I'm leaving him.

[Biscuit_Stix]

This is a long story, but I'll shorten it as best I can. I've been married for 2.5 years, and we moved out of state about 3 months into our marriage. I left home, friends and family, so he could get a job making buku bucks down South. Turns out it wasn't as lucrative as he had hoped. At the time it was an adventure. But he got completely absorbed in work, and I sat and did nothing for a year, gained 80lbs, etc... It was hard on me, I'm a workaholic, I've held a job since I was 13. But unable to find work out of state (Hell, unable to find a damn grocery store), I floundered and he never noticed. I don't really blame him, I mean, his friends and family were here, mine were hours away. A year in, I wanted to leave him, but got pregnant. I thought a kid would change things, and it didn't. I got a job after that, but him? He comes home, plays video games, complains that he's just too tired to do anything, while I work, cook, and clean the house. I've tried talking to him, tried to get him to help out, but.... He helps out for about a week, and then just goes right back into old habits. Dishes pile up, nothing gets done unless I do it, it's a nightmare. We've done this dance about 6 times now over the course of a year.

I told him a few months ago that we needed counseling, and he shot it down because 'well, that's the last step before divorce, and I don't want to think about divorce'. So, recently, I told him we had to separate for a bit. I'd rent a room somewhere in town, get a second job, and we could work things out. He said if I did that, he wanted a divorce. So now?

I'm making plans to go back home, calling up old work contacts, desperately hoping I can find a place to stay and find a second job, just to get out. I figure if he's going to leave me anyway, why stay in town. I can go home. I just worry about my son. He's the light in my life, but I can't take him with me until I'm settled. I can't bring him into a life of moving around constantly. He's barely 1.5, the chaos would be hell. I'm afraid he won't recognize me, because I'll be months into my transition by the time I see him in person again. My only hope is Skype.

Any advice? On anything, really. On out of state custody, leaving spouses, transitioning with kids, what to say to this prick to get him off his a**? I'm 98% sure I'm leaving, but I'm still looking for a miracle. Anyone have one handy?

[Elspeth]

Especially not knowing which state this is, best I can suggest is to talk to a lawyer or get some good resources and information on what you need to do to ensure that you don't do anything that puts your custody status at risk in the process of separating and heading to divorce. Much as I loathe my ex-therapist for some of the crap he pulled with me, he was very good about making sure I got a good lawyer, and stayed realistic about negotiating what was most important to me about the divorce, with the result being that my ex and I remain civil, we share custody and (most important to me) I still know and am in most respects closer to my children than my ex is, without making the situation any more toxic to them than it is by the nature of the effect of divorce itself on kids.

[Elspeth]

One other thing, at least in the eyes of most therapists, transitioning with a toddler is seen as less problematic than when they are older. One of the excuses for delaying my own transition for so long was the risk that it could confuse and alienate my children from me when they were 8 and 6 at the time we separated, when, all other things being equal, would have been an ideal time (or at least a better time than now, 10 years later) for me to start transition. You may get different views on this, depending on who you talk to. Take them all with as much skepticism as you need to.

Since I never had the option to marry a man (and probably wouldn't have chosen to, unless I could have borne children myself) I really can't suggest anything likely to make him take more ownership when it comes to keeping up the house.  When my ex was not very accepting of or willing to aknowledge my own identity I found it easier and easier to slip into sloth and disorder, even though a part of me felt I was mostly hurting myself. It was pretty passive aggressive of me, but I was hurting a lot at the time, and trying to deal with a lot of things without much emotional support or recognition, looking in retrospect.

[Adam (birkin)]

It's really hard for me to give advice about your son - I don't really know a lot of situations like this, so I can't have an idea of how your husband/soon to be ex might react, and besides that I don't really know the legalities of such things.

But in terms of his behaviour, I can tell you that it is really, really hard to change those things. But, in some cases, it can also happen. I can give you two examples that show you both ways it can go.

I will start off by saying I do love my father, but he has let himself go in a lot of the ways that you say your partner has. He's really self-destructive as well - with his health, his money, and so on. Despite my mother's anger with it for almost 20 years, he hasn't changed. The biggest problem is that when it's brought up he takes it as criticism. He thinks she is telling him that he isn't good enough for her, and he truly doesn't see what it looks like from the outside. It got to the point where last year he was seriously considering leaving her. He was going to leave almost everything to her and just start fresh. in the end he didn't, apparently my mother said she'd "change her ways" because she loves him, so again, it's been reinforced in his head that he's not part of the problem. So they just have fights now and again. Usually her telling him she's worried he's going to an early grave, and he says stuff like "well wouldn't you be happy then? Hallelujah, the fat bastard is dead" or "you can go marry a more obedient man then."

But just because it is hard to change doesn't mean the capacity isn't there. I became that way in my past relationship. We didn't live together, but what you described is basically what I became. I would go to work and university, come home to talk to my partner, and just be "too tired." Too tired to talk, too tired to do much of anything. Lost a lot of my passion for the things I once loved. Would get caught up in browsing the net or playing my DS instead of talking to her. and I just let myself go in other ways - like my dad, it was my health, my work/school, all that. Eventually, she couldn't take it anymore and she left. We had other issues of course, but my behaviour was a big factor that strained our relationship and eventually ended it. For a few months I was just angry as hell, and nothing in my life changed much. At a certain point, it began to hit me just how much the way I was acting had hurt my partner. The indifference.  And I was ready and willing to change - I even went to see a counsellor and we hammered through many of my issues. But by that point it was too late - my ex was (and is) far too jaded with me, and I've hurt her to the point that she could never fully trust me again with her heart. But I have changed - as opposed to just over a year ago, I take pride in my life and my work again.

