Dysphoria Stronger after Coming Out

[truetranssoulrebel]

Since coming out to my friends and family about my desire to transition, I've been experiencing far worse dysphoria than I'd ever felt before.

I'm sure this has something to do with how accepting everyone has been, which makes me feel under pressure to be able to look as feminine as possible facially.

I have to glance at my face in the mirror because looking at it for any sustained period makes me overcome with grief and likely to cry.

Before I made the decision to transition I used to make myself look as girly as a heterosexual man could possibly get away with, now it feels as if the mask I used to fool myself into being able to live with myself has been removed and I can see in intense detail everything hideously masculine about my face: my beard pattern being the worst part, because I never really learned how to shave properly.

I'm just wondering whether any of the girls here who are further along in their transition experienced anything similar and whether they had any tips on dealing with it on a short-term basis whilst I am still pre-everything.

[Constance]

I'm just wondering whether any of the girls here who are further along in their transition experienced anything similar and whether they had any tips on dealing with it on a short-term basis whilst I am still pre-everything.

That's a tough one; I remember it well.

I guess, the only thing I can really offer is try to bear in mind that it's a temporary situation. That's how I got through that stage, and how I'm getting through these days knowing that I could be 50 before I have SRS.

[truetranssoulrebel]

That's a tough one; I remember it well.

I guess, the only thing I can really offer is try to bear in mind that it's a temporary situation. That's how I got through that stage, and how I'm getting through these days knowing that I could be 50 before I have SRS.

Thanks for the reply.

I really do try to do that but, as I guess you probably remember, it adds a lot of distress to an already surreal situation. I honestly wish sometimes that someone in my family had been really negative about it, so I'd have something to rally against. At the moment I just feel like I'm letting supportive people down.

[big kim]

Been there,start electrolysis/laser get eyebrows waxed/threaded try hairstyles and colours.It will be better

[muuu]

.

[Aleah]

This is fairly common from what I've heard any my own experience, for me it was just accepting myself and my fake persona breaking away. Once you are aware of something more, it's going to be a more powerful reminder.

But focusing on the little victories makes it much easier.

[Henna]

I can really relate to OP. I don't actually think for myself a lot of the increase in dysphoria had anything to do coming out to other people, rather than that I finally accepted myself and let myself be who I am.

That increased the dysphoria to quite bad and I actually started to regret, that I didn't leave any suppression for myself. It has leveled off now a bit, as I've changed nearly all my clothing to feminine, thus when I don't have to look at the mirror, I can just visualize myself as I please, even when of course other people cannot "see" it.

[Carlita]

This is fairly common from what I've heard any my own experience, for me it was just accepting myself and my fake persona breaking away. Once you are aware of something more, it's going to be a more powerful reminder.

I agree ... I found the process of coming out was frightening, but at the same time liberating. And coming out to myself was almost the hardest part of the process. The thing is, once you admit the truth to yourself, and - as Aleah says - break down all the walls that you've built to keep you 'safe' then there's nothing to stop the dysphoria from being present in your life.

But don't worry. All you're feeling is the truth. And no matter how painful that might be, it's far, far better than all the lies ...

[Alex_K]

I can relate too. I suppose it depends on how insecure you are. I am very insecure myself, and that insecurity brought me to transition at 28, instead of 18.

In those days when you don't like what you see in the mirror, it's easy to crawl back to the male you built through the years and feel like you should stick with what you're born with. I compare it to breaking with a long time couple. In the first days, you feel relief, like a burden has been released and you can start caring for yourself. But as days pass, you start missing that person and you circle around the thought of going back with her. But... you know it's not the solution ;-)

[KayCeeDee]

When I figured out what was going on with me the dysphoria got MUCH worse. I didn't keep it hidden long, but the more people I came out to the worse it seemed to get. Fortunately, I started HRT very quickly. The immediate mental/emotional effect and rapid physical changes thankfully knocked the dysphoria down to almost nothing. Otherwise I do agree with the others: it is much better to come out and it is liberating to finally do so. Although it causes a lot of turmoil that takes a while to die down.

