Just wanted to say hi to everyone and let you all know my story. I found this site on Monday and Tuesday night I registered.
So....
This probably goes along with the ways people feel that they are gay or lesbian, they know something is differant about them but at early ages, they have no clue what it is. I just knew that I was not this person everyone else thought I was, then again maybe I was wrong with that idea too. From about age 10 I just knew I was differant but being so young I had no clue. I would go in and try on my moms clothes especially her bras and they always felt so good to wear.
I was always a small person, underweight for a supposed male, I hardly ever had any body hair and I'm 18 now and I still hardly have any. People who I didn't know and they didn't know me in school would refer to me as a girl. Half the time on the phone people would refer to me as a girl, especially if they didn't know me. Because of all of this, it was never hard for me to actually pass as a female. The people who knew me as a friend knew I was a male. As I got older, I hated who I was because in reality I still had everything that made me a male and thinking of that would get me so deppresed to where I would ignore people to be alone. I often felt like killing myself because I could so easily pass as a girl but I couldn't. My parents would totally freak out! My mom was my natural mom but my dad was my step dad who adopted me during high school. As far as I was concerned, he was the only father I ever had and he was a man, who was a marine. I eventually would hang out at gay coffe shops and the park where I could dress however I wanted to. At the park, yeah it's a gay park in Denver called Cheseeman park, I knew all kinds of people my age. they were gay but with them I could be who I knew I was and dress up in any clothes that I wanted too. that at least made me feel some what better for awhile. As I got older, the feelings that I had to change the things that made me a male. Day and night all of these feelings just occupied my brain so much that I would cry at night. I even ran away from home a few times. After the last time, my parents made me go see a shrink and that guy was the first one who knew what my intntions were, even though he sucked as a docter. He was at university hospital and because it was a teaching school, the fees wern't very much. This doctor never helped me and eventually I would lie and tell my mom and dad that I was still going to see him every week when I really didn't.
My parents eventually found out that I was ging out with friends, and these friends had no idea I was a guy. One night a friend called me and this was when my mom was getting suspicious about what I was out doing with friends. Mom knew some things just didn't sound right, so she picked up the phone to listen. She heard enough to know that this guy was thinking I was a girl and we were gonna go out that night, it was summer. She confronted me and from there I told her everything! She had a cow!! The next day my parents again made an appointment, this time with another shrink somewhere in cherry hills. I went one time and it only took one time for this doctor to have a long talk with my parents. He told them what they didn't want to hear. They swore to me that I would never get my chance to get anywhere with my plans on becomming a girl and that I would not go out with anyone after school again till I graduated. Any friends I wanted to see would have to come over and meet my parents first. This made me not bring anyone over. Well I graduated and a week later, I moved out. I told my parents that I fully intended on going through with my plans and after that night, I have never seen my parents again. I miss them lots and I cry alot when I think of my mom. Since then, I have found a good therapist who listens to me and understand me and lets me be who I am and lets me cry when I need to and makes sure I know it's ok to be the person I am.
So now it's been 6 months on HRT and all these months I have been living my life as a complete female. I go to work as a female, I use my middle name because it's a female name and people have no clue! I even get phone numbers from male customers! It gets emotional being on hormones, sometimes I can just cry so easily just thinking of things and then sometimes i get very angry. I have been told that being 18, it's an excellent age to do all this because male hormones haven't done everything that they do to a person who is older.
Besides all the mood changes, i have noticed especially the last few months that my skin is differant, and as my breasts have developed, I noticed that my upper body lost alot of tone that it had before. I can fill a b cup and my doctor told me that whatever size my mom was, I should expect to be that size since it's hereditary. My mom was a c.
So that's where I am today, I work, live on my own and support myself. Sometimes, depending on how I feel, I see the doc twice a month if I need to really talk.
Am I happy? YESSSS! Sure having breasts and being able to wear female clothing doesn't make someone a female, but having all these and knowing the final step won't be too much further in the future, makes me feel like I am complete. I can sleep at night all the night through and in the morning I actually get out of bed and feel like I have a life. I know I have been lucky, I have a voice that never sounded male and I have a face that never looked male, I always wondered if nature intended for me to be female but some mistake was made to where I had a penis. I also know I am differant because I do like guys. Sure alot of people who have made the changes do so so they can be with other women but I never felt like that. I always liked guys though I always knew I wasn't one.
Never give up on your hopes and dreams people, go for them and never give up! I'm done rambling now. I hope this all makes people have some hope!
I'll be around here posting alot I think!
