Came out to wife, couldn't have gone much worse.

[TanaSilver]

The point, and I think several have already touched on this, is  that we each come to this along a slightly different path, one that is influenced by how we were raised, how much we were able to accept ourselves along the way, and also bases on the nature and neediness of those in our lives we might be seen as having "deceived."

Truly excellent and mature post Elspeth, from top to bottom, and one this thread sorely needed I think. I particularly liked the statement I quoted above, which is something I think trans folk need to keep in mind when dealing with each other. Sometimes I notice that there is a tendency to fall into a logical fallacy of "My experience is THE experience" in being trans, when in fact there are huge variances in how it manifests in different lives and how it is dealt with. Despite all of our commonalities and shared experiences, I think it's these differences that help keep the community divided.

Regardless of those differences, some things are true: being transgendered is a nightmare to deal with in this world, there are no easy answers or solutions, and for some of us the point at which we come out cannot be planned since it just explodes upon us when the desperation becomes too great (I fall into this category).

[HthrRsln]

Truly excellent and mature post Elspeth, from top to bottom, and one this thread sorely needed I think. I particularly liked the statement I quoted above, which is something I think trans folk need to keep in mind when dealing with each other. Sometimes I notice that there is a tendency to fall into a logical fallacy of "My experience is THE experience" in being trans, when in fact there are huge variances in how it manifests in different lives and how it is dealt with. Despite all of our commonalities and shared experiences, I think it's these differences that help keep the community divided.

Regardless of those differences, some things are true: being transgendered is a nightmare to deal with in this world, there are no easy answers or solutions, and for some of us the point at which we come out cannot be planned since it just explodes upon us when the desperation becomes too great (I fall into this category).

I second this thanks to Elspeth and welcome her to Susan's Place forums, albeit as a relative newbie myself.

As my earlier post in this thread tried to say, this trans life is always very hard, almost impossible to plan for, and pointless to second guess. I would hope what we could do in a forum like this is to support and encourage one another, and learn from one another's successes and failures. There are few enough places that a trans person can find compassion, understanding, and emotional support, it pains me when I see members of my community becoming casualties from "friendly fire."

I also recognize that sometimes a posting will be made that seems like an unreasonable attack, and may in fact be the result of personal angst that person is undergoing in their own lives. We -- more than most people -- sometimes experience unbelievable levels of stress, fear, and heartache, it is no surprise that these feelings sometimes spill over where they are not deserved.

Be strong, find joy, and love others every chance you get.

Cheers!

[Gemma_D]

Over the year and a half since posting, this thread has cropped up in my thoughts occasionally and always nagged at me.

I want to say a few things about this, this probably wont improve some people's opinions of me but I need to put this to rest.

When I created the OP I had just come out of a very intense discussion and was a total mess. I had been falling apart for weeks, my job was at risk because my performance was slipping, home life was miserable for everyone. That first post was typed through tears on a phone. Editing, and filling in all the blanks were probably beyond me at that point. The responses I got shocked me.

Did I need a shake? Yeah, in all honesty I did.

Should I have been told I was barely better than pond scum? No, I absolutely should not.

I think certain people were able to understand there was more to the story, and even when I came back and tried to clear things up I didn't necessarily explain everything. I was just trying to defend myself because I felt I needed to.

In brief: I'm now transitioning, and separating from my wife. I will hopefully be full-time in a few weeks. We are getting on better now than we were when trying to fight through this. We are still living together for the moment and doing everything to put our son first, to make sure he has the best possible upbringing. Abandoning my family was never, ever something I would consider. Since sorting my head out I am a damn good parent (not perfect) and far better than I would have ever been if I continued on the path I was on, the path I committed to more strongly than ever out of fear, shame and guilt last January. The comments here didn't make me go back into denial, but they certainly didn't help.

I honestly believe beginning transition before our son is old enough to understand what is happening is better than repressing, and bringing him up in a family with two unhappy parents in some misguided attempt to protect him. I know this is not a *perfect* situation by any means, but it's the best we can do. In fact, my wife has met someone else who is great with our son so he actually has even more people around him that care for him than before. Eventually, I will move out to somewhere very close by so that I have as much contact with my boy as possible.

I want to suggest one thing, if something along these lines ever comes up again. Please THINK of the mental state of the poster before you start attacking like some of you did. Criticism is fine, but the thing that keeps making me think of this thread is this... What if I was someone who had a tendency towards self harm or suicidal thoughts? We all know the stats for trans people. I did think about it after reading how I was sub-human, luckily I'm a coward and would probably never be able to bring myself to do it. Someone a bit braver (or a bit more desperate) might not be around any more.

I am annoyed at myself that I was such a mess that I actually came back and said 'thank you' for the abuse I received. I think this post is the only way I can come to terms with that.

This might seem to some like opening old wounds, for me it's closure. Maybe this will be deleted, maybe I'll be banned. I don't really mind. I have real-world support and haven't really been back here since this all happened. I'm actually looking at getting into helping others as I get more involved in a nearby support group. One of the things that I'm learning is when people need tough love or gentle support, and it's not always the one they ask for at the time.

For those of you that tried to help (including those that were critical without being insulting or superior) thank you so much.

I have to end this here.. my son is shouting for his dinner

Take Care,
Gemma

[helen2010]

The response of other MTF on this kind of stories is like 'no true love' from the wife that is...but how can you truly love a husband who turns out to be a virtual stranger/mtf you happen to be married to and  who is the 'sperm donor' of your children?