[PaigeM]

I had a different reaction - I lost my drive for transitioning after coming out and starting HRT 9 months ago. My body is not responding very quickly to HRT, so that is not helping. Of course, I am suffering pretty serious depression over my wife's illness and have lost interest in nearly everything I enjoyed. After talking with my therapist, I know I still want to be a woman and that that desire will never go away, so I am continuing HRT and taking things very slowly.

[RandomWalk]

I had the same problem. Before coming out I was "happily" living in denial. It wasn't an ideal situation, but at least it was bearable.

After coming out, my denial faded out, leaving me alone with dysphoria. All your mental and physical barriers are now broken, so you need to start rebuilding them, in a healthier way.

My recommendation is: don't try to be alone, don't try to hide your feelings, look for help, try to talk about it with a psych, friends, anyone you can trust.

Cry and let it all out. That's part of your healing process.

You will find better soon. Better than ever 


About things you can already do while waiting for HRT: voice training, beard laser hair removal, unisex name change (will help a lot during your transition until you are confident enough to go fulltime), get your ears pierced, let your hair grow, start saving money!, look for hair extensions, exercise and diet to stay in shape, if you smoke try to quit but remember you are now in a stressful situation don't push you so hard, practice makeup, go shopping!

+1 here in Spain it's a hell of waiting too 

Same here! After having coming out to myself, I feel much happier but the dysphoria has gotten worse, especially when the 5:00 shadow would show.

Actually, this sounds funny, but the way that I knew that I was transitioning is that I did all of the things which you describe, while waiting for HRT (which I'm still waiting for). Up until that point, which was a few months ago, I just thought that I was a very odd guy with some trans tendencies and an interesting medical history. My name was already unisex but I grew to hate it with a passion. A different unisex version of my name hasn't really 'taken' since I'm not out to everyone, so my name and my 5:00 shadow are the biggest triggers.

I am NOT dysphoric about my body so much. My lower body is fairly androgynous; my upper body is fairly masculine; my facial structure is fairly nice (but masculine); and I identify as non-binary. I'm not sure if I will ever officially transition or instead slide into a sort of a place where others perceive me as androgynous or feminine. It's beginning to happen, and it's exciting when I hear that someone gendered me as F before switching to M. That, in fact, is what first alerted me to the idea that I might be MtF rather than just non-binary M.

[Jennygirl]

I can relate to dysphoria hitting hard after coming out to friends, but in kind of a good liberating way.

Can I just say... BB CREAM! This stuff is amazing. Go to Sephora and get some samples. Good bye, beard shadow

[Elspeth]

Since coming out to my friends and family about my desire to transition, I've been experiencing far worse dysphoria than I'd ever felt before.

I'm sure this has something to do with how accepting everyone has been, which makes me feel under pressure to be able to look as feminine as possible facially.

Right now this feels awfully familiar. Background: Just joining Susan's Place, though I think I probably had another account here some years ago.

Between Christmas and New Years Day I came out in a pretty un-deniable way to a group of over 100 people, many of whom have known me in a fairly androgynous form for as much as 30 years in a few cases. One of the most supportive in my coming out are a couple (and their daughters) who I met at this event back before they had met each other. Also present was my ex and my trans son and the daughter that I hope will not suddenly announce she is also trans (but I don't get a vote on that).

Anyway... once the initial fear that I'd be attacked or asked to put on different clothes (something I couldn't very well have done, though I suppose I could have retreated into something slightly more androgynous?) -- once I'd heard a few times about how happy I seemed to be finally open about my identifying as a woman, the self-criticism started. My one bit of self-sabotage had been to go there with only my natural hair... it's just long enough to tease into a somewhat feminine, fluffy 'do, but I did have a wig that would have helped a bit... talked myself into not bringing it along because I had so much stuff packed, and imagined myself damaging it beyond repair somewhere along the drive.

Sorry for rambling. Just saying that I can sympathize with this a lot at the moment.