Just figuring it out, could use some thoughts or help. please.

[Kii]

Hi All,

First post.

Ive only been to the site this last 48 hours when I found it, a good number of posts and compassionate honest responses, it looks promising to me, so...

I'm going to just let it all out. I hope this isn't a problem. the thread said to tell my story, and I want to.
I HAVE to do something, this last 'episode' of femininity feels like its starting to leak out, someone is going to start noticing it and I'm not sure how to handle it anymore.

This has all happened so fast, but Ive just realized it been my whole life, and its all these little things have just now formed the bigger picture.
I'm shaken, I'm afraid and yet something in me is all 'ahha, finally! I KNEW IT' or... something.
This wont be chronological really, More like the chronology of discovery/bigger picture.

Im a middle aged soul with a male body. Im HWP, endowed enough to have nothing to be ashamed of at all.
I have repressed everything, almost unconsciously, but not really.

About a year and a half ago, I had a couple very vivid/really rather lucid dreams, that I still remember well, even little details.
I was a woman. I felt so free. We were at a ski resort, me and my real life straight male friends.
I was so pretty! It was like a dream come true! I felt so, gah hard to find the words, Me, Free at last, Real I guess.
I found my friends in the resort, and they all just stared at me and went WOW! Look at you! :-) I even had my eyes, but as a female.

These dreams kicked my ass SOooo hard. I was totally preoccupied for days. I felt so alone, so unlike myself the days before. I couldn't focus on anything, my mind would drift constantly.

I even started praying that it all come true and I would be a good woman. I will be open and kind.
Almost delusional to expect it, but my heart was absolutely true to it. another ass kicking.

This is when I started to remember things.
Putting on my Moms hats and shoes when I was 4. Still have the family photos they thought we so cute. HAh and they are, Im beaming with joy in them, I mean clear eyed focused happiness all over my face.
Asking my Mom when I was 8 about sex and boobs.
Looking at my penis and wondering why it was there.
She said it was a phase and would go away.
I started to put on her clothes. Stuffing the bra with socks and running around the house. I just remembered the other day I wished they were heavier, and would move and be bouncy.

Repression set in.
In junior high, as all the girls started to grow, I remember wishing and wanted to BE them. So pretty, getting curves, acting all giddy and free sometimes. Pretty colors, long hair done up in so many ways.
My first PE with showers. a strange feeling of being rather uncomfortable. Not understanding. I would shower and be out so fast, almost running for the door. Pale, frightened. My hands still shake when I look at those memories.

So time went on. I got into guy things. hotrods. Then started playing in rock bands in my teens.
After a while ended up in a road band, with a female vocalist.
Id watch her move, her form.. why not me too? why am I this clunky guy? Im not really clucnky, but the word seems to fit.
More of the withdrawal into myself.
As far as men and sex go, the only attraction I have to them in my fantasies is if Im the woman, aside from that they are sorta gross or something to me.

Over the years of repression, Ive realized Ive actually remembered so may little tid bits. Always about being the woman.
In films, Im the one kissing the guy, looking into his eyes. feeling his strength. Almost like I would draw him, his essence or something, into my being. that I would warm him. This is really hard to describe /gah!
So very many little things over time, but I hope the picture is clear enough. Not wanting to write a book, just yet, tho I've always loved writing.

Ok the latest round, episode, whatever it is (help!)
Over the last several weeks something has popped.
I noticed I started to carry myself differently when I move.
I dropped a pen and instead of just bending over to pick it up, I knelt. That puzzled me.
I seem to be deflecting my wrists here an there.
I dont always grab things anymore, I seem to gently pick them up and set them down.
Im so aware of my hands.
Im way more aware of my breast tissue, hard to explain.

I feel like Im starting to leak or even ooze femininity.
Its getting to the point Im afraid someone is going to notice. What am I going to say?

Ever since those dreams, I have been an emotion wreck. I cry now all the time.
Its unreal. I just start to cry and then I feel my heart bursting with sharing, with love and all this stuff.
I mean all the time, now its happening at work.

Last week, I stumbled onto some youtube video's about MTF Transitions. Never knew this existed!!
100% total ass kicking again, I'm floored. All these guys who figured it out and have help, and are now sharing the journey. So beautiful. I watch their timelines and I'm so happy for them.
It's hard to concentrate on anything again.

So I found out about so tests, went and did some research onto them, the pros and cons, their accuracies and caveats.
So I started taking them.

Well, at least I know now.
GID strong 4, even without the cross dressing answered in the affirmative. With it? 275 on the Cogiati. 75/115 on another.
I'll do the SAGE next, but I think it might be more centered around no repression. I'll try it anyway.

yesterday at work, in the middle of an almost dizzying 'burst' or something, I decided to run to the bathroom and look at my eyes.
More crying, but there I was, I saw my feminine eyes in my male body, the shape, my lashes looking back. I let myself see. And the thought of doing my eyes up a little? OOoooohh! Makes me smile. I want others to see me for who I now know Ive always been. But Im so afraid.

<not allowed>!

I live in Wyoming ATM, after 20 years in Seattle, Im here for work.
What bad timing!! In Seattle I could find groups of folks, and would be excited to share and get counseling.
Here? I might be in trouble.


I'm sorry this has been so long all over the place, I really am.
I have to do something, if I get busted with girl mode pouring out of me...


Thank you so very much.

This is hard, but please feel free to comment, any help right now it worth exposing the fear I have on what to do.

[peky]

Welcome to our little family of many thousands. Do not forget to read the "law of the land" least you get in trouble LOL

Happy Postings, and Happy New Year

[Kii]

I dont want anymore trouble, What did I do? can you please post a link to the law of the land, I didnt see a form thread, but dont know my way around yet.