Dahlia

While we have managed to save and to strengthen our marriage I initiated separation 3 times and, as you said justified this on the basis that my wife had stopped loving and understanding me, that the love had gone and my life partner/fellow traveller was no longer invested in me or in our relationship.  In my case I really believed at the time, call it romantic love, stupidity, naïveté etc, that if my wife really loved me, that she would know who I was, would appreciate me and remain committed to me.   Only after many, many years did I understand that partners don't walk in lock step, they don't have unlimited empathy, understanding or prescience.  In effect, if I didn't understand me, how could she? If I didn't communicate, if I didn't relate or share, how could she know, listen, care or support?  Simple really, but I just didn't get this.  If my relationship wasn't working, it must be because she no longer loved me, perhaps never had loved me, and wasn't invested in our relationship.

In the first counselling I understood that my wife was focused on our family, our home and her career, that there wasn't any time left,  for her,  never mind for me.   Accepting this, kept us together for a while, but as dysphoria escalated I felt more and more disconnected, and less and less understood or appreciated.  It really started to feel that she had married me for security, support and to enable her to have the family she had dreamt of.  The question which I kept asking was, just what is in this for me?

Another separation, more counselling - this time both 'gender' and relationship.  The gender counselling reflected the state of current understanding - they first looked at my body, said I would 'never pass' and told me to deal with it by cross dressing!  (I was shocked as I hadn't even considered the possibility that I could be TS, I thought that I had a XD fetish!).  The counsellor said that I was trying to engender my marriage as my wife was unavailable emotionally ...  Anyway little real progress.

Several years later I sought another gender therapist and I was diagnosed as TG, most likely MTF.  HRT,FAS (andro or less aggressive FFS) and hair removal followed, but growth and understanding didn't occur until I had authentic and honest conversations with myself, my therapist, endo, counsellor and wife.  Realising that all I could really work on was myself, helped a lot.  This stopped me blaming my wife for changing and for no longer appearing to commit to our relationship.  Then I started showing her that I cared about her and the family, in effect that I was not as selfish or self focused as I had become.

More recently I have finally got to grips with my identity and gained an insight into what works best for me and for us.  I identify as non binary with an MTA trajectory - each experience, each day is now an opportunity for further growth and acceptance.  Our relationship and our marriage  is stronger than ever.  My wife says that I am the nicest that I haver been and that while scared when I first came out to her, has 'chosen us' rather than separate lives.

Sorry for the ramble but even without also sharing the dozens of defining interactions, anger, hurt, broken dreams, disappointments etc my learning is remarkably simple.  I should not have sought to blame but rather should have sought to 'walk the talk' ie if I want to be understood, I first need to understand myself and then seek to understand and to appreciate my wife.

Aisla

[helen2010]

Over the year and a half since posting, this thread has cropped up in my thoughts occasionally and always nagged at me.

I want to say a few things about this, this probably wont improve some people's opinions of me but I need to put this to rest.

When I created the OP I had just come out of a very intense discussion and was a total mess. I had been falling apart for weeks, my job was at risk because my performance was slipping, home life was miserable for everyone. That first post was typed through tears on a phone. Editing, and filling in all the blanks were probably beyond me at that point. The responses I got shocked me.

Did I need a shake? Yeah, in all honesty I did.

Should I have been told I was barely better than pond scum? No, I absolutely should not.

I think certain people were able to understand there was more to the story, and even when I came back and tried to clear things up I didn't necessarily explain everything. I was just trying to defend myself because I felt I needed to.

In brief: I'm now transitioning, and separating from my wife. I will hopefully be full-time in a few weeks. We are getting on better now than we were when trying to fight through this. We are still living together for the moment and doing everything to put our son first, to make sure he has the best possible upbringing. Abandoning my family was never, ever something I would consider. Since sorting my head out I am a damn good parent (not perfect) and far better than I would have ever been if I continued on the path I was on, the path I committed to more strongly than ever out of fear, shame and guilt last January.

I want to suggest one thing, if something along these lines ever comes up again. Please THINK of the mental state of the poster before you start attacking like some of you did. Criticism is fine, but the thing that keeps making me think of this thread is this... What if I was someone who had a tendency towards self harm or suicidal thoughts? We all know the stats for trans people. I did think about it after reading how I was sub-human, luckily I'm a coward and would probably never be able to bring myself to do it. Someone a bit braver (or a bit more desperate) might not be around any more.

I am annoyed at myself that I was such a mess that I actually came back and said 'thank you' for the abuse I received. I think this post is the only way I can come to terms with that.

This might seem to some like opening old wounds, for me it's closure. Maybe this will be deleted, maybe I'll be banned. I don't really mind. I have real-world support and haven't really been back here since this all happened. I'm actually looking at getting into helping others as I get more involved in a nearby support group. One of the things that I'm learning is when people need tough love or gentle support, and it's not always the one they ask for at the time.

I have to end this here.. my son is shouting for his dinner

Take Care,
Gemma

GemmaD

I am so sorry that you experienced what you did.  I am glad that you and your family are well and in such a good place.

I wish you all the very best and agree with you that advice and criticism needs to be thoughtfully given.  Many of us have been hurt by what we perceived, but may not have been meant, as unhelpful or damaging comments or criticism. 

On this forum we expose and share our deepest fears and dreams.  Listening and respecting each other is key to maintaining a safe and supportive environment.  Our narratives and our situations vary, accepting and honouring this is important.

Gemma, thank you for being with us and for contributing to this forum.  Your story and authenticity are inspiring.    Thank you for continuing to support and to care for our community.  Please  don't be a stranger.

Safe travels

Aisla