Hi everyone,
I've been following Susan's for quite some time, reading through some life stories has been very encouraging and brought some insight to my situation. I am a very introverted and shy person so it's
very hard to let it out.
I am 27 years old, have been working along my psychologist about my gender issues for at least a year, we vaguely concluded I'm a MTF transsexual.
It was clearly evident during my childhood, my parents thought I was gay, thereafter I suffered
a lot of mental and physical abuses mainly coming from my mom. After all, she got what she wanted... I'm not a man, I feel like a freak but precisely I am an actress playing a male role. I feel like I'm forced to it so I can be accepted within our social stereotypes, patterns of normality and non discrimination.
I have been previously trying really hard to accept the fact being a man would be much easier. But it haunts me! Unconsciously I have a female's mind and there doesn't seem to be a cure for it, it's extremely frustrating and despite the fact my life is fairly comfortable being born in a wealthy family, I've been trying to find a reason to live.
I am not sure if it's related but my mother had a total of 5 births, I was the last and only successful attempt, she has thyroid problems and her pregnancy was risky, she took huge amounts of cortisone so I could born prematurely. During puberty, I had some growth and development issues, I went through growth and hormonal treatment and it seemed to "work" physically. My sexual organ is a lot smaller than average. I guess I was never meant to be born as a man, on the top of that, I'm not really sexually active and never had a relationship.My therapist is the only person who knows about my problem, she has been urging that I need to find a way to let my family and friends know about it. She mentioned the only cure would be making myself comfortable with my gender and asked if she could proceed with the arrangements once I was ready.
I need time, it scares me a lot. I'm afraid about what I might become, I will surely lose the little I have, including my extremely homophobic and traditional family. I am not even sure if I love them, I suffered so much for so little, I feel that only my grandma whom died back in 2004 truly loved me.
I am very independent nowadays, got a good job and my own apartment, still need about a year to finish my computer science degree.
Physically I'm white, 5,9' tall, 184 lbs, average to large frame, long brown hair with goatee resembling somewhat a heavy metal dude or a biker, my skin hasn't changed much since adolescence and I hardly have any noticeable body hair. Surprisingly I have no problem to make my voice sound feminine though I've never did it with anyone, discovered it after speaking in a "cute way" with my cat.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for a transaction or if I should keep living in this agony which led to a suicide attempt before I looked for help.
Sorry if I'm sounding grumpy, I had to gather enough courage to register and introduce myself, feels good to share it.
Thank you all!
xxx
