Any advice would help immensely!