I know that I have the capacity to fall into "decay" again as it were, if I don't pay attention to my moods and place my health as a top priority in my life. But that knowledge is power. And if your partner could truly see that, how it was affecting not only you but also him, I do believe he would change. Had I known the extent of my behaviour myself, I would have changed. I am sure that your husband loves you as much as I loved my partner. But it takes A LOT for that to truly sink in, and there is the possibility that it never will.

I just shared all that to give you some insight on to his behaviour, maybe give you a few new ways to think about the issue. I may be WAY off...obviously him, my father, and I are all different people with different motivations, histories, and thought processes. But no matter what his reasons, if you do not feel you can stay, you shouldn't stay. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and valued. My ex broke my heart, but even though I changed, I can fully admit now that she absolutely did the right thing in breaking up with me. at the time, I wasn't even close to the man she deserved and I wouldn't have expected her to sit around and wait for me to get my ass together.

[FTMDiaries]

I feel for you - I'm in a similar situation, except that next month is our 16th wedding anniversary and we have two teenage kids. I've been trying for years to get him to help out more but he just won't do it. Any time I ask him to man up and do his fair share, he takes it as a personal attack. If he's not changed his ways after living together for almost 18 years, he's never going to change, so I'm leaving him too.

I understand how keen you are to return home and start re-establishing your independence. When I got married I not only left my home town, I moved continents, setting up a home & family in a foreign culture. I know only too well how hard it is to be far away from everyone & everything that's familiar to you. But I'd counsel you to be careful about moving too quickly into a situation that could damage your relationship with your son.

There's a very real risk that moving away from him would weaken your case for custody. If you want him in your life, you need to cling on to your son like a limpet. If you move away and leave him with his father, this won't look good in front of the judge. I hate to say this, but there are plenty of judges who discriminate against transgendered parents - you don't need to give them additional ammo. And as for keeping in touch with him via Skype... you'd have to depend on your ex allowing this to happen. What if he decides he doesn't want you speaking to your son? How would you stop him from getting in your way?

You can go for marriage counselling on your own if he won't go with you. You need an independent person to help you make the right decisions, and you definitely need legal advice before making any moves, particularly if you want to keep your son in your life.

Can your friends & family back home help out with accommodation or childcare, so that you can take your son with you? Or would it be better to stay in your current town during the divorce process and then move back home after you've sorted out the custody?

Good luck - hope it goes well.

[Elspeth]

I know only too well how hard it is to be far away from everyone & everything that's familiar to you. But I'd counsel you to be careful about moving too quickly into a situation that could damage your relationship with your son.

There's a very real risk that moving away from him would weaken your case for custody. If you want him in your life, you need to cling on to your son like a limpet. If you move away and leave him with his father, this won't look good in front of the judge. I hate to say this, but there are plenty of judges who discriminate against transgendered parents - you don't need to give them additional ammo.

Even if you soon-to-be-ex does not bring transgender issues into the case, being the one who leaves tends to weaken your case. My lawyers advised against my moving out, but my not-yet-ex at the time promised to make things worse in various ways and did use trans stuff as a leverage point to get her way, as an uneven negotiating tactic. I knew from early on she was a fairly aggressive negotiator, so I felt the threats were more than credible.

It's possible had I followed my lawyer's advice that I could have gotten the house and remained much more secure in my desired role with my kids... then again, after the real estate collapse I would have been left with a huge mortgage around my neck and no realistic means of holding onto the house.  I chose to take far less than NJ law would have given me, but I felt my compromises were better for the sake of my kids, in not putting them in the middle of what could have been a far uglier separation and probably constant conflict that was just not something I wanted to have to live with for another 15 or 20 years.

Of course my situation was very different than yours in one sense, that my kids were already older, and would have felt the conflict even harder, I think, than a toddler who is unlikely to have anything but emotional, vague memories of this part of your life.

[Chaos]

I dealt with the same thing as well.My current room mate is my ex but not only did he have NO interest in helping,he had no interest in sex *with me* or anything relating to me.The truth is that they lose interest,they become *taught* for SO long that (because we all know,during those first few months,we just want to be the best we can be,taking care of their needs) its alright to be in this habit.They enjoy the attention it brought and how it made them feel.But once that all fell apart,it was so engraved into their mind that-anything else was not natural.But i believe that such actions should be from the heart,not mind or body.I finally got sick of it and broke it off as well,he did the same things,would sit and ignore me when asking him to help,he would get defensive with every excuse he could come up with,flipped blame,even cheated and during the whole time,i was the cause,i was the one to blame for his actions.Right,a person who moved 4-5 states away to be with him,slept in a van-during winter with 8 inchs of snow and got deathly sick..and STILL got out and washed his clothes,cooked his food,told him i loved him-all while he sat inside his friends house on a computer,ignoring the fact i was alive.i mean the man didnt even go to the hospt. with me.so in all,I (my personal opinion) its loss of interest and loss of love/emotion.

[DriftingCrow]

I just told my husband a few weeks ago I wanted a divorce, I understand your situation as mine was fairly similiar except I don't have any children. I'd follow some of the other advice above about trying to hold onto your son without giving ammo to a judge, I'd also be prepared to tell your husband you want a divorce by trying to talk it over with someone beforehand in order to figure out the best way to tell him and anticipate his reaction. There's also legal services/volunteer lawyer programs that can help you get a free or low-cost attorney to help you get a divorce.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.