Apologies. and Thanks

[peky]

You did not do anything wrong girl. I was usurping Janet's (Ms O'Brien) job. She is the official welcomer.

I think they 'rules we live by" or something like that are either posted in the introductions or in the announcements sections. 

Ok, so Girl, first you need to get a therapist to sort out your feelings and intitiate your journey.What is your nearest big city?

[Kii]

Laramie, Cheyenne then Denver.

Thank you for talking to me in this emotional wreck i'm in atm

[peky]

Here in this link  you will find the name and contact information of a therapist for transgender people in Laramie

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?state=WY&spec=187


Below there are other links of interests

Good Luck !!!

http://getequal.org/join-us/?state=wy

http://tgguide.com/transgender-resources/support-groups/us-states-t-w/wyoming/

[Kii]

Thanks Peky!
and Thank you for validating me, and calling me what I know I am. You're the first! :-)

Thanks again for the assistance during my panic. I'll check into these links asap!

I dont know if anything I mentioned rings true to others, or if Im truly weird. Did it sound 'normal' for who I am finding I am now?
All I can say is it 'feels' right, but..

Id like to let go of any doubts as fast as possible so I can breathe normally again (more of that panic stuff).


-Kii (Kee)

[Devlyn]

Hi Kii, welcome to Susan's Place! Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. A lot of us have been there, too. Glad you found us, hugs, Devlyn

[Kii]

Thanks Dev, I appreciate that coming from you. I've been reading up some and already have real respect for you 

Today, I was able for the first time since this all crashed down 4 days ago (hrmm maybe thats UP, lol) and I realized what the deal has been, I was able to calm down and de-escalate some. I feel badly now for how I originally posted, crashing into a mature community with all my stuff like that. ooops.

Im sorry all. My bad.

Im figuring at this point so many of you all just went, oh boy here is another out of control person, or some weird troll.. might have to IP ban them, so we will just let her be for bit, maybe she will figure it out, if not we simply ban the weirdo. (yay! I called myself she finally :-) but GAWD it feels good)

I understand that now. I knew This was a real place. It's why I essentially came out here first. Im so afraid, but Im so happy to be able to talk to anyone about this I have actually apologized to the Universe. I feel like Im 14 or something, Im so vulnerable. I hope that is normal, lol

I Apologize.

What was I saying, oh yeah, Today for the first time ever, I lived my life as a woman. Even tho we did guy things, like yanking the engine out of my project car, a Subaru Outback that is going to be awesome in the Wyoming Outback! Im so excited! It tossed a timing belt and bent all the valves, but the cylinders are in great shape as is the chassis itself.
Weeeee!
So yeah I did that today with some friends, and decided Id just act as I am, but I did keep some stealth.

here is what I learned today:
Im going to have to learn to balance my inner with my outer, so to speak.
Im going to learn to live as the girl I am, and not make giddy choices.
Im going to do this smartly. I cant just go around gushing girl, but I want to, lol. Now that I know what I know, I can never go back to the depression and repression.
I have to learn to smile at my self internally when I need to, and not let it show.. too much.

I guess Im saying too much, because I have to let it out and be me, but I have to be smart about it.
I have no idea how I am going to come out, and who the first will be.

I do have a question tho, if I may.
Im thinking of letting this feminine in me (due to massive repression); to flow full time. In everything, unless its unsafe or I need my male brain functions, which I do have. Spacial relativity, math, diagnostic evaluation skills, I so have these, and today I realized I do NOT want to let those go if I dont have to. .  I did notice today, that when I let the girl flow, I dont seem to do as well with these things. Id rather just make jokes and smile, lol (guessing this will take some practice).

Does anyone have any thoughts about what worked for them in how to let this out slowly so I can be who I really am and integrate it with uhh words..need words, ok Life, other people, society, argh! haha I dont know. Hope this makes sense. Ill probablyjust have to do this myself in the end, but Im not going to be afraid anymore.

I guess my point is, my next step is learning to live life as a woman and balance myself again.
That is likely what Im going to need help with, and I would like to be able to do it with respect to not just me, but all, and especially here at Susans.org
If how I am operating is a known bad thing and I need to be told that then please somehow just do it. Maybe  a PM or a sit down with a moderator, what ever, Im open.
I'll  do whatever I have to do here, as I Im not entirely sure I can actually do this on my own without help. 40 years of confusion and no point of reference and then finding my own compass. Im not sad tho! not a bit.
At least I can finally be honest now. No more lies or forgetfulness.


I Apologize again for crashing into this community. Its been alot to take in so fast! hehe Im a victim of my own research prowess for once, lol.
.. but Im glad I at least am able to fess up to something that has been so odd for so long. At least it all makes sense now

So Thank You Thank You Thank you!

ahh and now more crying for a bit, but that ok now, I know why :-)

With my deepest care for you all, Thanks again

-Me

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Kii,

Welcome to our little family. Over 9516 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation Rules
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Janet 

[Kii]

Thank You!
9516!
I'm reading up now.

-Me

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Kii,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of guts to do that, but once it's done the rest is easy to sort out.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Henna]

Hello and welcome Kii.

Your introduction really seems so familiar, the "confusion", the overwhelming feeling and everything just pouring over you.

Take your time to sort out your feelings, find a support group, therapist or whatever works for you. Just take it easy, I at least found it kind of frightening once everything just started "moving" in my head and making sense finally.

And welcome again.

[LilDevilOfPrada]

Hi Kii,

Welcome to our little family. Over 9516 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation Rules
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Janet 

READ THESE when I first joined I didnt stupid me